Tag Archives: reality

Week in Review:: Stop the World I want to get off Edition

Posted on by Renée
6

Another week in review and to be quite honest with you it was almost the same as the last.

Busy, hectic, too much to do, too tired, too packed full of stuff.

In fact if I think about it now I have no idea what even happened two days ago let alone a whole week.

I do know there was no running (but the bag is packed to run at lunch tomorrow).

There was no gym.

There was somewhat of an attempt to do my body weight exercises.

There was less planning and too much random eating.

Friday I worked at one of our stores so I was not really in a position to have my regular food and snacks and Friday night was our company Holiday Party… there were *some* alcoholic beverages comsumed (and quite a bit of dancing, yay!) Saturday I was a wreck though (I’m not good with drinking much anymore… could be a good thing right?) so I didn’t eat or drink well and on top of that I had plans to go out with my friend M, meaning more food and drink was involved.

You know I don’t think the holidays should be a time when you say “screw it” and eat everything that isn’t nailed down, but it is a special time of year and very often you end up presented with food and drink that you normally wouldn’t have during “normal” times of the year. While I think my brain still wants to hang on to that a little bit (enter the panicking about food/weight Pinky), part of me feels really free. You know, I feel quite good. Healthy. I was looking at my body a bit the other day (which to be honest I don’t do much and maybe I should because it’s not exactly BAD…) and I thought “damn. for a 43 year old you really aren’t looking bad at all”. I bought this cute dress for the holiday party and it fit perfectly and I just thought “yeah! being this size/weight isn’t really bad!”

So yeah. Not the best example in the world, but I’m an honest example. It’s the holidays. Enjoy being with the people you love and if there is food or drink involved just use your head. You know, enjoy. Be present. Make memories. It’s nice and something to treasure. Nobody wants to sit around and pick at all the things they did “wrong” (ie what they ate and drank… people, life is too short!), pick at the things you did right!

I was in situations quite often this past week where I was late going home and hungry so I tried a few things I hadn’t had before:

Have you Had these?

I think these were 140 cals for two biscuits

Fruit Bites - Tasty, 90 cals but downside made from concentrate

I was in a BTL Chat about a week+ ago and we were talking about tips and tricks… one of my favourite tips is… if you are eating pasta with meat/tomato sauce, have less pasta and bulk it up with broccoli.

100g Kamut Pasta with 150g steamed broccoli

mmmm mmmmm leftover homemade (lean) meat and tomato sauce courtesy of the Hubs

Also I have a twitter friend who has a cook book shop in town and she actually blogs here (in Dutch); she has some great recipes that she shares but this past week she made what sounds to be like a very simple but amazingly delicious mandarin cake… she saved me a piece so on Thursday I went by…What a treat!!

mandarin cake courtesy of Riejanne S.

I love to support local businesses and I wish you all lived close to me so you could visit her shop!

One of my favourite things this week? Homemade cappuccino. Yes I’m back to making them again at home.

foamy milk and creamy espresso

A Perfect Beverage

Plans this week:
Monday – dinner with friends (and looks like I’ll finally be meeting Penny!!! YAY!) packing my bag to run at lunch time.
Tuesday – recover from Monday, make sure I make my lists for food we need over the holiday
Wednesday – I may again run at lunchtime; driving the car because I need to bring some stuff home from work, don’t want to be stuck in Traffic
Thursday – meeting up with my friend P after work. Last minute shopping?
Friday – am supposed to work in another store of ours. don’t know if I’ll make it.
Saturday – last minute (food) shopping, making cookies for the Hubs Santa Claus.
Sunday – CHRISTMAS! Whoo!

Calgon, take me away!

How was your week? How do you feel about all of the busyness and food and drink this time of year?

I just wanna know

Posted on by Renée
6

is this what it’s going to be like?

are there no others out there who share my experience?

I mean, you read and hear all of those people who for example:
1) started running and shed loads of unwanted lardy pounds
2) ate low carb/ joined Weight Watchers/ did calorie counting / shakes/ other diets and shed loads of unwanted lardy pounds
3) found they “just didn’t have much of an appetite anymore” after shedding loads of unwanted lardy pounds.

Me? I lost some weight after I started running.

I lost weight with Weight Watchers, for sure.

But.

Everything stopped. Everything. No more weight loss (I started running at 95KG, goal was 70, I’ve not moved below 79). ProPoints didn’t work at all once I made the switch and I tried people. I tried.

