Tag Archives: plateau

Quit What?

Posted on by Renée
4

I really wanted to start writing more often and had visions of brilliant prose flowing from my brain to my fingers on a regular basis. The reality is, I haven’t got a lot to say, and even when I try to think of things to say, it’s a lot of the same stuff over and over. I feel slightly cynical, negative even and have already “lost” many people along the way because they either have nothing to add or comment upon, can’t help me or are tired of my whinging (fair enough).

I’ve thought about “quitting” many, many, many times. I mean really, who am I kidding here? Twenty-One months with hardly any change, who wouldn’t quit by now?

Then I wondered what quitting would mean.

I mean, if I have maintained for this long wouldn’t that actually mean that the “lifestyle change” has taken place? People talk about it yet you hear about the struggles they have in between. Falling off the wagon. Having binges. Constantly having to start over again.

I don’t have a wagon to fall off. I do what I do and for the most part I like it. I actually prefer eating healthy over eating crap. That’s not to say that I’d say no to pizza occasionally but why should I? Where’s enjoyment in life if you can’t occasionally eat and drink something that you love? What about just having a balance?

You know when I have “binges”? When I’m stressed and I start in on the candy jar at work. Or when I’m really, really hungry (like the five eierkoeken I ate two weeks ago and then threw the rest away). I don’t even binge. I don’t eat entire jars of peanut butter anymore. I can have a package of hummous last me a week. I don’t really “get” why it’s so hard to not binge or what it means to have cravings. For the love of Pete I don’t even get bloody cravings! I can be sympathetic to those struggling, but I don’t really relate, if you know what I mean?

I do feel like I’m constantly starting over again but maybe that’s because I’m too focused on this stupid number on the scale. And I’m too involved in weight loss communities, I read blogs, and many women (and some men) around me are obsessed about their weight. Wouldn’t it be great if it were no longer an issue and we could just go on with our day and lives without wondering how many calories something has in it or how that skinny person over there is eating crackers and cottage cheese no wonder I’m fat with my grilled cheese sandwich on my plate? I enjoy being able to track at MFP but I look at some food diaries and I wonder how do they eat so little? Aren’t they starving? And I question myself and berate myself for not being able to “do better”. It’s crazy though, don’t we all have different needs?

So if I have already gone through the change (the lifestyle change, not menopause ha!) , I suppose that means I can’t quit. I mean, what would I do? Go back to eating shit all the time? Overeat and not be careful about how I fuel my body? How would I run properly if I don’t fuel properly?

This isn’t a weight loss “journey”. This is just life. This is my life. I’m perfect the way I am with ALL of my imperfections. I wish I could get over what everyone else is doing or saying or eating. No one has the body I have. No one can really say that what worked for them would work for me. Clearly I am a unique snowflake over here. I keep talking about acceptance and I wonder, how would I be if I had a debilitating disease? Or I couldn’t walk anymore? Wouldn’t that be HARDER to accept than just being slightly overweight? If this is how it is, then I would gladly take this over illness.

I still wish I could report in with what a great week I had (I didn’t) and that the scale is moving in the right direction (it isn’t). I wish I felt more positive, better about everything (I don’t), that I could move and inspire you to also keep going. This is probably more about survival than anything else. I can’t go back, BUT I could just stay right where I am and be ok with that.

If you guys have any tips on doing so, please let me know.

I just wanna know

Posted on by Renée
6

is this what it’s going to be like?

are there no others out there who share my experience?

I mean, you read and hear all of those people who for example:
1) started running and shed loads of unwanted lardy pounds
2) ate low carb/ joined Weight Watchers/ did calorie counting / shakes/ other diets and shed loads of unwanted lardy pounds
3) found they “just didn’t have much of an appetite anymore” after shedding loads of unwanted lardy pounds.

Me? I lost some weight after I started running.

I lost weight with Weight Watchers, for sure.

But.

Everything stopped. Everything. No more weight loss (I started running at 95KG, goal was 70, I’ve not moved below 79). ProPoints didn’t work at all once I made the switch and I tried people. I tried.

