Tag Archives: Acceptance

Letting Go

Posted on by Renée
2

So that stuff at work that is going on? I’ve decided to let go of the stress that I’m allowing to take over my normal workday.

There are still things that are going on and decisions waiting to be made but clearly *I* have no influence over those things. So it’s time to let go.

By letting go that means I’m going to be more focusing on my work, my team and my goals. Let’s let the chips land where they may, whenever they are going to land.

With that, let’s move on to some cooler stuff!

It’s DECEMBER!!! WHAT THE ACTUAL BLEEP???? How did this happen??? I wasn’t quite ready for this month yet!

The last few months have been a whirlwind. It pretty much started with my birthday, my trip to Cornwall, my trip to Baltimore, a concert (hey I’m old, this is a big deal now), volunteering at the Amsterdam Marathon, and a quick trip to Brussels. There was also a weekend away in the Veluwe, some massive stress at work, and a 15K that I’d been looking forward to since the first time I did it in 2010!

I haven’t touched on the Marathon volunteering yet – Hubs and I actually signed up for this some months ago, just to see what it was like to be on the other side. I was a part of the starting corral team, in charge of the last corral. We had to try and get people to their correct starting areas but it was amazing how many questions we got as well, including “have you got any safety pins?” “which bus goes downtown?” “where do I leave my stuff?” “have you seen my uncle? we can’t reach him on the phone.” (really) Oh and we were on the Half-Marathon bit of the Marathon. My friend and colleague P was running and I saw another colleague as well as an Expat I know in Amsterdam. Pretty amazing to run into people you know where there are 40,000 participants in total!

We had to hang out for quite some time after the race started and afterwards I was certainly lucky that I have been doing a lot of strength training at the gym – our next task was to break down all the barriers at the start and finish areas of the race, including the entire section around the Olympic stadium. Oh my arms!!! P waited for us to finish up and then we went to celebrate with her by having a few beers and some grub that you don’t generally eat when being quite particular on a certain diet *winks* Conclusion on volunteering: It’s ok. Not sure I would do it again. Depends on the task.

watching the runners coming into the Olympic Stadium in Amsterdam was inspiring and awesome!!

hey, you get a free jacket and tee shirt out of the deal, why not volunteer?

PP ready to kick some HM a$$

I also made a very quick trip down to Brussels; my friend Dave had exactly 48 hours on this side of the world and his main purpose (besides getting to hang with two gorgeous ladies) was to visit the Hard Rock Cafe in Brussels. You see, Dave has a thing for HRC. And I can’t say I blame him because I do love to go to HRC much much more now that I’m out of the US than when I was living in the US. This is probably because it does remind me a bit of home but also I’m a sucker for music and nostalgia. Dave’s been to like 1 billion HRC’s in the world and I’m sure he’s not done yet. I missed Dave the last time he was in Amsterdam (I was in Milan) so I had to go, there was no way I was going to miss him again!

it was a cold but absolutely stunning fall day in Brussels!

pinky and dave together again!

one of my favouritest people in the world – Y! aka the DutchBitch

look at that glorious sky!

Next post I will share some good stuff that happened in November – my little weekend away with the hubs just 25 KM from home and my 15K that I ran with my running hero M (he took the place of Hubs, since hubs wasn’t able to participate).

I still have quite some things to update, but let’s leave it at this and hopefully I’ll be back in the swing of blogging again!

Have you had a crazy period recently behind you? How did you cope? What do you have going on this month, besides the holidays?

Week in Review:: Stop the World I want to get off Edition

Posted on by Renée
6

Another week in review and to be quite honest with you it was almost the same as the last.

Busy, hectic, too much to do, too tired, too packed full of stuff.

In fact if I think about it now I have no idea what even happened two days ago let alone a whole week.

I do know there was no running (but the bag is packed to run at lunch tomorrow).

There was no gym.

There was somewhat of an attempt to do my body weight exercises.