I’m seriously having a constant battle with myself. Every day I wake up and I think “I can do this today.” Some days I do. In fact, the last time I weighed in at My Fitness Pal I actually was down to 80.9KG. So, this calorie counting shindig seems to be going all right. Just one little thing though… or maybe two…

I am hungry. This is not the first time you’ve heard this from me. I AM HUNGRY.
Every time I weigh-in (which is NOT weekly) I completely overeat that day. I am trying to find a weigh-in day where there is no risk of being carted away by colleagues for beers or bitterballen. Friday is NOT a good day to weigh in.

Oh? What’s that you say? You shouldn’t be hungry. You should plan for these things. Exercise and use those calories to combat any need for extras. You should eat more protein. Complex Carbs. Fill up on veggies. Get your fibre in. Drink tea and lots of water! Get your good fats. Stay away from processed foods.

Anyway. Last week I weighed in and saw that number 80 again. OK, 80.9, fine. That evening I had beers and bitterballen, on Saturday I had a wine tour and tasting arranged with friends (you don’t want to know how many glasses), dinner out with half of those friends (you don’t want to know what was consumed), Sunday was supposed to be my bike ride to work off all of my sins yet it was “about to rain” any minute (I finally went for 1 hour/ 15KM), then more feasting on beer, wine, pizza and ice cream.

No, not every weekend is like that.

Yesterday I was eating for my countrymen.

Today, I am just empty. Hungry.

I have tried everything! (or have I?) I can’t run. I’m hungry (sorry, am I repeating myself). There’s no loss of appetite. My sins are only alcohol and normally only on the weekends. I admit it, I’m not making excuses or trying to say I’m perfect. I don’t eat junk (*there are emotional moments, I attempt to log everything on MFP*), refined sugars, simple carbs, MSG, etc. I eat well. Really well.

Do I just accept this is the way it’s going to be now?

Part II::What to do when you can’t do what you do

Posted on by Renée
1

I went to the physio. I was definitely not happy with the outcome. In fact I went home and I broke down and sobbed on my husband’s shoulder. What the hell was I going to do now? What about my races? I had a race on the 3rd of July! What about the Dam to Dam??? The Seven Hills???? What was I going to do without my races? These are the things that keep my focus, the things I look forward to. Now I have nothing!

But that’s not the truth. I don’t have “nothing”. The physio says I can cycle, I can walk, I can go to the gym. I just can’t run. No heavy impact on the knees. That cycling I was doing since January and more seriously since May was about to begin again.

After the no-running news I just happened to get sick (and by the way, I never get sick, so I have no idea what happened, but I was out for the count). I spent the entire weekend in bed with fever, cough and a sinus-cavity that felt like it would explode at any moment.

On the Monday I stayed home from work as I wasn’t feeling 100% and at some point I got sick of lying in bed so I went to lie on the couch. I switched my television on and started flipping through the channels. I ended up on a Dutch cable channel where a documentary was showing about Leontien van Moorsel. I’d heard the name before and quickly googled her on the Blackberry; aha, of course, only one of the most amazing Dutch WOMEN cyclists ever. I watched the documentary and was amazed. She’s this incredibly talented cyclist who struggled with her weight – who became ill because of the obsession to lose the kilos to be more fit for cycling. And when she was well again she went on to win gold medals in the Olympics. Watching the footage, seeing how real she was, knowing about my own demons with weight and performance, I cried as I watched her. I cried as I saw her parents at the finish crying, hugging her, feeling so proud. I cried because I know there have been times where I felt I would do anything to lose weight, just so I could perform better.

I started to look further on the internet for Leontien. Wouldn’t you know it? She’s got her own website here in the Netherlands. And guess what else? She organizes Ladies Rides a few times a year. You know what else? There’s one in September, in Den Bosch – 70 KM. I can’t run but I can BIKE! I signed up immediately. In fact I think it’s the same weekend as the Dam to Dam. This gives me a goal again. A focus. Something to look forward to!

While I don’t think it will be a piece of cake, I also am really confident that it will go very well. I’m not a stranger to long bike rides, nor am I a stranger to hills (should there be any. I think there are but I’m not super knowledgeable about that area). I’ve done a few long bike rides recently:

Oss – Nijmegen (Hubs and I went to Oss in June to see our new kitten we are taking home in August)

The Loenermarkroute (this is fairly close to us, in the Veluwe Zoom)

To the German Border and loop back around

This Sunday we’ll ride to Nijmegen and back – that should be minimum 40KM

I’m glad to have something to strive towards – in the meantime I’ll go to the gym and the physio as well and hopefully after these 3 – 6 months I’ll be done with this knee problem for the most part for GOOD! I’m looking forward to running again, for sure, but I’m going to make the best of this time off!