I’m seriously having a constant battle with myself. Every day I wake up and I think “I can do this today.” Some days I do. In fact, the last time I weighed in at My Fitness Pal I actually was down to 80.9KG. So, this calorie counting shindig seems to be going all right. Just one little thing though… or maybe two…

I am hungry. This is not the first time you’ve heard this from me. I AM HUNGRY.
Every time I weigh-in (which is NOT weekly) I completely overeat that day. I am trying to find a weigh-in day where there is no risk of being carted away by colleagues for beers or bitterballen. Friday is NOT a good day to weigh in.

Oh? What’s that you say? You shouldn’t be hungry. You should plan for these things. Exercise and use those calories to combat any need for extras. You should eat more protein. Complex Carbs. Fill up on veggies. Get your fibre in. Drink tea and lots of water! Get your good fats. Stay away from processed foods.

Anyway. Last week I weighed in and saw that number 80 again. OK, 80.9, fine. That evening I had beers and bitterballen, on Saturday I had a wine tour and tasting arranged with friends (you don’t want to know how many glasses), dinner out with half of those friends (you don’t want to know what was consumed), Sunday was supposed to be my bike ride to work off all of my sins yet it was “about to rain” any minute (I finally went for 1 hour/ 15KM), then more feasting on beer, wine, pizza and ice cream.

No, not every weekend is like that.

Yesterday I was eating for my countrymen.

Today, I am just empty. Hungry.

I have tried everything! (or have I?) I can’t run. I’m hungry (sorry, am I repeating myself). There’s no loss of appetite. My sins are only alcohol and normally only on the weekends. I admit it, I’m not making excuses or trying to say I’m perfect. I don’t eat junk (*there are emotional moments, I attempt to log everything on MFP*), refined sugars, simple carbs, MSG, etc. I eat well. Really well.

Do I just accept this is the way it’s going to be now?

Frustration leads to Frustration

Posted on by Renée
10

I hate to admit it, but I feel really, really glum.


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As I tweeted the other day:

All of you wonderful people out there, losing weight week after week, yes YOU, even the ones who don’t follow Weight Watchers “fit formulas” or whatever they call them in your country, the ones who don’t actually stay on plan seven days a week, the ones who drink more than a couple of units of alcohol a week, I am truly happy for you, but it punches me in the face and gut time after time after time. Of course it’s silly to compare, “everyone’s different” they say (the mysterious “they”), “it’s such a personal journey” (there’s that word again). Before all of you lovelies think “here she goes on another whinge fest” please hear me out. Don’t stop reading here. Pay attention. Just in case, one day, you find yourself alone in a situation and really need someone to listen or a cyber shoulder to cry on…

Because I feel really, really alone in this.

And I want to say, to those of you who tell me that “it isn’t abnormal” – please explain to me WHAT is normal about THIRTEEN MONTHS ON A PLATEAU. Please point me in the direction of so many others who have been maintaining and not losing for more than a year, people who need to lose weight, who are not just on the last 5 lbs or so. THIS IS NOT NORMAL.

Let me backtrack a little bit. I definitely want to accept. Accepting is quite a challenge some days. Some days are easier. This morning I finally saw my doctor to discuss what I discussed with my dietitian the last time I saw her. My lovely dietitian, the one who actually expressed concern and understanding, who could totally understand why I would be so frustrated, was going to give a detailed report to my doctor. Turns out she did not do this. She was supposed to do this, so that when I called to make an appointment, quite possibly she would already recommend that I go straight for blood tests to see if there was something medically going on with me. She did not do this. I knew it was about to go all wrong when I sat down and my doctor said “So, how can I help you this morning?” with her fake smile. What? She didn’t even know why I was there??? So I explained about the report and the first thing she said was that she didn’t know what I was talking about. Eventually she found the “report” but there was hardly anything in it. I had to repeat myself yet again and she smiled patronisingly at me and said “It’s normal to have a plateau.” I felt insulted. WHY WAS I THERE?? We talked about diabetes, my thyroid, hormones. She asked me if I had eaten already, because if not I should go for blood tests. *Sigh* I had eaten an apple before I left because no one said anything about blood tests this morning. Now I have to go tomorrow. And then of course they won’t have the results back for three days and I’ll have to go back again to hear what the doctor again has to say. And each time I go there I am reminded that there are no answers.

The thing is. I know what’s going to happen. I’m going to give blood. They are going to find nothing. I don’t have issues with my thyroid. If I did, I would have symptoms. I don’t have diabetes. I don’t have high blood pressure. I don’t have any sicknesses. I am freaking healthy as a horse. I don’t even get a freaking cold. I get the flu approximately every 7 years. They will find nothing and I will forever be back at square zero. No one is going to help me through this. No one knows any answers. I have to accept this. I will never reach anywhere close to my goal weight. I will always be overweight.

