Tag Archives: Frustration

Overdue

Posted on by Renée
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It really has been almost a month since I blogged. With good reason. Seriously it’s been a wild crazy busy couple of months and the stress level has been pretty high.

I meant to update at the end of October – remember I had some goals?

1) I will not only log into MyFitnessPal every day, I will actually log the food I eat as well.
2) if I am out, for whatever reason, and I am unable to log electronically, I will do it the old fashioned way and the enter when I have a chance (I am volunteering at the Amsterdam marathon this month and will be away from the computer at that time)
3) the whole month of October I will be beer-free
4) I will go to the gym twice a week. No excuses.
5) I will run minimum twice a week.
6) I will continue to not eat the chocolates from work, the entire month of October. (not cutting out chocolate in general, just not mindlessly stress-eating from the candy jar.

I did fairly well with MFP – though I keep missing a day here or there and messing up my days in a row. Prior to going to Cornwall in September I was maybe one or two days shy of a year when I forgot to log in. I think the point here though is, logging in at least plants the seed and makes me think about what I’m going to end up entering in my food diary. Food logging isn’t the worst habit to have, in fact, I am sure that it stops people from further damage (if there is damage).

I was not beer-free the whole month, however, there were a lot less excuses for it. I had beer after the Amsterdam Marathon (where I was a volunteer, not a runner) and I had beer when I went to Brussels to the new Hard Rock Cafe with a couple of friends (one who was here for just 48 hours, purposely to go to HRC).

Running – I wanted to run minimum twice a week and it averages out to that – my mileage was 71KM which is amazingly the most I’ve run all year in a one month period.

It looks like I didn’t mention the gym in my goals and I thought I had – I wanted to go at least 2 times a week in October. I didn’t manage this every week but I went way more in October than I did since I joined my new gym earlier in the year.

November was pretty mental. Like really mental. My brain was playing a lot more tricks on me than usual – basically there is something going on at this very moment that I can not share yet (possibly next week) but it’s something that has had me waxing and waning between self-confidence and self-doubt. The times when I’m not feeling super confident seem to be the times that I’m most vulnerable to eating junk or not going to the gym or not sleeping enough. It’s definitely been a rough month yet I still have some running, cycling and gym under my belt. I’m treading water and it’s going ok but eventually I need to do something else…

I’ve got some other things I want to talk about like my weekend away at the spa hotel and the 15K I did last weekend, but those are for the next post.

Losing Steam

Posted on by Renée
12

I’m sorry I’ve been so quiet lately.

I was really working hard on my goals for October and to be honest I feel like I did pretty good, not 100% consistent, but I really worked hard to get my running and my gym time in. I didn’t log my food on MFP every day and I managed to only stick my head in the candy jar once at work this month. So honestly, I give myself credit for that, for sure.

But I’m losing steam. I am bogged down by stuff that is in my head and I’ll tell you what it is – It’s about being good enough.

I realise I’m not super open and I know I can listen very well and be supportive but I have this thing about opening up either at the wrong time or not at all.

And I’ve done this basically forever.

I’m sure I’m not the only person in the world who feels this way – basically, trying to manage my life in a balanced way means that I am always lacking in one area or another.

Like, for example, if I want to go to the gym or run (commitments to myself), it means less times with friends. There is guilt associated with that. Sometimes it’s just colleagues (but let’s not let that mean that I don’t truly them and definitely miss spending time away from work with them) but other times it’s true friends. I feel like I’m not a good enough friend. How can I be when I don’t spend enough time with them?

So then I try to spend more time with friends, and I don’t go to the gym, or I skip a run. I know, I know, it’s not the end of the freaking world, but then I feel like I failed myself again. Sure. Make sure everyone else around you is happy Pinky and don’t bother with yourself.

I make priorities and others fall by the wayside.
I don’t answer my emails from my family for weeks.
I’m lagging behind on paying bills.
I’m lagging behind on cleaning my house.
I rarely cook for my husband.
When my kids are around I’m stuffing in activities with friends or doing errands or running. So I’m a crappy stepmom as well.
I’m too tired to have any kind of alone time with my husband (yeah you know what I mean), sleep then becomes a priority, ie, crappy wife.