There was less planning and too much random eating.

Friday I worked at one of our stores so I was not really in a position to have my regular food and snacks and Friday night was our company Holiday Party… there were *some* alcoholic beverages comsumed (and quite a bit of dancing, yay!) Saturday I was a wreck though (I’m not good with drinking much anymore… could be a good thing right?) so I didn’t eat or drink well and on top of that I had plans to go out with my friend M, meaning more food and drink was involved.

You know I don’t think the holidays should be a time when you say “screw it” and eat everything that isn’t nailed down, but it is a special time of year and very often you end up presented with food and drink that you normally wouldn’t have during “normal” times of the year. While I think my brain still wants to hang on to that a little bit (enter the panicking about food/weight Pinky), part of me feels really free. You know, I feel quite good. Healthy. I was looking at my body a bit the other day (which to be honest I don’t do much and maybe I should because it’s not exactly BAD…) and I thought “damn. for a 43 year old you really aren’t looking bad at all”. I bought this cute dress for the holiday party and it fit perfectly and I just thought “yeah! being this size/weight isn’t really bad!”

So yeah. Not the best example in the world, but I’m an honest example. It’s the holidays. Enjoy being with the people you love and if there is food or drink involved just use your head. You know, enjoy. Be present. Make memories. It’s nice and something to treasure. Nobody wants to sit around and pick at all the things they did “wrong” (ie what they ate and drank… people, life is too short!), pick at the things you did right!

I was in situations quite often this past week where I was late going home and hungry so I tried a few things I hadn’t had before:

Have you Had these?

I think these were 140 cals for two biscuits

Fruit Bites - Tasty, 90 cals but downside made from concentrate

I was in a BTL Chat about a week+ ago and we were talking about tips and tricks… one of my favourite tips is… if you are eating pasta with meat/tomato sauce, have less pasta and bulk it up with broccoli.

100g Kamut Pasta with 150g steamed broccoli

mmmm mmmmm leftover homemade (lean) meat and tomato sauce courtesy of the Hubs

Also I have a twitter friend who has a cook book shop in town and she actually blogs here (in Dutch); she has some great recipes that she shares but this past week she made what sounds to be like a very simple but amazingly delicious mandarin cake… she saved me a piece so on Thursday I went by…What a treat!!

mandarin cake courtesy of Riejanne S.

I love to support local businesses and I wish you all lived close to me so you could visit her shop!

One of my favourite things this week? Homemade cappuccino. Yes I’m back to making them again at home.

foamy milk and creamy espresso

A Perfect Beverage

Plans this week:
Monday – dinner with friends (and looks like I’ll finally be meeting Penny!!! YAY!) packing my bag to run at lunch time.
Tuesday – recover from Monday, make sure I make my lists for food we need over the holiday
Wednesday – I may again run at lunchtime; driving the car because I need to bring some stuff home from work, don’t want to be stuck in Traffic
Thursday – meeting up with my friend P after work. Last minute shopping?
Friday – am supposed to work in another store of ours. don’t know if I’ll make it.
Saturday – last minute (food) shopping, making cookies for the Hubs Santa Claus.
Sunday – CHRISTMAS! Whoo!

Calgon, take me away!

How was your week? How do you feel about all of the busyness and food and drink this time of year?

Week In Review:: 13 Nov – 20 Nov

Posted on by Renée
8

Reflections this week

Right. Let’s just get it out there. I have an important announcement to make.

I am no longer on a mission to lose weight.

Nope. I’m fine the way I am.

I’m not going to write about how much I gained or lost or maintained yet again because let’s face it, it makes me totally unhappy and what is the point of doing something continually when it just makes you mental and totally unhappy?

So, I’m done.

What does that mean, exactly, you are asking yourself? She is QUITTING?