Part I:: What to do when you can’t do what you do

Posted on by Renée
4

Shhhh. Did you hear that?

Wait, there it is again!

Crickets! That’s right, crickets!

It’s been awfully quiet around here. I didn’t mean for it to be like this but the truth is a lot has been going on, and sometimes nothing has been going on and well other things were taking the focus.

The last time I posted was June 5th. June 5th! It’s now July 13th. I started writing a post a few weeks ago and never completed it. While I know this is my blog and it should be for me blah blah blah it’s kind of disheartening to know that this little place on the interwebz is never really going to be that awesome sort of little place that people like to visit and interact. So, there, I said it. It’s fine. Moving right along.

After my semi-pathetic Half Marathon in April (yes I know, “get over it”) I really was having a lot of problems with my left knee. In fact before the Half; every time I would train for more than an hour it would really hurt and hurt for days afterwards. I didn’t train well for the Half and there were two main reasons for that 1) time and 2) my knee. I learned valuable lessons from the experience so I wouldn’t trade it or not do it if I could do it all over again (I would do it differently of course).

Once that was over and I was trying to get over the result, I started cycling a bit more. Mostly commuting but occasionally I’d go further or longer or purposely set out on a specific route – something to do that was physical, enjoyable and not hard on my knees. I had a few races planned; one I dropped out of (the Zuidas) and one I participated in on June 19th, the Adidas Ladies Run.

A few days before the run I had a running group (work team) session with our trainer – my knee was killing me. In fact I was talking to my trainer and the combination of my knee, her asking me about the Half, and the upcoming race had me in tears. She was so sweet – she sent me a pep talk email a day later and told me most importantly to stop being so hard on myself.

On the 19th, I had my regular race day routine, got ready, ate, and so forth and drove to Rotterdam with my support crew (Hubs and M), but I was feeling a bit nervous. Not for the 10K. Not for the race itself. Mostly about my knee.

To cut a long story short, the race was good. I felt good for 90%. My knee hurt from the start all the way to the finish. I probably shouldn’t have run on it but I did. It was raining but it didn’t bother me, I felt like I was running a good race. When I finally crossed the line, I wanted to burst out into tears – my knee hurt so bad, yet I just ran just less than 1 minute faster than my fastest 10K in February at Groet aan Schoorl. I knew that 10K was really going to be my distance, something I could really work towards getting faster, stronger. I couldn’t WAIT to do my next 10K and start training for the 16K in September (Dam to Damloop) and the 15K in November, maybe even find one or two more for before the end of the year.

Reality is that after that race I had to go to the physiotherapist. The pain was just too much. After checking me out and doing a few physical tests the verdict was in: No Running for 3 – 6 months.

Running is my therapy. It’s what clears my mind. It makes me feel like I can actually accomplish something (this is pretty all-encompassing when you are a person who can be happy and accept their life 90% of the time, there is still 10% that feels like there is a lot of failure), It makes me feel strong, confident. If I can’t run, what CAN I do?

Stay tuned for Part II.

Mental

Posted on by Renée
8

My brain is against me lately.

Not just with regards to my body, with everything. It was an emotional week for me to say the least. I was headhunted again and this time for a company very close to where I am living now. But after a lot of thought and consideration, leaving the company I am at now is, in my opinion, worse than my commute of four hours a week. So once again I then had discussions with my husband about the possibilities of moving and rethinking about the reasons why we weren’t able to move before (which will probably be the reason why we still won’t be able to – and it’s purely financial). I had a lot of discussions about it, cried quite a few tears and felt generally down and confused about my life in general.

With regards to my body, it’s a constant battle. I’ve had to accept that I’m not going to lose weight and move on, eating and behaving like a person who actually cares about health and fitness, not weight. That’s the least difficult of all of this. I know how to eat. I know how to move. I even amazingly have learned how to say “no thanks” or even know when to stop.

But “feeling” my body – I don’t like it. I don’t like how it feels when I’m running for example. There’s a heaviness that holds me back, this proverbial spare tire (which mine is like one of those Monster Truck wheels it seems) that is always there, feeling heavy, jiggling about.

It’s the feeling when I put on my new jeans which are too big in the waist just so they fit the hips and bum

Last week I even started out Monday morning by declaring to my husband that I was just going to have liposuction/sculpture. Trust me, I’m the last person to go for a “quick fix” but this is how desperate I feel at times.