I am trying to push forward in so many areas in my life and work is one of them. Yet I’m dealing with delays and ambiguity and uncertainty and day after day it’s chipping away at my self-esteem.

I feel like I’M JUST NOT GOOD ENOUGH. In any area.

I am reaching for chocolates.
I’m not logging my food.
I just skipped a run for pete’s sake. Why? because I’m tired.
I’m losing steam. I feel like I can’t do this anymore. None of it. I can’t do it anymore.

I have the crappiest choice available – SUCK IT UP and carry on trying to find what works or go back to the way things were. You know, when I was smoking and drinking every night and weighed 101KG. Because yeah, I felt like I was good enough back then, for sure. *rolls eyes*

I’m frustrated. I want to have a normal life. Normal relationships. Normal spare time. Nothing in my life right now is normal.

What do you do when you really start to lose it? I feel like a broken record lately, but this is just totally messing with my head right now. I know I don’t have to be perfect, but how do I ever get closer to that balance I so desperately need?

What if there were no prize?

Posted on by Renée
14

I know what you are going to say.

“The prize is your health”
“The prize is having a long and fit life”

I know.

I really do.

But seriously some days I just think this is so hard.
All this hard work.
All the effort.
Planning, scheduling, running, racing, working out, getting fit, being involved, being the example.

It’s so fucking hard sometimes.

It feels like there’s no prize.

It’s never over. You have to keep going on and on and on and on.

You aren’t “lucky”
You have to work for it. *I* have to work for it.

There will never be one single day in my life where I won’t have to consciously make decisions about what I’m going to do, what I’m going to eat, how am I going to make a difference, today. Just today. And then do it all over again tomorrow.

There’s no prize.

“The prize is your health”

Yeah. OK. I get it.

“But you look so great!”
It’s not about looking great.
It’s not.

It’s about the fact that I can not do ANYTHING without thinking of the consequences.
How many calories?
When am I going to run?
How am I going to get a work out in?
What am I going to eat?

For “my health”

Because that’s really it. The numbers don’t change much. Clothes don’t fit right. I don’t get faster. It’s all the same.

There’s just no prize. There’s just me, currently NOT being fabulous.

Wednesday Food Fail?

Posted on by Renée
12

Ok not a total fail but as you all know I’ve been jet setting all over the place so I haven’t made a new recipe for nearly two weeks. I’m slowly getting back in my own time zone rhythm and I’ll resume the amazing and wondrous food fest postings next week.

But I want to talk a little bit about a real food fail. It’s making me crazy and I don’t know why I don’t stop it. Notice I don’t say I “can’t” because I CAN I’m just NOT.

It’s been busy and stressful at work as it normally is this time of year and I’m giving in over and over again to the candy jar. My nemesis. My kryptonite. I am consciously walking over to the jar and basically shoving my head in it, consuming as many chocolates that I can get down my gullet. WTAF? I hate this so much – I know it doesn’t help me, not in the slightest so WHY DO I CONTINUE THIS BEHAVIOR?

Why does it take so long to unlearn lifelong consoling habits? Do I need to figure out why I ever did this in the first place? To be honest with you I don’t want to delve into the past – do I need to do that now to fix the present?

You know, I used to smoke cigarettes (have to clarify that since people associate the Netherlands with weed, which I don’t smoke either) and even did for a few years here and a few years there, meaning I did quit and restart but always years after quitting. Each time I quit I just QUIT. Stopped. The last time I quit was 4 years ago nearly and I have no intention of starting again because I just don’t think it would be conducive to my lifestyle now (we all know it’s not healthy and I’m not judging you if you smoke, I’m just saying for me it would be a dumb move to start again).

So why can’t I quit shoving chocolate in my face when I’m stressed? If I had to pay a fine of €1 for every time I put candy in my gob In a stressful situation I’d be really broke. I don’t want to do it anymore! I have discipline in so many areas, why do I insist on sabotaging myself?

I realize only I can answer these questions for myself and come up with solutions, but I would love any feedback as to how others deal with this kind of thing.

In any case, today, I am not going to do it. I need a good food day. I need to feel in control. I need to look at the bigger picture and remember that I only do things that add value to my life. This stress-habit doesn’t so at least today it won’t be happening.

Gym Woes

Posted on by Renée
8

Unfortunately I don’t have a lot of great news to report since my last post.

