Category Archives: Mind

Another Week Down

Posted on by Renée
12

What a week!
What a weekend!

Where do I even start? Everything about my life seems like such a blur at times. I know. It’s getting boring. I’m saying the same things over and over.

So I’m still off and feeling a bit discombobulated. I’m not eating well (still) but I’m not eating completely off the rails either.

What I wanted to do was start over again, fresh. Be more aware of my diet and do my best to stay within those so-called calorie guidelines. I made a HUGE effort. For three days. Three. Well, it seemed huge at the time.

So last year I was fighting my way to get under 80KG and I did it, I lost a couple of kilos and thought “never again” – but I’ve said those words before (when I lost 30 KG a long time ago and gained it all back anyway) and here I am, weighing in again at 81.6KG (Tuesday’s weight).

I want to say something right here, right now though… the number on the scale is such a tiny factor in my life now. I’m happy about that. Yes I would like to lose weight but it’s just not as important as everything else.

Anyway.

So Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday were in line with calorie goals and I even went to the gym twice. I logged everything. But yeah, I wouldn’t be honest with you if I were to not tell you that I’m simply bored with all of that calorie counting stuff. I’m not saying one shouldn’t count calories. I’m not saying that one shouldn’t use a program like Weight Watchers to help them along. What I am saying, for ME, MY opinion, MY life, I’m just bored, bored, bored. Paleo. Not Paleo. Carbs. No Carbs. How many calories? How many did I burn? How many steps did I take? Oh bloody hell enough already. This is what people who don’t worry about their weight , who don’t care who aren’t obsessed about their weight think when they hear all of us unfortunates rambling on and on about weight loss, calories in and out, etc. Enough already.

Don’t get me wrong. What I’m just trying to say is, there must be some point where we just stop this madness, right? Where it’s just natural? Where we just grab a bowl of yoghurt and cereal and it’s not 7x the normal portion for both, that it’s just “right”? That stopping when full is just what you do? I am at that point. I want to just “be”, naturally.

And maybe I’m just supposed to be somewhere hovering around 80KG and who gives a flying backend of a rat if the charts tell me I’m overweight?

The fact is, I’m a very healthy and fit Forty-four year old. I’m probably fitter than I was when I was Thirty-four. Or maybe not. But it doesn’t matter. I’m ok. I’m good even.

All right. Let me show you something. This means more to me than the scale number:

my "painting" jeans

my “painting” jeans

About 6 years ago we painted our apartment for the last time, that is until last week when we redid the hallways. I went to put on my painting clothes but there was no way I was going to paint in these pants! In fact, they didn’t even stay up longer than about 5 minutes. I had to wear an older pair of sweat pants instead.

And these jeans were also already smaller than my biggest jeans ever (a size up – these are 18W’s for reference). Clearly I was still in an ok place as far as my weight goes.

Unfortunately I have to remain cognizant of my choices and remember that eating crunchy veggies and fruit is always going to be a better choice than crisps or sticking my head in the candy jar at work, but isn’t that logical anyway?

Moving on

This weekend was fabulous. Saturday I was in Rotterdam for a surprise birthday party for my friend Tammy which in and of itself was amazing. On top of that I also got to see friends I haven’t seen in person for so long and it was just truly wonderful to be surrounded by that friendship. She’s been going through a really rough time with infertility so I hope that we lifted her spirits enough to keep her going for a little while longer while she and her husband continue treatments.

Yesterday I was in Amsterdam for the Nike Ladies We Own the Night 10K, originally planned with my friend Patricia, who is my running partner these days (next weekend as well on the Colour Run)

PP and PP at WOTN

and ended up that my friend Lisa was also running and her very first 10K!! She’s been working very hard at weight loss and recently picked up running so this was an amazing experience for her! Joanna was also there and as usual we only managed to meet up somewhere around 3K on the course! For once we also caught each other afterwards as well!