No. There is nothing to quit. I just am no longer focusing on the scale numbers. I’m going to continue what I’m doing now because it works as far as 1) not eating too many calories goes and 2) what and when I’m eating is keeping me from being ravenous. From now on I’m all about healthy food, living life and staying fit. I’m also going to continue running and working out at the gym. I’m going to stay active. So you see? I’m not quitting anything. Weight loss simply is not the goal anymore.

I’ve had several comments that I’ve taken to heart in the past week and my husband has also mentioned several times that it’s time to start living and I am fully on board now. You all are right. It’s time to let go.

So that’s out of the way. Moving right along…

This week was good, bad and then good again. I planned, I cooked, I prepared, but I had a few off days where I felt like complete crap. As I mentioned here I basically took a quick downward spiral and felt myself saying SCREW THIS yet again because of the damn number on the scale. After a couple of days, I picked myself up again and I’ve ended on a high note with a brilliant run today.

As far as fitness goes:

Thursday I ran – 6.35 KM / 10 min walking then 10 min running + 2 walking x 3
Saturday to the gym, first biking, then gym, then a long loop back for a total of almost 12KM
Today an awesome run of 8KM/ 1KM walking, 6.5KM running, 500m walking (then unofficially walking a bit more home)

The run today in particular gave me such an amazing feeling! Running pain free is SO AMAZING!! And for some reason I feel like I’m running differently now. It’s hard to explain but I’m more upright, more confident, more fluid, if that makes any sense? It feels more natural for some reason. Maybe simply because I have been struggling for so long WITH PAIN that I was too rigid in how I was holding myself. I don’t know … whatever it is, I feel great and I’m really looking forward to Egmond aan Zee Quarter Marathon on 8 January!!

I want to sign up to do about a million races at this point, but I know I need to not get ahead of myself. I just know now more than ever, I’m a runner, this is what I do and THIS is what makes me happy!

Damage. Control.

Posted on by Renée
3

One of the things I decided on Sunday was that I was going to stay in control this week. I think something that I’ve lost control of a long time ago is my belief in myself. It sounds strange maybe, but when you “do everything” possible to see the scale move downwards and it doesn’t happen for two years on you come to realize that maybe, just maybe… you aren’t doing “everything”…

Let me explain.

I really think that day after day, month after month, it’s so easy to just become so complacent about the situation. I mean I’m not losing anyway, so why not have a piece of chocolate cake at work? Or hey there’s extra dinner left, I’ll just have a second helping. It can’t be *that* much right… Hmmmm, that looks like 50g of cheese I just dumped on top of my pasta, even though it slightly resembles Chamonix… it can’t possibly be over my daily intake goal.

I’ve tried so hard to accept. Acceptance is so important, right?

But actually trying is important too.

I mean like really trying. Like being honest. Like really NOT dipping into the candy jar at work. Like really, really, really being in control.
I’m not saying that I haven’t been honest. I’ve been logging and tracking and being perfectly honest about what I’m eating. I’m not lying to you or anyone else including myself. BUT. I’m NOT being honest if I say I’m doing “everything” I can to lose weight when clearly that’s not true. Eating junk or saying f*ck it once I’ve dipped into said candy jar is not doing “everything” I can to lose weight. Drinking too much alcohol is NOT doing “everything” I can to lose weight.

So time to stop the damage. Time to be in control.

This week I just want to be in control. Every day I want to do what it takes to stay in control. I’ve got this negative self-talk in my head that says “see? You’re never really going to do this, are you?” I need to put an end to that voice. Can you imagine if I had a friend who spoke to me like this, for real? Would I really hang out with her for long? No! That’s not a good friend! It’s time to be my own best friend! To treat myself the way I treat others!

So tonight after work I was meeting up with a friend of a friend who is in the Netherlands for a few weeks – I knew we only had a few hours together so we were most likely just going for a drink – I literally saved my “spare” calories from yesterday to take care of today. I know before I went out I had a little over 600 cals left for dinner, I bought a salad to eat on the way home which was 520 cals and I had two beers worth around 320 cals total which puts me over for the day, but still fine for the week.