This is just it.

And I’ll never be better. I’ll never be faster. I’ll never be able to run without feeling the heaviness.

I mean, yes, this is a luxury problem. Some people can’t even walk, let alone run. I don’t need to be faster or better, it’s not a requirement to just get out there and do it. My brain wants me to do more, better, faster.

My brain is busy telling me over and over again “you’ll never be any better than this” “why even bother?” “you are going to fail” “you could never run a marathon” “that was stupid, signing up for a half-marathon”

I don’t know where this is coming from. Do I really believe so little in myself? I guess if I fail in the weight loss department, what makes me think that I could succeed in any other area.

Yesterday I knew I needed to go out and get around 16KM since I haven’t really trained according to schedule for the Half-Marathon taking place on April 25th, but the thought of getting out there was driving me completely insane. Like, to the point where I would have rather just curled up in a ball and cried. First I struggled with finding a route (because I didn’t want to get bored with the same routine), then I struggled getting dressed, then I struggled just leaving the house, then I arrived at my destination ready to face it only suddenly I had a full bladder. Then I had to get back in the car and find somewhere to use the facilities. Finally at 4pm I started.

About 8 kilometers in, my brain started to turn on me again. “You are never going to make 16KM today” “you should drop out of the half-marathon, you’ll never manage it” “that was stupid to even think you could accomplish this today”.

And I’m yelling at myself to shut up. That I CAN do it. I just have to keep going. I just have to make it to that next tree/ km marker/ bend in the path. There was a lot of arguing going on.

Ultimately I gave in to the voice. I stopped at nearly 13KM but I still had to walk the rest of the way back. Feeling defeated.

Sometimes I really wonder why I do this. I mean there are days I absolutely love it. Days I don’t care about the chubbiness. Days I don’t care about speed or distance. Days I’m inspired by others to get out there and just do it. I know it makes me feel good and like I accomplished something. But there are other days when I wish I never started this running thing. I was unhappy with myself before I started, but I don’t feel super happy right now either.

I just wish it were easier to fully accept myself the way I am, embrace it and run like it didn’t matter.

***************************

The Diet Mentality

Posted on by Renée
20

Disclaimer: This is not a happy post, but rather a bitter one. It’s something I realized, while I was on holiday in the States, that I am still completely brainwashed from following Weight Watchers for so long. I know the program does work for most people, and it even worked for me a long time ago when my circumstances were different. Quitting WW has not been the liberating experience that I thought it would be. It’s sort of like breaking up with someone you’ve had a relationship with for a long time; you know ultimately they are not right for you, but it’s incredibly painful and the thought of living without them really scares you. Ultimately you have to do the right thing and walk away. That doesn’t stop the pain but you generally learn something in the process. If you are following the program and you’ve had success, I am truly happy for you, however, that doesn’t mean I think you are exempt from what I believe.

***********
As you all know, I’ve been on this weight loss thang for a long time now (ok, maybe you don’t know, but now I’m telling you). I have never, ever been on a “diet” per se, because I don’t believe in “diets”, but I have been a Weight Watcher on and off for a very long time (the first time I joined was in 1992). From my experience Weight Watcher members have always claimed that what they were doing was “changing lifestyle” or simply having a different “way of life” that we were not in fact dieting at all. “Dieting” meant a short-term solution to the problem – whether it be calorie-counting, South Beaching, Atkinsing, Low GI, Jenny Craig, you name it, those things are “diets” and therefore NOT sustainable for the long term. I mean who can live the rest of their life without bread or pasta, right?

Dieting meant something negative, it meant restricting yourself, punishing yourself almost, due to the fact that you were whatever version of Fatass that you believed yourself to be. Dieting could mean fasting, or going very low calorie, or even using pills to shed the unwanted lard from your body. Dieting was what you had to do to get into those jeans again, to go to that 20 year reunion, or to get naked in front of a member of the opposite (or hey for some people the same) sex again. Dieting was a means to an end but not, my friends, a “way of life”.

My experience as a Weight Watchers Member made me better than “those people” because this was the way I was going to live for the rest of my life and see how great it works? Totally sustainable! I was totally smug to you “dieters” out there.

So now I’ve quit Weight Watchers. And yet I am totally programmed, as if I am on a diet. How many points in this, what is a serving of that, which one is the better choice, how many pieces of fruit should I eat, ohmygod I had too much rice now I have to exercise for an hour to earn activity points.