I liked the course a lot but I have three complaints to the organisation:

1) No real food and drink available for the supporters – hubs and P’s boyfriend basically had no dinner because there was nothing available once we got started. even the bar shut down at 9pm.
2) The catwalk into the Westergasfabriek was a great idea but not executed well. As many of us came speeding around the corner to the finish we had to stop abruptly once entering the building. This isn’t a good way to run. There was a total bottle neck and took an additional 10-15 minutes to get down to the stage to receive our “bling”
3) speaking of “bling” – really Nike? A string? a string bracelet in the packet and then another at the end? Surely you could do better than that (seriously, folks, not even worth photographing)

I did the race for fun, and my Garmin told me it was 9.83KM and not 10KM but here’s the official results:
nike 10k

Afterwards it took forever but we finally had the beloved beer and fries afterwards and made it home around 2am. Yawn. Thank dog we didn’t work today!

We also went to visit friends today – he is also a runner and was originally supposed to run with Hubs today (apparently he messed up his back and Hubs is in pain still from his accidental Half Marathon last week… brought to him by a terrible sense of direction) and she is a fellow expat whom I met through Tammy. It was night to just hang out and chat and drink coffee.

Reality is upon me. It’s 9pm and there are dishes to be done and laundry to be put away. As per usual I’m putting off the inevitable by writing a blog post instead. I still have no plan for next week. No food ideas (fresh out). Well, guess it’s another 5am start then to whip up some healthy meals for tomorrow at least!

Are you burnt on on calorie counting? fresh out of food ideas? struggling for a real training plan? Please tell me I’m not alone!!

Week 4 Half Marathon Update

Posted on by Renée
3

It was am incredibly stressful week last week. In my head I knew it would probably be like that, knowing that it was my last week before holiday (yay!) but I also knew I needed to go to the doctor care of some female stuff (don’t worry, everything is fine and I won’t go into detail) and that maybe I wouldn’t be feeling great but I really hoped going into the week I would still be able to do my runs and my cross training.

Well, sometimes we have to just accept what our bodies will or will not do and not get too wrapped up into thinking you’ve failed. Monday I was absolutely exhausted already and my body and brain were not having anything to do with a fartlek training session. I did try but I probably only ran maximum 20 minutes on the treadmill. It just wasn’t happening. I struggled to push myself past thinking what a failure I was but eventually I just let it go. Thankfully my husband was with me to remind me that even great athletes have bad days, but it doesn’t mean suddenly they are no longer athletes.

On Tuesday I had my doctor appointment and let’s just say I felt pretty bad physically. There was no way I was going to make my Les Mills GRIT class that evening.

Wednesday morning I decided I was going to try again. So I packed my bag for the gym in the morning , ready for another treadmill run. I also decided I was going to skip the fartlek training all together and move on to the next training run which was 65 min at D1 and 10 min at D2. This actually went quite well once I got started (seriously I really never thought I would enjoy the treadmill as much as I am lately!!).

Thursday the plan was to run at lunch with a colleague and the weather was not in our favour but we brought our stuff anyway. About 15 minutes before we were supposed to head out it started sleeting. We were supposed to do 6km (PP and I have a similar average pace) and to be perfectly honest I’m still amazed we did anything at all! The sleet combined with the wind was like little razors against our faces! In the end we did 5K which was a total win in my book!

Friday was a rest day thankfully- I was absolutely wrecked from finishing stuff up at work and not sleeping well. I did get to sleep in a bit Saturday, thankfully, but I had a 12.5K on the schedule and wasn’t exactly looking forward to it. Knowing that I wouldn’t get a chance to run again for a few days I finally got my head together and went out and did it. Once again, a great run once I got started. 75 minutes at D1 and 10 minutes at D2. It’s worth noting that as I was not on a treadmill it was still a challenge to do a faster continuous 10 min but I managed to stop only once and pick up again after only a few seconds. Progress!!

Week 4 was probably the hardest week so far and here I am now, blogging from my dad’s living room in Albuquerque already in Week 5. Dad’s arranged a week pass for me at his gym and I’ve gone this morning just to unstick the body and legs after 18 hours traveling. Feeling pretty good, just hanging out at home. I love it!