I just want to say, on my way back from the bar walking to the station I saw and had about 30 milliseconds of thought to: McDonald’s, 3 pizza places, fries, a falafel bar, KFC (and ugh, no, never! Remind me to tell you the salmonella story one day) and several different dutch snack bars… this is what I mean… just because I have two beers DOESN’T MEAN I HAVE TO JUST UNDO ALL OF MY HARD WORK! I focused. I walked to the station. I picked up my salad. I got on the train.

So I stopped the damage. And I stayed in control.

And I’m going to do it all over again tomorrow.

Quit What?

Posted on by Renée
4

I really wanted to start writing more often and had visions of brilliant prose flowing from my brain to my fingers on a regular basis. The reality is, I haven’t got a lot to say, and even when I try to think of things to say, it’s a lot of the same stuff over and over. I feel slightly cynical, negative even and have already “lost” many people along the way because they either have nothing to add or comment upon, can’t help me or are tired of my whinging (fair enough).

I’ve thought about “quitting” many, many, many times. I mean really, who am I kidding here? Twenty-One months with hardly any change, who wouldn’t quit by now?

Then I wondered what quitting would mean.

I mean, if I have maintained for this long wouldn’t that actually mean that the “lifestyle change” has taken place? People talk about it yet you hear about the struggles they have in between. Falling off the wagon. Having binges. Constantly having to start over again.

I don’t have a wagon to fall off. I do what I do and for the most part I like it. I actually prefer eating healthy over eating crap. That’s not to say that I’d say no to pizza occasionally but why should I? Where’s enjoyment in life if you can’t occasionally eat and drink something that you love? What about just having a balance?

You know when I have “binges”? When I’m stressed and I start in on the candy jar at work. Or when I’m really, really hungry (like the five eierkoeken I ate two weeks ago and then threw the rest away). I don’t even binge. I don’t eat entire jars of peanut butter anymore. I can have a package of hummous last me a week. I don’t really “get” why it’s so hard to not binge or what it means to have cravings. For the love of Pete I don’t even get bloody cravings! I can be sympathetic to those struggling, but I don’t really relate, if you know what I mean?

I do feel like I’m constantly starting over again but maybe that’s because I’m too focused on this stupid number on the scale. And I’m too involved in weight loss communities, I read blogs, and many women (and some men) around me are obsessed about their weight. Wouldn’t it be great if it were no longer an issue and we could just go on with our day and lives without wondering how many calories something has in it or how that skinny person over there is eating crackers and cottage cheese no wonder I’m fat with my grilled cheese sandwich on my plate? I enjoy being able to track at MFP but I look at some food diaries and I wonder how do they eat so little? Aren’t they starving? And I question myself and berate myself for not being able to “do better”. It’s crazy though, don’t we all have different needs?

So if I have already gone through the change (the lifestyle change, not menopause ha!) , I suppose that means I can’t quit. I mean, what would I do? Go back to eating shit all the time? Overeat and not be careful about how I fuel my body? How would I run properly if I don’t fuel properly?

This isn’t a weight loss “journey”. This is just life. This is my life. I’m perfect the way I am with ALL of my imperfections. I wish I could get over what everyone else is doing or saying or eating. No one has the body I have. No one can really say that what worked for them would work for me. Clearly I am a unique snowflake over here. I keep talking about acceptance and I wonder, how would I be if I had a debilitating disease? Or I couldn’t walk anymore? Wouldn’t that be HARDER to accept than just being slightly overweight? If this is how it is, then I would gladly take this over illness.

I still wish I could report in with what a great week I had (I didn’t) and that the scale is moving in the right direction (it isn’t). I wish I felt more positive, better about everything (I don’t), that I could move and inspire you to also keep going. This is probably more about survival than anything else. I can’t go back, BUT I could just stay right where I am and be ok with that.

If you guys have any tips on doing so, please let me know.