And that’s fine. I will continue to eat well. I will continue to stay healthy. I will continue to run. I will have good acceptance days. I will have bad acceptance days. There is hardly anything that has been suggested to me that I haven’t already tried. I even plugged in a typical day’s food to Sparkpeople to see what my daily numbers looked like – I was totally on the mark. I have done less carbs, more protein and vice versa. I eat my fruits and vegetables. I get all my healthy fats in. I have done high days and low days to confuse my body. I am now circuit training as well as running and trying to get some yoga incorporated. I drink approx 6 units of alcohol a week (recommendation is no more than 7 for a woman). I do not take medication. There is something wrong with me.

Or maybe there isn’t.

Please, please, please allow me to cry about this sometimes though. Please just tell me this fucking sucks and I have every right to kick and scream and be envious at time (even though it’s totally a unflattering reaction). Please don’t minimalise or trivialise my feelings about it and underestimate just how lonely and rotten I feel about this sometimes. You have seriously no idea how hard this is. Accepting THIS. It’s one thing to work hard and see the actual fruits of your labor. Me, I get to reap only the benefits I can’t see. No one even asks me how much weight I’ve lost. Because people only know me as the one who doesn’t lose and whinges about it all the time. They don’t SEE anything happening to me. I don’t see it. I only have to accept that on the inside everything is running like a well oiled machine. That I am a success in a different way. That, hey, I’m practising maintenance and didn’t even know it, isn’t that just a hoot?

You don’t have to remind me of the other stuff. I know. I’m a runner. I’m reaching goals in other ways. But I’m sad you guys. I’m really really sad about this. This is not what I wanted. I am trying to change now what I want, which is acceptance and moving on, but it’s hard. Some days are just harder than others.

Chances Are

Posted on by Renée
11

Chances of ever learning: 0
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Chances of ever seeing the back of 80KG: 0
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Chances of not feeling jealous when others lose 3,672 lbs in less than a year while I only lose 5lbs: 0
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Chances of not feeling fed up with this whole fucking thing: 0
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Chances of ever getting regular and consistent sleep: 0
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Chances of moving and having less of a commute: 0
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Chances of not hating my body just for one day: 0
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Chances of not being angry at myself for one reason or another: 0
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Chances of not feeling jaded, bitter and envious: 0
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I’m really, really, really fed up right now. The only reason I don’t quit is because I’m too stubborn to quit. I’ve put too much into this. Even though MY BODY REFUSES TO FUCKING COOPERATE WITH ME. I’ve spent too much money on clothes that fit and gotten rid of all my fat clothes. I’ve put myself out there and claimed to be an athlete. Yeah. A FAT athlete. What a joke.
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I’m stressed and MY BRAIN REFUSES TO FUCKING COOPERATE WITH ME. When am I going to learn that JUNK WILL NOT HELP ME!! IT WILL NOT SOLVE MY PROBLEMS. IT WILL NOT DO MY WORK OR THE WORK OF THE PERSON WHO REFUSES TO COME TO THE OFFICE. Seriously. I’m 42 years old. WHY is it so difficult to get this through my thickass skull?!!
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I’m angry. I’m bitter. I want to be happy for others. I want to not compare. I want to accept myself and who I am, regardless of my body size or shape or weight. But I don’t get it! Is there something wrong with me physically, biologically??
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I’m sick of being positive. I’m sick of finding all of the good things. I have given myself all of the pep talks I’ve given to others. I’ve listened endlessly to advice. I’ve focused on other things. I’ve said eleventy billion times that it’s not the number on the scale. I KNOW ALL OF THE THINGS I’M SUPPOSED TO KNOW. I’m tired, people. Tired of congratulating. Tired of being excited for others. I want some of that too. I don’t want this to just be about me maintaining this stupid weight, WHICH BY THE WAY IS STILL IN THE OVERWEIGHT BMI CATEGORY, who just happens to run. Who runs but never improves because she is FAT.

I don’t want to be fat anymore. Give me a fucking break here. I want to lose weight and reach my goal too. Why is that so much to ask?