Week 2 – Half Marathon Training

Posted on by Renée
Reply

It was a pretty stressful week actually so training wasn’t as stellar as I would have liked… I was supposed to do 4 runs and at least 1 cross training session but I ended up with 3 runs and no cross training. In fact, I haven’t run since Wednesday!

Sunday – 11K 50 minutes D1/ 20 minutes D2. Both Hubs and I went out for this run and did it at our own pace. To be honest, it’s easy to run in D1 but that’s how I run all the time. I guess the purpose of training is to try and increase your speed and your capabilities to more than what you can do currently and this is where my brain says “Whoah!” when I try to increase. The 50 minutes were actually fine and I felt good, and don’t really need to stop and walk anymore, but the 20 minutes at a faster speed (but not that fast, if that makes sense? we are talking about 9KM per hour vs. 10KM per hour) consistently? That’s hard (in my head). Those 20 minutes didn’t really go that well, but I did try, I really did. I decided after that I need to train on a treadmill for these speed increases.

Look Hubs is sporty too!

Anyway, the 11K happened in 1 hour and 13 minutes with an average pace of 6:38 per Kilometer (around 9KM per hour). In general this IS my average pace.

Monday – 7K, 30 min D1, 15 min D2. After Sunday’s run I already knew I would be doing this at the gym on the treadmill. I did a warm up of 10 minutes and then started. It was ok. I’m not a huge fan of treadmills but I can really understand the benefit now. My average pace was 6:19 per kilometer for this run.

Tuesday – cross training. Wanted to go to GRIT even left early from work to get there and of course there were train issues so I ended up having an extra 50 minutes on my train journey. I was exhausted from work (end of the month, was up late working the night before and in the morning) and would not arrive on time for the class so decided to skip it all together. Good decision; I needed an early night in bed.

Wednesday – 4K/ 5 x 800 D2-D3, 3 min walking between each. After 2 attempts – I went out in the morning but it was raining and blowing everywhere, I was actually soaking wet within 3 minutes! Then I tried again in the afternoon and mentally was blocked – I finally went to the gym in the evening to do this on the treadmill as well. As I was working from home I would have preferred to get it over with before work but that didn’t happen. My brain was really against me. I did manage it on the treadmill, but I do find intervals very difficult. I need to do it a few times to get me over this brain block.

Thursday – 5.5K 30 min D2, 3 min D3. Didn’t do it.

Friday – rest

Saturday – rest (I did walk 5K into and around town to do “something”.

My biggest challenge here is my own head. Physically I can do this, no problem. It’s mentally. There are a lot of years’ worth of repetition in my head that I CAN’T do (fill in the blank) and I think that may be even harder to get rid of than actually running the Half itself.

If anyone knows where I can buy a big bottle of confidence, let me know.

In other news, January was a pretty active month:
Running – 82 KM
Cycling – 40.5 KM
Walking – 9KM
GRIT class – 3 times

But, of course, I lost essentially no weight (as per usual). Started the year at 79.8KG and ended it at 79.6KG. Hopefully now that I have a fitbit I can try to rectify where I may be going wrong!

Have you trained for a Half Marathon before? Did you follow a specific plan? Do you also have mental blocks? How do you get over them?

Oh Wow.

Posted on by Renée
2

It’s like a freaking ghost town in here, man

Hopi tumbleweed race

It’s already January 18th! How did this happen??

Well. I will tell you how.

New Years Came and Went. I had to work. That’s right. I work in financial admin and end of the month is end of the month. Bookkeeping stops for no man! Sure it sucks but don’t worry, blog friends, I get the time compensated. That whole festive feeling? Yeah, I didn’t quite have it.

The Holidays are busy times for all of us. Here in the Netherlands we have Sinterklaas, then Christmas, then New Years. In addition to that, my husband’s birthday is on the 12th pf January, then my stepson’s the 30th and the stepdaughters the 12th of Feb. I am broke my mid-February as you can imagine!