Weight Watchers is ACTUALLY part of the diet mentality. Weigh-ins, measurements, food scales, control, loss of control, disappointment, unhappiness, holding back on “real life” until… until … until… I finally get to size X or weight Z.

I am still thinking of this shit every single day. That’s the diet mentality.If it WASN’T the diet mentality, I could have just quit Weight Watchers and moved on with my life, but my reality is totally opposite.

Every single day – did I eat too much? Ohmygod the scale went up again. Jeeze I haven’t moved enough today. I shouldn’t have had that (fill in the blank). I’m never going to be at my goal weight again. I’m so fat. I’m such a failure. I hate my body and it hates me.

You think that because you are “changing lifestyle” that you are NOT part of the diet mentality? You are. Until you truly accept you for who you are RIGHT THIS VERY MINUTE you will be a part of it. You are a part of it every time you compare, every time you weigh your food, every time you add up calories, every time you calculate ProPoints (or PointsPlus), every time you restrict yourself, every challenge you join, every new idea (or old idea) you buy into. Weight Watchers is the Diet Mentality as well. I was wrong. I am sorry I was so smug to all of you Non Weight Watchers out there, I am totally programmed and even though I’ve let go of the rope I keep thinking this way.

I am certain many people out there could be offended by what I am saying now. I think many people still believe that Weight Watchers is truly different. You’ve had success, you may even be a lifetime member (well, hey, so am I), you worked hard for where you are at, surely I must still be doing something wrong, clearly I am not working the program properly and now clearly I’m looking for someone or something to blame. But no, I’m not. I have just come to realize that I bought into it. I believed in it. At the end of the day it didn’t work. What am I left with? The reminder of all the stuff I “learned”, all the tricks, all the tips I followed and am thousands of euros poorer because of my belief in a program that at the end of it all really didn’t care whether I stayed or quit.

I spent years counting, weighing, measuring. Some days were great, some days turned into weeks and months. Success was MINE! Some days sucked. Some days I couldn’t eat enough. Sometimes I just had too much. Some days I cared and some I didn’t. Some days I really believed I could do this forever. But honestly, who can count points forever? It sucks thinking about it, it sucks tracking it, it sucks when you do everything in your fricking power and the mechanical beast tells you that you actually suck and you are even heavier than you were last week. I spent years being pulled in by the charms to ultimately get a slap in my face when I wanted to walk away. “Go ahead. Walk away. We don’t need you anyway” Years of my life in this DIET MENTALITY. I thought it would be easy to just quit. Seems it’s actually going to be more difficult to step away than I had originally thought.

**********

Positive Post: Monday Reflections and Ten Things

Posted on by Renée
7

Last week was a mixture of the good stuff and the not so good stuff. Stress is a fairly common factor in my life at the moment, at least when it comes to work. It was probably the worst week for someone new to start on my team, but it happened anyway and I had to go with the flow.

That flow meant that I lost control yet again but got such great support from my twitter and blog friends that I was able to turn things around and shift my brain so that I can work towards overcoming that loss of control. It’s still early days, but I feel like I can really DO this. It’s maybe a bit boring but I really, honestly don’t have underlying issues that need to be dealt with; I HAVE been dealing with my issues for many years now and because of that I’m actually where I am right now. I know where my insecurities are and I know why I try to push my emotions (and stress) down. I’m going to be a lot more open and vocal (blogful?) about those things.

I was able to switch the flow a bit and ran twice (on Monday and Friday) and went to the gym on Tuesday (a major achievement since normally I would go straight for the wine and pizza after consuming 3,672 italian chocolates thinking “f*ck it”) and I am so thankful that hubs is now going too. It’s that little bit more making me accountable.

I wasn’t super excited for Saturday, but knowing that my emotions may come into play as we went to pick up the ashes of my beloved Frankie who unfortunately died at 18 years old, I told myself that it was ok to feel, rather than eat the feelings away.

Goodnight my Sweet Frankie

There was no junk consumed. In fact, I only had one glass of wine that evening (I usually reserve 2 or 3 for Saturday night) because of course …

I had my 10.5K in Egmond on Sunday. Which was awesome.

I feel like I am honestly on my way to real acceptance. This is who I am. This is the body I accept. I can do many things. I am healthy. I’m strong. I’m funny. I’m a good friend. A good person. I really can’t complain about much. So I have a few issues with how my clothes fit. A luxury problem. I’ll make the best of it.