In fact there’s kind of some bad news. My gym, my NEW gym, at least the branch in Arnhem, where I live, has been taken over by another company. That means I can no longer go there. This also means that I am not seeing the personal trainer anymore, nor have I actually been to the gym for a couple of weeks.

Funnily enough, remember back when I went to the gym with a friend of mine, in another town (I thought I’d mentioned it anyway but I can’t find the post)? Well we both belonged to HealthCity and then her branch was bought out by Basic-Fit. They took away a lot of the classes, no more trainers and you had to pay extra for things like showers and lockers. At HealthCity they also had things like free beverages (non-alcoholic) and child care services (not that I needed it, but still), but that’s all been dropped as well.

What pissed me off the most is that they just assumed I would switch over to the new membership and they deducted the money from my account, whilst my company also deducted the membership fees from my salary. I got the money back, thankfully.

But now what? I can go in Amsterdam, but that means being home pretty late, so I’d need to really re-think my food schedule (not only eating something before gym, but AFTER the gym, since it’s 2 hours to get home, but ALSO that food is already prepped for the next day, since I won’t have time the rest of the evening to prepare). I could go in Nijmegen (a city close to me) but I can’t take public transport at all. I’d have to go home first, eat, get the car, drive a half an hour…. You get the picture. Again, I’d have to re-do my food schedule as well. I could go in Utrecht, which is halfway between work and home, but again I have the same challenge really.

This is quite annoying.

I quit my other gym to go to HealthCity and now I really don’t think this is going to work out. I signed up for a year! I feel like I’ve been tricked! Surely they knew they were going to sell. You don’t just make this decision from one day to the next. I started in Feb, they officially changed 1st of May.

My biggest fear is that my company also are not going to get me out of this contract and I will be paying eventually for two memberships, since I really do NEED to go to a gym to work out. I want to do strength training and I don’t have the space or the equipment at home.

In the meantime this means that any and all weight loss is stalled yet again because basically I’m only doing the bare minimum.

I realize this really is a luxury problem, but it still could end up costing me quite a bit if I end up not going to any HealthCity. No one likes to just piss money away, whether it’s a luxury or not!

What am I going to do…?

Week In Review:: 4 Dec – 11 Dec

Posted on by Renée
2

This post should be titled:
The Week that Wasn’t

or alternatively:
Don’t be like me and eat crap all week

But alas, I’m going with the standard Week in Review Post…

You know when people talk about motivation, I find myself thinking about the post that I wrote some time ago and I truly believe that motivation is nothing something you can just “get” from somewhere. Not having motivation (in my opinion) is actually just an excuse why you (general “you”) don’t do the things you know that you need to do to be healthy, fit and feel good about yourself in general.

For example, it wasn’t lack of motivation that I ate like crap this week. It was other things. And they were all related to emotions:

I’m tired.
I have some quite some stress at work.
I had my Aunt Flo visiting me this week and felt like complete and utter shit on a stick (massive back pain and cramps)
I found out that my grandmother has pretty bad dementia and my dad actually thought she may have had a stroke (this particular fact had me crying a LOT last week – am so afraid I won’t see her again, plus she is my only link with where I come from, she’s my history, my GRANDMOTHER, someone I spent so much time with; I was her first grandchild and the thought of her dying now just really upsets me greatly) – she’s now moved into a nursing home. On Wednesday I even almost booked a flight home.

So with these as my excuses/facts I do realise 100% that sticking my head in the candy jar at work is NOT a solution. The stress and the pain in my back could be relieved with a run or an hour at the gym, but clearly I wasn’t willing to do that this week. I’ve no one else to blame here. I made the choice and I have to live with it. I’ll be honest, I’m fairly sick of myself and reacting with food in these ways that I do feel a very serious change coming on. I cannot continue my life like this – this emotional eating does absolutely nothing for me but enhance my crappy feeling.

So another week has gone by and I did not go to the gym. That’s 2 weeks since October. I did however fill out the form to join the other gym that my company pays a chunk of the membership fee each month. I just need the option to go to the gym in the weekend after 12. So I’ll be sending my letter (again) to my current gym to stop my membership.