I was feeling pretty homesick around the beginning of December and I know it has a lot to do with wanting to see my Grandmother (she is 90, has Alzheimers and is living in a care facility near my dad), but also the holidays were kind of dramatic this year and while I won’t divulge too much, let’s just say celebrating here is more complex and, well, different than at home. And the atmosphere isn’t the same. There are no snow-capped mountains and the smell of juniper and pinon burning in neighbours’ fireplaces. There are no luminarias. No posole or bizcochitos. I know it’s not about food or lights or whatever, it’s about being with the ones you love. For me it just doesn’t work out the way I envision. No matter how I try. In any case I’ve decided next Christmas and New Year I will be in New Mexico proving most likely that the grass isn’t always greener, but, hey, I’ll get that out of my system once and for all.

Work has been stressful, even still; a lot of work to be done and not enough people. Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t travel 130KM each way to work for almost 6 years now if I didn’t love my employer and my colleagues. Add a few other dynamic elements to the mix and that led to quite a lot of stressful days, emotional reactions, and, yes… chocolate.

I ended the year just under 80 kilos – just under at 79.8 I believe – which is still a slight improvement from the year(s) before, but at some point in 2012 I saw the number 77 and remember keeping my squeals of delight to a minimum to not wake up the entire neighbourhood. I know what I’m doing wrong. I know how to stop it. I just don’t.

So here we are. January 18th, 2013. I was the cook for my husband’s birthday party last weekend which meant total control over what went into the food and let me tell you, it was a huge success. Everyone loved my no-bean hummus and veggies, my lean meatballs and falafel and very low fat garlic sauce to fill up little pita breads. You know what I did though? I forgot to eat enough and ended up with a huge hangover! I haven’t had a hangover like that for years! Running and training has sort of “wrecked” (I’m not complaining) my drinking nights and I just forgot what that old life felt like! For the first time in aaaaaaages I didn’t run on a Sunday. That didn’t feel very good at all.

Food has been a total challenge so far this month. December saw quite a few old habits rearing their ugly heads – bread, rice, cookies, cake… well you know what the holidays are like. Don’t you love that excuse? I wanted a fresh start but I’m feeling uninspired. I’m lacking that drive I normally have to do the right things, as much as possible, when it comes to food. I don’t have desire for anything so I’m just stuffing everything in. I’m still tired, sad, bored, frustrated, missing home (odd, after 18 years of living in another country), wishing I could seemingly be like all those other people in the world who can just eat and do (or do not) anything they want. Poor me. Pity Party Table for One. Preferably in the Corner, thanks.

On the other hand, fitness has been pretty good! But I believe it was Tara who said “you can’t out-exercise a bad diet”. Too right, darlin. You can’t. However, So far I’ve run 38 Kilometers and amazingly BIKED 40 Kilometers in just 18 days. Biked. In the cold and snow. AND I’ve been to the gym 3 times. I actually went to the new GRIT class -and if you know me, you know that I am deathly fearful/ intimidated by classes – I want to do more and try more and experience more this year!

Speaking of which – I have a few things lined up already:
10 MARCH – DUNEA 10K RUN in Den Haag
21 APRIL – SHERPA LADIES 10K, SPIEREN VOOR SPIEREN CITY RUN in Hilversum (did this last year with Samantha)
15 SEPTEMBER – LEONTIEN LADIES RIDE in Rotterdam. Very excited to be doing this with Penny and Tammy!

and the one I’m most preparing for right now -
Berlin Half Marathon – 7 April! I said I would never do this again but I’m going to do this again. This time not just for me, a prepared me, a me who doesn’t compare to others, but also to a cause – I’m going to be raising money for the National Epilepsy Funds here locally in the Netherlands.

Well, I say most preparing for… mentally that is… I still don’t have a real training plan but I think I better get on that ASAP!

So yeah. Being blasé about food and my diet in general needs to stop. Back to focusing again. Feels much, much better when I focus (on a side note, I *am* going home on the 17th of February for a week so I can see my grandmother!! And be home!!! Even if just a week).

Losing Steam

Posted on by Renée
12

I’m sorry I’ve been so quiet lately.

I was really working hard on my goals for October and to be honest I feel like I did pretty good, not 100% consistent, but I really worked hard to get my running and my gym time in. I didn’t log my food on MFP every day and I managed to only stick my head in the candy jar once at work this month. So honestly, I give myself credit for that, for sure.