10 Things to Look Forward to This Week

1. I only work three days this week!
2. Hub’s birthday on Wednesday – since he kind of rocks my world, I love celebrating the day he was born
3. Seeing not only 1, but 2 friends on Thursday
4. Running!
5. Calling my dad to see how his treatment went (please think good thoughts – he’s having radiation for prostate cancer)
6. Hubs making a new recipe for dinner (a Malaysian Curry)
7. Finally getting to talk to my doctor about what could be going on with me (appt Thurs morning 8am)
8. Gym
9. Going out to dinner for the guy’s birthday, which always means a good laugh with my love.
10. Prepping for Hub’s birthday party on Saturday (and then enjoying the party!!)

What are you looking forward to this week?

More Running, less Whinging.

Posted on by Renée
16

Every new year I imagine myself as one of those people who come up with brilliant goals and resolutions and every year I pretty much come up with not-a-whole-lot.

In 2010 I lost exactly 1 kilogram of weight, which was not really my intention, no, in fact, I really thought I would have hit my goal weight this year. When I started (the last time) in March 2009 I weighed in at 98.5KG or 217 lbs (the year before I know I’d reached 101 at some point, so there was some effort in 2008, just not a lot). My last weigh-in of 2009 was on December 30th at 82.2KG which is a loss for 2009 of 16.3 KGS or 36lbs. My last weigh-in of 2010 was on December 29th, at 81.2KG or 17.3 KGS / 38 lbs lost..

On top of all of the events in December (work stress, my dad being diagnosed with prostate cancer and my beloved cat of 18 years dying), weighing in 1 kilo less than last year really pissed me off and brought me to a point beyond frustration. Since complaining about it on twitter is reduced to 140 characters per tweet I had the feeling that many people just thought I was bitching and nay-saying to suggestions and being stubborn about Weight Watchers in particular without being willing to try anything else. I want to clear a few things up right now:

1) I have tried several different variations of eating; eating more, eating less, eating carbs on work out days, eating every few hours, eating only every 4 -6 hours, eating more fruit, eating less fruit, eating all my points and activity points, even eating more bread (on dietitian’s suggestion). Really. I swear I have tried.

2) I follow Weight Watchers probably just for the guidelines alone. I follow no set meal plan, I eat what I want/like when I want. WW is designed to let you choose and fit it in the program whilst following the fit formulas. Counting calories (while it works for others and that’s a personal choice) is definitely not for me. Why? Because for me, eating is more than just a number of calories. If I knew I should only eat 1500 cals per day I’d just eat that much in chocolate or peanut butter. If I started counting calories I’d have to also count fat, protein, fiber and that’s already where my head starts spinning. Why would I do that when WW has already worked it out for me?

3) I am definitely eating enough.

4) I eat probably 5 servings of fruit and 5 servings of vegetables per day. The fruit could be an issue but I’ve already reduced it from last summer and I need something to eat in between meals.

5) I do think my activity level at times is too high for a standard member of Weight Watchers, but then again, if others are losing weight every week and reaching their goals, why aren’t I? (I know, everyone is different).

6) I have shaken things up more times than I can shake a stick at.

Why am I telling you all of this? Because I’m done. I’m done talking about my weight. I’m done comparing and feeling sad and like a failure. I’m NOT a failure!! This year will be more running and less whinging about my weight. I started running to get fit and I have continued because it actually makes me feel great, so the focus is being shifted to that.

I am still overweight. I don’t want to be, but OK, it is what it is right now. How many times have I said to people “It doesn’t matter how long it takes you to get there, it only matters that you get there”? I need to follow my own words of wisdom, don’t you think?

December did not turn out the way I wanted it to turn out. It’s ok. I have a new month and a new start and I am excited about the future. I wanted to sign up for six races in 2011 and those races are:

1) Egmond half marathon (10.5K portion) – 9 JANUARY
2) Zandvoort Circuit Run (this was my first race last year) 12 K – 27 MARCH
3) Utrecht Marathon – HALF MARATHON 25 APRIL
4) Rondje vom Ederveen 15K – 11 JUNE
5) Bridge to Bridge Arnhem 10K – 12 SEPTEMBER
6) Zevenheuvelenloop Nijmegen 15K – 21 NOVEMBER

I reserve the right to add races to this list :) I would like to do at least one race outside of the Netherlands, I just have to figure out where and when.