Something fun happened this Saturday – although eating was still not stellar, the kids, hubs and I all went to the Openluchtmuseum (Open Air Museum) here in Arnhem. It was SO MUCH FUN. And I can tell you we were walking around pretty much all day. We even did a bit of tubing down a “snowy” hill and went ice skating. It was the kind of day that just made you forget all of the stress and worry, just for a few hours. I was so grateful for this day, even though I’m pretty broken from landing on my tush a few times on the ice skates. For your viewing pleasure, a few photos:

It was an absolutely GORGEOUS day!

S-Daughter and Hubs (waving) on ice:

My Family *swoons*

Coming down the hill

How can anyone not enjoy this scenery?

I got a run in today that I called the Road to Redemption; feeling much better mentally and physically!!

So, plan for the week: Get some food prepped (still haven’t done it and it’s nearly 7:30pm), go to the gym, enjoy the party next Friday night (company party), try to get through Christmas shopping, see my girlfriend M and get a run in. Should be possible.

How was your week?

Here we go again

Posted on by Renée
11

I felt it coming on. That feeling of sadness. Frustration. Anger. I knew it was coming and I *think* I tried to stop it but eventually it washed over me.

That feeling that no matter what I do, it doesn’t matter.

That feeling that no matter how much I think of other good, positive things, the number on the scale eventually makes it’s way into the “importance” section of my brain.

Of course I’ve only given my all for what, a little over a week? Sure, it takes time. I have to be consistent. There’s no way I can judge how things are going if I’m not consistent, right?

But isn’t that what the last two years have been? Or not?

What am I doing wrong?

How many times can I try something different?

How many times can I try something new?

How many times can I switch things up a bit?

I have followed the advise of two dietitians, tried Weight Watchers (again), calorie counted, ditched carbs, added only complex carbs back, changed how and when I eat, used smaller dishes, drank more water, less coffee, less dairy. I even took some supplement that was supposed to keep me from getting hungry (and a friend of mine has something else for me to try from Herbal Life) and that did f*ckall. The only thing I haven’t tried are particular strict diets (though was more than willing to try Dukan, just didn’t want to shell out the money for the book) or juice fasts.

Honestly. What do I have to do?

Yesterday Hubs said to me “2 more years of this and then you are going to start living”. I thought, “my G*d! If I have to go two more years LIKE THIS I definitely will go off the deep end!” I challenged him and asked him why he assumed I wasn’t “living” now. Basically he said because it makes me so unhappy. He’s right.

Maybe I need to start living again now. Why should I wait until I’m 45? What sort of age is that? Why don’t I deserve to live now?

I just have no idea how to stop thinking about it ALL THE TIME. It’s consuming. It really does become an obsession after so long. I don’t recall ever feeling this frustrated when I was actually losing weight. That’s probably because when you see results on the scale (you can try as much as you want to “not care” what the scale says) it propels you further, it gives you the strength and motivation to keep going.

I understand and have experienced maintenance before and I know this is exactly what it’s like to be in that phase. Problem is, I’m in that phase when actually the number needs to go down a bit more.
Why “needs”?

It’s not the magic number. I think I may have mentioned several times before –I don’t want to be “skinny”. I don’t even need to be the weight that the charts tell me I should be. I know how I FEEL at 70-72 KG and I felt good then. Fit, healthy, not blobby or uncomfortable. Things were more in place. Tighter. It’s not just a number you see? It’s the feeling.

Yesterday I did what I always end up doing. I just thought “screw this” and had a chocolate muffin. Then later I had a biscuit. Then later I was in Starbucks, waiting for my train home and I thought “yeah I’m just going to shove a caramel brownie down my neck since it doesn’t really matter.” I got a coffee and a chocolate coin instead. It didn’t make me feel better (same result as always).

So. Here we go again. Another attempt at another day in another year at the same place I was before.

Quit What?

Posted on by Renée
4

I really wanted to start writing more often and had visions of brilliant prose flowing from my brain to my fingers on a regular basis. The reality is, I haven’t got a lot to say, and even when I try to think of things to say, it’s a lot of the same stuff over and over. I feel slightly cynical, negative even and have already “lost” many people along the way because they either have nothing to add or comment upon, can’t help me or are tired of my whinging (fair enough).

I’ve thought about “quitting” many, many, many times. I mean really, who am I kidding here? Twenty-One months with hardly any change, who wouldn’t quit by now?