But I’m losing steam. I am bogged down by stuff that is in my head and I’ll tell you what it is – It’s about being good enough.

I realise I’m not super open and I know I can listen very well and be supportive but I have this thing about opening up either at the wrong time or not at all.

And I’ve done this basically forever.

I’m sure I’m not the only person in the world who feels this way – basically, trying to manage my life in a balanced way means that I am always lacking in one area or another.

Like, for example, if I want to go to the gym or run (commitments to myself), it means less times with friends. There is guilt associated with that. Sometimes it’s just colleagues (but let’s not let that mean that I don’t truly them and definitely miss spending time away from work with them) but other times it’s true friends. I feel like I’m not a good enough friend. How can I be when I don’t spend enough time with them?

So then I try to spend more time with friends, and I don’t go to the gym, or I skip a run. I know, I know, it’s not the end of the freaking world, but then I feel like I failed myself again. Sure. Make sure everyone else around you is happy Pinky and don’t bother with yourself.

I make priorities and others fall by the wayside.
I don’t answer my emails from my family for weeks.
I’m lagging behind on paying bills.
I’m lagging behind on cleaning my house.
I rarely cook for my husband.
When my kids are around I’m stuffing in activities with friends or doing errands or running. So I’m a crappy stepmom as well.
I’m too tired to have any kind of alone time with my husband (yeah you know what I mean), sleep then becomes a priority, ie, crappy wife.

I am trying to push forward in so many areas in my life and work is one of them. Yet I’m dealing with delays and ambiguity and uncertainty and day after day it’s chipping away at my self-esteem.

I feel like I’M JUST NOT GOOD ENOUGH. In any area.

I am reaching for chocolates.
I’m not logging my food.
I just skipped a run for pete’s sake. Why? because I’m tired.
I’m losing steam. I feel like I can’t do this anymore. None of it. I can’t do it anymore.

I have the crappiest choice available – SUCK IT UP and carry on trying to find what works or go back to the way things were. You know, when I was smoking and drinking every night and weighed 101KG. Because yeah, I felt like I was good enough back then, for sure. *rolls eyes*

I’m frustrated. I want to have a normal life. Normal relationships. Normal spare time. Nothing in my life right now is normal.

What do you do when you really start to lose it? I feel like a broken record lately, but this is just totally messing with my head right now. I know I don’t have to be perfect, but how do I ever get closer to that balance I so desperately need?

What if there were no prize?

Posted on by Renée
14

I know what you are going to say.

“The prize is your health”
“The prize is having a long and fit life”

I know.

I really do.

But seriously some days I just think this is so hard.
All this hard work.
All the effort.
Planning, scheduling, running, racing, working out, getting fit, being involved, being the example.

It’s so fucking hard sometimes.

It feels like there’s no prize.

It’s never over. You have to keep going on and on and on and on.

You aren’t “lucky”
You have to work for it. *I* have to work for it.

There will never be one single day in my life where I won’t have to consciously make decisions about what I’m going to do, what I’m going to eat, how am I going to make a difference, today. Just today. And then do it all over again tomorrow.

There’s no prize.

“The prize is your health”

Yeah. OK. I get it.

“But you look so great!”
It’s not about looking great.
It’s not.

It’s about the fact that I can not do ANYTHING without thinking of the consequences.
How many calories?
When am I going to run?
How am I going to get a work out in?
What am I going to eat?

For “my health”

Because that’s really it. The numbers don’t change much. Clothes don’t fit right. I don’t get faster. It’s all the same.

There’s just no prize. There’s just me, currently NOT being fabulous.

Phew! I made it!

Posted on by Renée
4

It was a ROUGH week, at least from a work perspective.

It’s busy, people are still on vacation, it’s end of the month, it’s almost end of the year… there’s just a LOT going on.