I just wanna know

Posted on by Renée
6

is this what it’s going to be like?

are there no others out there who share my experience?

I mean, you read and hear all of those people who for example:
1) started running and shed loads of unwanted lardy pounds
2) ate low carb/ joined Weight Watchers/ did calorie counting / shakes/ other diets and shed loads of unwanted lardy pounds
3) found they “just didn’t have much of an appetite anymore” after shedding loads of unwanted lardy pounds.

Me? I lost some weight after I started running.

I lost weight with Weight Watchers, for sure.

But.

Everything stopped. Everything. No more weight loss (I started running at 95KG, goal was 70, I’ve not moved below 79). ProPoints didn’t work at all once I made the switch and I tried people. I tried.

I’m seriously having a constant battle with myself. Every day I wake up and I think “I can do this today.” Some days I do. In fact, the last time I weighed in at My Fitness Pal I actually was down to 80.9KG. So, this calorie counting shindig seems to be going all right. Just one little thing though… or maybe two…

I am hungry. This is not the first time you’ve heard this from me. I AM HUNGRY.
Every time I weigh-in (which is NOT weekly) I completely overeat that day. I am trying to find a weigh-in day where there is no risk of being carted away by colleagues for beers or bitterballen. Friday is NOT a good day to weigh in.

Oh? What’s that you say? You shouldn’t be hungry. You should plan for these things. Exercise and use those calories to combat any need for extras. You should eat more protein. Complex Carbs. Fill up on veggies. Get your fibre in. Drink tea and lots of water! Get your good fats. Stay away from processed foods.

Anyway. Last week I weighed in and saw that number 80 again. OK, 80.9, fine. That evening I had beers and bitterballen, on Saturday I had a wine tour and tasting arranged with friends (you don’t want to know how many glasses), dinner out with half of those friends (you don’t want to know what was consumed), Sunday was supposed to be my bike ride to work off all of my sins yet it was “about to rain” any minute (I finally went for 1 hour/ 15KM), then more feasting on beer, wine, pizza and ice cream.

No, not every weekend is like that.

Yesterday I was eating for my countrymen.

Today, I am just empty. Hungry.

I have tried everything! (or have I?) I can’t run. I’m hungry (sorry, am I repeating myself). There’s no loss of appetite. My sins are only alcohol and normally only on the weekends. I admit it, I’m not making excuses or trying to say I’m perfect. I don’t eat junk (*there are emotional moments, I attempt to log everything on MFP*), refined sugars, simple carbs, MSG, etc. I eat well. Really well.

Do I just accept this is the way it’s going to be now?

Part I:: What to do when you can’t do what you do

Posted on by Renée
4

Shhhh. Did you hear that?

Wait, there it is again!

Crickets! That’s right, crickets!

It’s been awfully quiet around here. I didn’t mean for it to be like this but the truth is a lot has been going on, and sometimes nothing has been going on and well other things were taking the focus.

The last time I posted was June 5th. June 5th! It’s now July 13th. I started writing a post a few weeks ago and never completed it. While I know this is my blog and it should be for me blah blah blah it’s kind of disheartening to know that this little place on the interwebz is never really going to be that awesome sort of little place that people like to visit and interact. So, there, I said it. It’s fine. Moving right along.

After my semi-pathetic Half Marathon in April (yes I know, “get over it”) I really was having a lot of problems with my left knee. In fact before the Half; every time I would train for more than an hour it would really hurt and hurt for days afterwards. I didn’t train well for the Half and there were two main reasons for that 1) time and 2) my knee. I learned valuable lessons from the experience so I wouldn’t trade it or not do it if I could do it all over again (I would do it differently of course).

Once that was over and I was trying to get over the result, I started cycling a bit more. Mostly commuting but occasionally I’d go further or longer or purposely set out on a specific route – something to do that was physical, enjoyable and not hard on my knees. I had a few races planned; one I dropped out of (the Zuidas) and one I participated in on June 19th, the Adidas Ladies Run.