Then I wondered what quitting would mean.

I mean, if I have maintained for this long wouldn’t that actually mean that the “lifestyle change” has taken place? People talk about it yet you hear about the struggles they have in between. Falling off the wagon. Having binges. Constantly having to start over again.

I don’t have a wagon to fall off. I do what I do and for the most part I like it. I actually prefer eating healthy over eating crap. That’s not to say that I’d say no to pizza occasionally but why should I? Where’s enjoyment in life if you can’t occasionally eat and drink something that you love? What about just having a balance?

You know when I have “binges”? When I’m stressed and I start in on the candy jar at work. Or when I’m really, really hungry (like the five eierkoeken I ate two weeks ago and then threw the rest away). I don’t even binge. I don’t eat entire jars of peanut butter anymore. I can have a package of hummous last me a week. I don’t really “get” why it’s so hard to not binge or what it means to have cravings. For the love of Pete I don’t even get bloody cravings! I can be sympathetic to those struggling, but I don’t really relate, if you know what I mean?

I do feel like I’m constantly starting over again but maybe that’s because I’m too focused on this stupid number on the scale. And I’m too involved in weight loss communities, I read blogs, and many women (and some men) around me are obsessed about their weight. Wouldn’t it be great if it were no longer an issue and we could just go on with our day and lives without wondering how many calories something has in it or how that skinny person over there is eating crackers and cottage cheese no wonder I’m fat with my grilled cheese sandwich on my plate? I enjoy being able to track at MFP but I look at some food diaries and I wonder how do they eat so little? Aren’t they starving? And I question myself and berate myself for not being able to “do better”. It’s crazy though, don’t we all have different needs?

So if I have already gone through the change (the lifestyle change, not menopause ha!) , I suppose that means I can’t quit. I mean, what would I do? Go back to eating shit all the time? Overeat and not be careful about how I fuel my body? How would I run properly if I don’t fuel properly?

This isn’t a weight loss “journey”. This is just life. This is my life. I’m perfect the way I am with ALL of my imperfections. I wish I could get over what everyone else is doing or saying or eating. No one has the body I have. No one can really say that what worked for them would work for me. Clearly I am a unique snowflake over here. I keep talking about acceptance and I wonder, how would I be if I had a debilitating disease? Or I couldn’t walk anymore? Wouldn’t that be HARDER to accept than just being slightly overweight? If this is how it is, then I would gladly take this over illness.

I still wish I could report in with what a great week I had (I didn’t) and that the scale is moving in the right direction (it isn’t). I wish I felt more positive, better about everything (I don’t), that I could move and inspire you to also keep going. This is probably more about survival than anything else. I can’t go back, BUT I could just stay right where I am and be ok with that.

If you guys have any tips on doing so, please let me know.

Part I:: What to do when you can’t do what you do

Posted on by Renée
4

Shhhh. Did you hear that?

Wait, there it is again!

Crickets! That’s right, crickets!

It’s been awfully quiet around here. I didn’t mean for it to be like this but the truth is a lot has been going on, and sometimes nothing has been going on and well other things were taking the focus.

The last time I posted was June 5th. June 5th! It’s now July 13th. I started writing a post a few weeks ago and never completed it. While I know this is my blog and it should be for me blah blah blah it’s kind of disheartening to know that this little place on the interwebz is never really going to be that awesome sort of little place that people like to visit and interact. So, there, I said it. It’s fine. Moving right along.

After my semi-pathetic Half Marathon in April (yes I know, “get over it”) I really was having a lot of problems with my left knee. In fact before the Half; every time I would train for more than an hour it would really hurt and hurt for days afterwards. I didn’t train well for the Half and there were two main reasons for that 1) time and 2) my knee. I learned valuable lessons from the experience so I wouldn’t trade it or not do it if I could do it all over again (I would do it differently of course).

Once that was over and I was trying to get over the result, I started cycling a bit more. Mostly commuting but occasionally I’d go further or longer or purposely set out on a specific route – something to do that was physical, enjoyable and not hard on my knees. I had a few races planned; one I dropped out of (the Zuidas) and one I participated in on June 19th, the Adidas Ladies Run.