I wanted more than anything to run twice and go to the gym once this week and I DID IT. So happy about this. I could tell you that it wasn’t exactly how I would have wanted or expected it to be, but actually I’m even starting to “not care” if it’s brilliant run or not, you know what I mean? It’s more like, “Did you plan it?” Yes. “Did you do it?” Yes. Good, that’s what matters.

So Tuesday as you know we ran in Sonsbeek Park. My new thing is to warm up with stairs:
steile tuin

This area of the park is called Steile Tuin which literally means “Steep Garden”. We did not run up all of these stairs, just counted up to twenty and then back down again, over and over until 10 minutes had passed.

The few times we have been at Sonsbeek we just do a walking warm up which unfortunately lands us on an uphill climb once the 5ish minutes have passed that we determined for the warm up. I don’t know about you, but I find directly running uphill to start kind of hard…

Hubs had a pain in his leg (he struggles a lot with pain various parts of his body and this weekend we got him new shoes so we are hoping that may at least make his problems less) and it was just too much after 3KM. So he stopped and I went an additional 3KM.

On Wednesday I went to the gym! YES, I WENT TO THE GYM! I haven’t been since the end of June. Seriously. I skipped July of course because I was away, but wow has it been challenging to get there in August! First I was sick and then I was just exhausted and busy at work and my head wasn’t in the right place. But I went and it felt good! Of course I am still feeling my legs and butt from those squats I did… I guess that means that it’s working right?

I also did planks (2 to be exact) at the gym – I remember my trainer “cheering” me on, that I could make 45 seconds, one minute, etc. I felt like I couldn’t but I did. So now I did them just with his voice in my head and it worked. I know these are really good for your core so I want to do them daily. Well, at least one.

On Thursday I planned with a colleague to go for a run after work. So that’s the thing – make an appointment with someone, you are not likely to cancel (making an appointment with yourself is much easier to cancel, though I don’t see why it should be!). So, 16:15 rolled around, we got changed and headed out.

This wasn’t the greatest run of my life but it didn’t matter- I’d had a REALLY stressful day and just going outside really, really helped. The temperature was PERFECT, we were in the woods, we got a little lost – hahaha! – but I had a bit of a cramp in my side (not a stitch, no idea what it was) so I had to keep stopping to just walk for a bit. We are going to run next week together too. I don’t have a lot of running partners, and I don’t mind so much to run alone, but it’s nice to have this with someone who understands mentally the need to get out and let go.

Highlight of the Week:

NOT paleo, mind you…

Hahaha! I can’t tell you how much I needed that after the week I had! We had a couple of beers at our favourite Greek restaurant and for the first time in my life took some of my dinner home because I just couldn’t finish and I didn’t want to explode by eating it all. It’s kind of tough to find places in NL that will give you a doggy bag, but Rhodos does so guess what I had for breakfast Saturday morning? Yeah, Paleo-style baby!!

Yesterday we also did some health and fitness shopping; Hubs got a new pair of running shoes (asics – after analysis and trying several different pairs), I bought a new/better pair of bike shorts (a sort of two in one so I don’t look so much like a twat – yes I said that!), some biking gloves (lost the other pair) and now I’m pretty much ready to go to Cornwall for the Cycletta Event at the Festival of Sport. I also bought some ingredients to make my own Larabars; if I’m lucky/make the time I should still be able to do that today and let you guys know how it goes.

Oh and rest assured, I finally got a new running sports bra. No more twin floppies and old lady boobs photos shall be taken of me until the NEXT time I need a new sports bra!

How was your week? Were you able to do the things you planned for yourself? Did you learn anything about yourself?

Three Years

Posted on by Renée
3

Today is my wedding anniversary. Three years ago the hubs and I got married in Las Vegas with just a few people who were able to come and join us. We didn’t officially invite loads of people on purpose. We just wanted it to be small, intimate. In fact how it turned out is that a few people from high school were able to come (I am still friends with several, mostly all orchestra or girl scout friends), a few people I’d known for years from the internet that I’d never met before (Like NakedJen) and a couple of colleagues came. All in all we were about 15 people I think. Anyway, it was brilliant :)