A few days before the run I had a running group (work team) session with our trainer – my knee was killing me. In fact I was talking to my trainer and the combination of my knee, her asking me about the Half, and the upcoming race had me in tears. She was so sweet – she sent me a pep talk email a day later and told me most importantly to stop being so hard on myself.

On the 19th, I had my regular race day routine, got ready, ate, and so forth and drove to Rotterdam with my support crew (Hubs and M), but I was feeling a bit nervous. Not for the 10K. Not for the race itself. Mostly about my knee.

To cut a long story short, the race was good. I felt good for 90%. My knee hurt from the start all the way to the finish. I probably shouldn’t have run on it but I did. It was raining but it didn’t bother me, I felt like I was running a good race. When I finally crossed the line, I wanted to burst out into tears – my knee hurt so bad, yet I just ran just less than 1 minute faster than my fastest 10K in February at Groet aan Schoorl. I knew that 10K was really going to be my distance, something I could really work towards getting faster, stronger. I couldn’t WAIT to do my next 10K and start training for the 16K in September (Dam to Damloop) and the 15K in November, maybe even find one or two more for before the end of the year.

Reality is that after that race I had to go to the physiotherapist. The pain was just too much. After checking me out and doing a few physical tests the verdict was in: No Running for 3 – 6 months.

Running is my therapy. It’s what clears my mind. It makes me feel like I can actually accomplish something (this is pretty all-encompassing when you are a person who can be happy and accept their life 90% of the time, there is still 10% that feels like there is a lot of failure), It makes me feel strong, confident. If I can’t run, what CAN I do?

Stay tuned for Part II.

Mental

Posted on by Renée
8

My brain is against me lately.

Not just with regards to my body, with everything. It was an emotional week for me to say the least. I was headhunted again and this time for a company very close to where I am living now. But after a lot of thought and consideration, leaving the company I am at now is, in my opinion, worse than my commute of four hours a week. So once again I then had discussions with my husband about the possibilities of moving and rethinking about the reasons why we weren’t able to move before (which will probably be the reason why we still won’t be able to – and it’s purely financial). I had a lot of discussions about it, cried quite a few tears and felt generally down and confused about my life in general.

With regards to my body, it’s a constant battle. I’ve had to accept that I’m not going to lose weight and move on, eating and behaving like a person who actually cares about health and fitness, not weight. That’s the least difficult of all of this. I know how to eat. I know how to move. I even amazingly have learned how to say “no thanks” or even know when to stop.

But “feeling” my body – I don’t like it. I don’t like how it feels when I’m running for example. There’s a heaviness that holds me back, this proverbial spare tire (which mine is like one of those Monster Truck wheels it seems) that is always there, feeling heavy, jiggling about.

It’s the feeling when I put on my new jeans which are too big in the waist just so they fit the hips and bum

Last week I even started out Monday morning by declaring to my husband that I was just going to have liposuction/sculpture. Trust me, I’m the last person to go for a “quick fix” but this is how desperate I feel at times.

This is just it.

And I’ll never be better. I’ll never be faster. I’ll never be able to run without feeling the heaviness.

I mean, yes, this is a luxury problem. Some people can’t even walk, let alone run. I don’t need to be faster or better, it’s not a requirement to just get out there and do it. My brain wants me to do more, better, faster.

My brain is busy telling me over and over again “you’ll never be any better than this” “why even bother?” “you are going to fail” “you could never run a marathon” “that was stupid, signing up for a half-marathon”

I don’t know where this is coming from. Do I really believe so little in myself? I guess if I fail in the weight loss department, what makes me think that I could succeed in any other area.

Yesterday I knew I needed to go out and get around 16KM since I haven’t really trained according to schedule for the Half-Marathon taking place on April 25th, but the thought of getting out there was driving me completely insane. Like, to the point where I would have rather just curled up in a ball and cried. First I struggled with finding a route (because I didn’t want to get bored with the same routine), then I struggled getting dressed, then I struggled just leaving the house, then I arrived at my destination ready to face it only suddenly I had a full bladder. Then I had to get back in the car and find somewhere to use the facilities. Finally at 4pm I started.