So. There are no resolutions. There are no “goals for the year”. Sure there’s stuff I’d like to accomplish. Fitness related and totally non-fitness related. What it boils down to is feeling good about myself, not only my physical body, but my mind, my soul. Running helps, so I’m going to go with that.

What are you going to do more of this year? What less?

Happy New Year Everyone! I wish you all maximum peace, happiness, laughter, love and of course your favorite pie on special occasions.

This is Not a Weight Loss Blog

Posted on by Renée
8

Wait. What?
.
If this is not a weight loss blog than what am I doing here? What are YOU doing here?
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I started this blog so I wouldn’t bog down my “normal everyday life” blog with weight loss stuff. And now? I rarely blog on the other site because this whole quest for health seems to have taken over my life.
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I AM only about weight loss stuff. And I don’t like that very much.
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To be fair I don’t have loads of time for much else and well, let’s face it, sometimes life just gets a wee bit boring in a steady pace and not a lot happens outside the norm.
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The “norm” – wake up, get ready, commute, work, deal with stress, commute, eat something, work in some form of exercise, sleep, rinse repeat.
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This weight loss stuff is also pretty boring.
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And yeah, there hasn’t been any weight loss so I’m kind of even a fraud! *gasp*
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Or not?
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Nah, I am just a girl trying to figure this stuff out. For years I had it in my head that I had to be “doing something” for life to be exciting. This is why, my dear friends, I had problems with commitment and a slight issue spending money (ha! slight.) constantly trying to find that excitement in my life. Friends, social engagements, last minute trips, buying things I couldn’t afford. All to fill up some space somewhere that was empty.
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The emptiness? That was me. So who am I now? Because I’m most certainly not empty. I’ve grown up. Learned from mistakes (still suffering some consequences, but ok). And now life is boring.
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I’m trying to work out if perfecting myself is going to make things more exciting. Suddenly I’ll have all those social engagements again. I’ll have less commuting. More friends. And I’ll look fabulous in my clothes. Hmmm. No, I think not.
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Because I have to go much deeper than that. At the risk of sounding way to philosophical for a Saturday morning, I’m pretty sure that part of this NON weight loss thing has something to do with my brain as well.
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I read blogs that are inspirational, that offer deep insights or even just tips and tricks to get you in the right mindset and I think to myself “But I do that already!” Because mostly, I do.
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I have to tell you, 90% of the time I do not eat crap. I eat natural foods, I cook with fresh ingredients, use good fats, seek out alternatives to animal protein, watch my portions (I still weigh and measure almost everything). I do not eat processed foods. I look at my labels and I won’t buy things that have 70 listed ingredients, 65 of which I can not pronounce. I can spend hours in a health food shop just reading labels and opening myself up to try new things. Anything in the name of good health.
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I watch people all around me (virtually of course) losing weight regularly, who frankly DO eat crap (or whatever you want to call it – I know this stuff tastes good, but there is no added value; crisps/chips, chocolate, sweets, fast food) and they lose weight. They reach mini-goals, milestones, even their own personal goal weight. I know, that’s them, that is not me. I get that and it’s ok.
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But can you understand it makes it more and more difficult to believe that I will be there too one day. Maybe. I accept that I am how I am right now. In fact, I was walking home the other day thinking “It’s not so bad. Two years ago you were miserable, smoking, drinking a lot, eating nothing but crap on a regular basis. You were not a runner. You were not anything really. And now? 80 kilos. That’s really GOOD. You are healthy, fit, feeling more and more confident.” The part of my brain that likes to belittle me has nothing to do with that acceptance. It wants to niggle at me every single time I read about others great success. Nice huh? Maybe I can get a lobotomy for just that part?
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So, yeah. This is not a weight loss blog. There is no weight loss going on here people. Pack up your bags and look for inspiration elsewhere. I’m not ever going to exclaim about my great loss on the scale week after week even though I drank two bottles of wine on a Friday night and ate pizza and KFC all in the same weekend. (which by the way, NEVER KFC thanks to Salmonella poisoning from the KFC at Howard Street near the El in Chicago in 1987). You will not be inspired by my kilo of fruit and vegetables that I nearly every single day, or the Friday night I fell asleep on the couch by 10:15 because I was so exhausted and opted to be horizontal instead of going to the gym.
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You may however be inspired by my determination to never, ever, give up this fight. This will go on to the finish. And we all know, weight loss is the easy part, but it’s never really “finished”. Anyone can lose weight. How many can keep it off? I couldn’t though I gave it a good shot. I can tell you right now though, if this takes me the rest of my life I swear I will still be on a quest to be the best healthy self that I can be.
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This is just my life. A part of it. But a “weight loss” blog? Not so much.