A few days before the run I had a running group (work team) session with our trainer – my knee was killing me. In fact I was talking to my trainer and the combination of my knee, her asking me about the Half, and the upcoming race had me in tears. She was so sweet – she sent me a pep talk email a day later and told me most importantly to stop being so hard on myself.

On the 19th, I had my regular race day routine, got ready, ate, and so forth and drove to Rotterdam with my support crew (Hubs and M), but I was feeling a bit nervous. Not for the 10K. Not for the race itself. Mostly about my knee.

To cut a long story short, the race was good. I felt good for 90%. My knee hurt from the start all the way to the finish. I probably shouldn’t have run on it but I did. It was raining but it didn’t bother me, I felt like I was running a good race. When I finally crossed the line, I wanted to burst out into tears – my knee hurt so bad, yet I just ran just less than 1 minute faster than my fastest 10K in February at Groet aan Schoorl. I knew that 10K was really going to be my distance, something I could really work towards getting faster, stronger. I couldn’t WAIT to do my next 10K and start training for the 16K in September (Dam to Damloop) and the 15K in November, maybe even find one or two more for before the end of the year.

Reality is that after that race I had to go to the physiotherapist. The pain was just too much. After checking me out and doing a few physical tests the verdict was in: No Running for 3 – 6 months.

Running is my therapy. It’s what clears my mind. It makes me feel like I can actually accomplish something (this is pretty all-encompassing when you are a person who can be happy and accept their life 90% of the time, there is still 10% that feels like there is a lot of failure), It makes me feel strong, confident. If I can’t run, what CAN I do?

Stay tuned for Part II.

A Confession out of Sheer Desperation

Posted on by Renée
8

Well, it’s confession time folks.

Remember when I quit Weight Watchers because I’d had enough? Enough of trying to make ProPoints work for me. Enough of feeling like a failure. Enough of feeling miserable because I was hungry. I could do this on my own. I knew what to do. More than 10 years of Weight Watchers you would think I would know what to do!

So, when was that? I don’t know. February? I was around the 80-81KG mark then. Still maintaining just like the 15 months before. Then I went on holiday to the US. I expected to gain weight (I’m not saying “go to the US you’ll gain weight” it’s more, I was going home and I planned on having some food I don’t normally have here in the Netherlands and I knew there would be quite a few dinners out and, well, I wasn’t going to worry too much about it) and I did, 2.5KG. But since this gain I haven’t been able to go back down. Anyone remember that I was complaining that I didn’t want to weigh 80KG? Well. I’d love to weigh 80KG now. Hmmmmph.

I’ve been seeing 83, 84, and I don’t like it. I was still weighing and measuring my food, just clearly having too much. And, let’s face it, there were several ice creams involved in my life in the last few months. And back at the candy jar at work. And other things I really didn’t need.

So, with my tail between my proverbial legs, I joined Weight Watchers online again. Like a fool. Because you know what? I am sort of desperate. I haven’t used it much though. Again, foolish. Money wasted. After the first few days I was already frustrated again. I’m having such a hard time with ProPoints – it makes no sense to me at all! Like a Bad Ex there is just too much damage to our relationship. I have to stop this. I have to quit again.

Recently I saw a few local twitter friends had joined My Fitness Pal. They mentioned how great it was that there were Dutch foods in the database. One of the reasons I don’t log my food on Sparkpeople for example is because for me it’s cumbersome, time consuming. I have to enter almost everything into the database and personally I’d rather take the time to get myself to the gym than sit in front of the computer logging items if you know what I mean (as it is, I’m usually writing my blog posts in the train, because I can’t do much else). So, I went over to MFP and I joined.

I’ve now logged a week’s worth of food, drink and exercise. I can clearly see areas where I need to improve. Yesterday I planned out my dinner and I could see that I would be over for the day, so I changed up my snacks and the quantities I would have at dinner and made it work.

One could argue that I could do the same on Weight Watchers. Again, I’m thinking there’s a reason why we broke up in the first place. Sure the sex may have been great but for the long term, not the one for me.

So that’s my confession. I’m an idiot. I joined Weight Watchers again and I’m going to quit again. The last time. If you want to find me on MFP I’m here. This first week, wouldn’t you know it, I’ve gained 700g. Now I know exactly what to work on. Next week will be different.