About 8 kilometers in, my brain started to turn on me again. “You are never going to make 16KM today” “you should drop out of the half-marathon, you’ll never manage it” “that was stupid to even think you could accomplish this today”.

And I’m yelling at myself to shut up. That I CAN do it. I just have to keep going. I just have to make it to that next tree/ km marker/ bend in the path. There was a lot of arguing going on.

Ultimately I gave in to the voice. I stopped at nearly 13KM but I still had to walk the rest of the way back. Feeling defeated.

Sometimes I really wonder why I do this. I mean there are days I absolutely love it. Days I don’t care about the chubbiness. Days I don’t care about speed or distance. Days I’m inspired by others to get out there and just do it. I know it makes me feel good and like I accomplished something. But there are other days when I wish I never started this running thing. I was unhappy with myself before I started, but I don’t feel super happy right now either.

I just wish it were easier to fully accept myself the way I am, embrace it and run like it didn’t matter.

***************************

The Diet Mentality

Posted on by Renée
20

Disclaimer: This is not a happy post, but rather a bitter one. It’s something I realized, while I was on holiday in the States, that I am still completely brainwashed from following Weight Watchers for so long. I know the program does work for most people, and it even worked for me a long time ago when my circumstances were different. Quitting WW has not been the liberating experience that I thought it would be. It’s sort of like breaking up with someone you’ve had a relationship with for a long time; you know ultimately they are not right for you, but it’s incredibly painful and the thought of living without them really scares you. Ultimately you have to do the right thing and walk away. That doesn’t stop the pain but you generally learn something in the process. If you are following the program and you’ve had success, I am truly happy for you, however, that doesn’t mean I think you are exempt from what I believe.

***********
As you all know, I’ve been on this weight loss thang for a long time now (ok, maybe you don’t know, but now I’m telling you). I have never, ever been on a “diet” per se, because I don’t believe in “diets”, but I have been a Weight Watcher on and off for a very long time (the first time I joined was in 1992). From my experience Weight Watcher members have always claimed that what they were doing was “changing lifestyle” or simply having a different “way of life” that we were not in fact dieting at all. “Dieting” meant a short-term solution to the problem – whether it be calorie-counting, South Beaching, Atkinsing, Low GI, Jenny Craig, you name it, those things are “diets” and therefore NOT sustainable for the long term. I mean who can live the rest of their life without bread or pasta, right?

Dieting meant something negative, it meant restricting yourself, punishing yourself almost, due to the fact that you were whatever version of Fatass that you believed yourself to be. Dieting could mean fasting, or going very low calorie, or even using pills to shed the unwanted lard from your body. Dieting was what you had to do to get into those jeans again, to go to that 20 year reunion, or to get naked in front of a member of the opposite (or hey for some people the same) sex again. Dieting was a means to an end but not, my friends, a “way of life”.

My experience as a Weight Watchers Member made me better than “those people” because this was the way I was going to live for the rest of my life and see how great it works? Totally sustainable! I was totally smug to you “dieters” out there.

So now I’ve quit Weight Watchers. And yet I am totally programmed, as if I am on a diet. How many points in this, what is a serving of that, which one is the better choice, how many pieces of fruit should I eat, ohmygod I had too much rice now I have to exercise for an hour to earn activity points.

Weight Watchers is ACTUALLY part of the diet mentality. Weigh-ins, measurements, food scales, control, loss of control, disappointment, unhappiness, holding back on “real life” until… until … until… I finally get to size X or weight Z.

I am still thinking of this shit every single day. That’s the diet mentality.If it WASN’T the diet mentality, I could have just quit Weight Watchers and moved on with my life, but my reality is totally opposite.