Apparently I’m the only one

Posted on by Renée
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Well. I’m sure I’m not, but when asking certain things out to the twittersphere, I didn’t get much feedback from other heath and weight loss bloggers about plateaus.
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I had a great chat with Samantha and exchanged a couple of emails with Debra. I know that Bitch Cakes had a very long plateau herself and she has two blog posts on the subject from her weekly meetings. Plateaus as “we” know them though, usually don’t last as long as 6 months or more. Mine is now going on 10 months and I think about it every day, what the reasons could be that I’m sticking at this same weight.

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Everyone is different. Every body requires certain things. Sometimes we are on a plateau because we are not really doing 100% in the food and/or exercise department. Sometimes we are on a plateau because of our age; a twenty-two year-olds experience will most likely be much different than this forty-two year-olds experience. Sometimes we are on a plateau because we don’t eat enough or we need to “shake things up” a little bit. Only the person themselves know whether they are really doing everything possible to lose weight in a healthy manner.
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Because that’s the thing, right? I can tell you that I’m doing everything the “right” way. But am I really? Could I be doing it in the “wrong” way? Or is there something else going on? Is it medical? Mental? Physical?

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We hear whining and complaining constantly. “I don’t know why I can’t lose weight” you’ll read and then followed by “Oops, a pizza just fell in my mouth”. I’m not criticizing those people. Everyone has their own responsibility. I try really hard not to complain about non-existent weight loss when I know I’ve had a weekend filled with booze, food, dessert (I never eat dessert) and late-night stop off at the Indian takeaway. I expect to NOT lose weight in these situations. I expect the scale to say “Oh hello one added kilo!” That’s normal. No one can expect to do whatever the hell they want and still lose weight.

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It’s the weeks on end that I am careful. Meticulous. Weighing, measuring, and exercising. Even pre-planning my wine for the weekend. Making shopping lists and food plans. It’s those weeks that it’s especially maddening to see the scale pretty much stay the same. It’s maddening to know that you are losing sleep (literally) to make sure that you are on plan to become the healthiest you that you can be.

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I know my weak areas. 1) Dinner is most likely to be a bit too much food. I am still trying to figure out how to cope with this and how to improve. 2) I do not get enough sleep. Period. 3) I like to have a drink or three during the weekend (I generally am under or right at the recommended max 7 units a week).

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My dietitian mentioned it and I now am nearly convinced that I am producing too much cortisol. I don’t sleep enough, which increases the levels of cortisol over time, which gives a person a hungry signal more often. You all have read me raving like a loon over the fact that I am so hungry at times? Well, this is most likely the reason. I do not know how to solve this except to pretty much find a new job in the town or at least near where I live (since commuting is apparently also something which can increase cortisol levels, and I commute more than 20 hours a week). Getting a new job is not that easy. Not probably in the country that you, dear reader, live in and not where I live either. And certainly not for someone who finds it less stressful to work in an international environment than in an all Dutch-environment (and where I live it’s not super international –those jobs are all in the West). But now I start to digress…

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I’m on a plateau. And I feel very alone in it. I feel like there is no one out there who can understand what I’m going through. No one who can understand just how frustrating it is to hear day after day another person out there in the cybersphere who has another couple of pounds down for the week. I have said it over and over; I know the number on the scale is not the be all and end all of being healthy. I know there are other factors. How do I feel in my clothes? How do I feel about my running progress? How do I feel when I look in the mirror? How do I feel in my head? I measure my success by these things and more. I feel good. I’ve lost weight. I am more confident, but I’m sorry, it’s not enough. I am still overweight and I do not want to be! I can not get my head around what MORE I can possibly do to actually lose weight. I am still at least 22 pounds over the “normal” BMI category. 22 pounds. That’s too much! I can’t even say “oh I’m struggling with the last 10 pounds.” No. it’s 10 KILOS. That is too much. I received some tips about different exercises I can do that would be good for me, but I just don’t know when I could do make time for them. Excuses. I know. I’ve got to get some acceptance here so that I can move on from it. I feel like dropping off for a while so I don’t have to watch everyone else succeed around me. Only thing is, I like seeing my fellow bloggers succeed. I like supporting them. It just feels like there is no one who can relate to me, that I’m truly alone in this.

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So have you ever been on a plateau, a long one, for more than six months? What did you do to break it? What were the circumstances and did you change anything drastically to start losing weight again?