Apparently I’m the only one

Posted on by Renée
27

Well. I’m sure I’m not, but when asking certain things out to the twittersphere, I didn’t get much feedback from other heath and weight loss bloggers about plateaus.
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I had a great chat with Samantha and exchanged a couple of emails with Debra. I know that Bitch Cakes had a very long plateau herself and she has two blog posts on the subject from her weekly meetings. Plateaus as “we” know them though, usually don’t last as long as 6 months or more. Mine is now going on 10 months and I think about it every day, what the reasons could be that I’m sticking at this same weight.

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Everyone is different. Every body requires certain things. Sometimes we are on a plateau because we are not really doing 100% in the food and/or exercise department. Sometimes we are on a plateau because of our age; a twenty-two year-olds experience will most likely be much different than this forty-two year-olds experience. Sometimes we are on a plateau because we don’t eat enough or we need to “shake things up” a little bit. Only the person themselves know whether they are really doing everything possible to lose weight in a healthy manner.
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Because that’s the thing, right? I can tell you that I’m doing everything the “right” way. But am I really? Could I be doing it in the “wrong” way? Or is there something else going on? Is it medical? Mental? Physical?

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We hear whining and complaining constantly. “I don’t know why I can’t lose weight” you’ll read and then followed by “Oops, a pizza just fell in my mouth”. I’m not criticizing those people. Everyone has their own responsibility. I try really hard not to complain about non-existent weight loss when I know I’ve had a weekend filled with booze, food, dessert (I never eat dessert) and late-night stop off at the Indian takeaway. I expect to NOT lose weight in these situations. I expect the scale to say “Oh hello one added kilo!” That’s normal. No one can expect to do whatever the hell they want and still lose weight.

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It’s the weeks on end that I am careful. Meticulous. Weighing, measuring, and exercising. Even pre-planning my wine for the weekend. Making shopping lists and food plans. It’s those weeks that it’s especially maddening to see the scale pretty much stay the same. It’s maddening to know that you are losing sleep (literally) to make sure that you are on plan to become the healthiest you that you can be.

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I know my weak areas. 1) Dinner is most likely to be a bit too much food. I am still trying to figure out how to cope with this and how to improve. 2) I do not get enough sleep. Period. 3) I like to have a drink or three during the weekend (I generally am under or right at the recommended max 7 units a week).

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My dietitian mentioned it and I now am nearly convinced that I am producing too much cortisol. I don’t sleep enough, which increases the levels of cortisol over time, which gives a person a hungry signal more often. You all have read me raving like a loon over the fact that I am so hungry at times? Well, this is most likely the reason. I do not know how to solve this except to pretty much find a new job in the town or at least near where I live (since commuting is apparently also something which can increase cortisol levels, and I commute more than 20 hours a week). Getting a new job is not that easy. Not probably in the country that you, dear reader, live in and not where I live either. And certainly not for someone who finds it less stressful to work in an international environment than in an all Dutch-environment (and where I live it’s not super international –those jobs are all in the West). But now I start to digress…

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I’m on a plateau. And I feel very alone in it. I feel like there is no one out there who can understand what I’m going through. No one who can understand just how frustrating it is to hear day after day another person out there in the cybersphere who has another couple of pounds down for the week. I have said it over and over; I know the number on the scale is not the be all and end all of being healthy. I know there are other factors. How do I feel in my clothes? How do I feel about my running progress? How do I feel when I look in the mirror? How do I feel in my head? I measure my success by these things and more. I feel good. I’ve lost weight. I am more confident, but I’m sorry, it’s not enough. I am still overweight and I do not want to be! I can not get my head around what MORE I can possibly do to actually lose weight. I am still at least 22 pounds over the “normal” BMI category. 22 pounds. That’s too much! I can’t even say “oh I’m struggling with the last 10 pounds.” No. it’s 10 KILOS. That is too much. I received some tips about different exercises I can do that would be good for me, but I just don’t know when I could do make time for them. Excuses. I know. I’ve got to get some acceptance here so that I can move on from it. I feel like dropping off for a while so I don’t have to watch everyone else succeed around me. Only thing is, I like seeing my fellow bloggers succeed. I like supporting them. It just feels like there is no one who can relate to me, that I’m truly alone in this.

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So have you ever been on a plateau, a long one, for more than six months? What did you do to break it? What were the circumstances and did you change anything drastically to start losing weight again?