Every single day – did I eat too much? Ohmygod the scale went up again. Jeeze I haven’t moved enough today. I shouldn’t have had that (fill in the blank). I’m never going to be at my goal weight again. I’m so fat. I’m such a failure. I hate my body and it hates me.

You think that because you are “changing lifestyle” that you are NOT part of the diet mentality? You are. Until you truly accept you for who you are RIGHT THIS VERY MINUTE you will be a part of it. You are a part of it every time you compare, every time you weigh your food, every time you add up calories, every time you calculate ProPoints (or PointsPlus), every time you restrict yourself, every challenge you join, every new idea (or old idea) you buy into. Weight Watchers is the Diet Mentality as well. I was wrong. I am sorry I was so smug to all of you Non Weight Watchers out there, I am totally programmed and even though I’ve let go of the rope I keep thinking this way.

I am certain many people out there could be offended by what I am saying now. I think many people still believe that Weight Watchers is truly different. You’ve had success, you may even be a lifetime member (well, hey, so am I), you worked hard for where you are at, surely I must still be doing something wrong, clearly I am not working the program properly and now clearly I’m looking for someone or something to blame. But no, I’m not. I have just come to realize that I bought into it. I believed in it. At the end of the day it didn’t work. What am I left with? The reminder of all the stuff I “learned”, all the tricks, all the tips I followed and am thousands of euros poorer because of my belief in a program that at the end of it all really didn’t care whether I stayed or quit.

I spent years counting, weighing, measuring. Some days were great, some days turned into weeks and months. Success was MINE! Some days sucked. Some days I couldn’t eat enough. Sometimes I just had too much. Some days I cared and some I didn’t. Some days I really believed I could do this forever. But honestly, who can count points forever? It sucks thinking about it, it sucks tracking it, it sucks when you do everything in your fricking power and the mechanical beast tells you that you actually suck and you are even heavier than you were last week. I spent years being pulled in by the charms to ultimately get a slap in my face when I wanted to walk away. “Go ahead. Walk away. We don’t need you anyway” Years of my life in this DIET MENTALITY. I thought it would be easy to just quit. Seems it’s actually going to be more difficult to step away than I had originally thought.

**********

Limbo

Posted on by Renée
7

I knew I hadn’t written for a while, but I didn’t actually realise just how long until this weekend. I tried to write on the weekend, and now I’m glad I didn’t publish, because, well, it’s not completely what I wanted to say.

I’m not even totally sure what I want to say now.

I’m totally and completely in limbo at the moment.

I’m officially not following Weight Watchers anymore. In fact 5 minutes ago I pressed the button to cancel my membership completely. The one thing that I need to do and have needed to do for months and months now is accept my body the way it is, exactly as it is.

So. No dieting. No counting points. No trying to reach daily limits. It’s all over.

Now what do I do?

I feel lost. I feel stuck somewhere in the middle. I don’t fit into any group now. I want to be excited for friends having success but I can’t help but have a twinge of envy. And don’t think I don’t know that envy is no good for me, I know this, but honestly I’m still a little bitter.

And through all of this, I’m bitter that people I thought were more than just an online contact have dropped me in the mean time, a time when I actually needed support the most. I have been told more than several times to just “get over it” and “don’t take it personally” and actually saying these things don’t help me get over it at all, it makes it worse! We are all different and we all react differently to things. The fact remains that my reaction is taking it personally (not everyone, only specifically a couple of people), and I am not going to apologize for that or pretend like I’m not bothered.

So, I’ve got no new goals. No new plans. I am feeling quite blase about everything. I’m still trying to get my activity in more regularly, but I haven’t even really bothered to stick to a running plan, nor have I gone to the gym. I’m maintaining my weight so clearly I have learned something in this whole eating / Weight Watchers process. I’m just not excited. I guess that means the next thing I need to do for myself is create my own excitement to really move forward.

That’s it. I wish I had something more, but that’s it.