We went to Phoenix, to Las Vegas and then drove over to Los Angeles and it was a really great trip for us both (with the exception of the fake daggers nails that I had put on before we left the Netherlands for our trip, the Nail Girl didn’t listen to me at all when I told her SHORTER). I mean, of course it was, we got married right? :)

Leading up to the event I think I attempted to lose weight about 23 times (this after the weight loss in 1999 – 2001 with the maintenance until around 2004- 2005), but I never really committed. I was going through a LOT of “stuff” (aka shit) and not coping very well with my life. And I was eating. And drinking. And definitely not exercising. I promised myself I would not be a 100KG bride, but unfortunately I walked down the aisle anyway hovering around 95KG (because I started AGAIN in January 2009). Well, no matter, I felt pretty good, my husband looked hot and well, more importantly we were making a pretty grand commitment to EACH OTHER and that out”weighed” my KG number on the scale.

And he has never had any issue with my weight. When we met I was around 68KG. So you can imagine from 68-100 in a short amount of time I was pretty out of control, but hubs has always said I am beautiful, sexy and gorgeous (he’s a keeper for sure – but we all agree it’s not necessarily what’s on the outside, the inside counts loads, right?). There’s always that moment that you have when you say enough is enough. I’m not sure I even had that moment in January of 2009 but I know AFTER we got married I had the big moment and that was when my 40 year old friend Michael suddenly died. Michael and I had been friends since 1997 and had both been on the weight loss – weight gain roller coaster. We got on health kicks together, went to the gym together, but we also partied together, traveled together, spent holidays together, you know that kind of stuff. I didn’t have a lot of contact with Micheal in the year prior to his death – we were both pretty busy and he was kind of a loner; loved to be by himself, he was a musician constantly creating his music at home coming up with newer and fresher songs than the last, tweaking and striving for perfection. I imagine he had “let himself go” again because he suddenly had a pulmonary embolism. I know you can just be genetically disposed to something like this, but it’s also fair to say that overweight and sedentary people ARE more susceptible to this that those of us who are more fit and healthy (and not overweight).

So Hubs and I got married, me not at an ideal weight but once we came back from the States we started the C25K program. Michael died about one month later. That was the moment that I said “this really has to be my last time.” And it is.

So here we are 3 years later and I know you all have heard me whinge on and on and on about it – since March of 2009 I have lost now officially 12 KG (and 5 prior to March). I am by no means anywhere near a number goal and let’s face it, I just can’t really have a number goal anymore. It makes no sense for me to have one and it only makes me feel unhappy. But in that time I’ve run more than 1,300 Kilometers, cycled more than 1,100 Kilometers, and participated in many races from 5KM to Half Marathon and I do it (almost) every single time thanking the Universe for how lucky I am that I am alive, that my body works the way it should and that I have a husband and two great stepchildren that came with the package for love and support. Back when I lost weight before on Weight Watchers and maintained it, I didn’t really have this kind of appreciation. I didn’t think about how lucky I was that I could walk, run, swim, I just thought about how many calories I needed to burn to work off the pizza and booze I stuffed down my gullet the night before.

Attempt 3,839 April of 2008. Again from about 100 KG down to 95:

September of 2009, looks like I finally stuck with it – 85KG:

So this time IS different. This relationship I have with my hubs is different, this relationship I have with myself is different, this relationship I have with my body is different. I am so, so lucky. I am so grateful.

One of these days I’m going to also reach a number goal, but hopefully you guys will stick with me, like my husband sticks with me, while I reach a few other goals instead.

What Happens When Pinky Diets

Posted on by Renée
6

Warning: this is not going to be a positive post. This is going to be a ranting one. Feel free to completely skip it if you like. If I can’t bitch in my own blog then why pay the hosting fees, right?

I’m sitting here, it’s day 3 of the “new” diet – the one where it’s kind of paleo but it’s not? Yeah. So I’m already arguing logic points on this but whatever. Day 3 and I feel like total hell and I’ll tell you why:

1) I’m supposed to eat right when I get up. That’s fine I can eat whatever I have no issue. I’m not one of those “oooh I can’t handle anything in the morning” people. Bring it on. Any type of food. However, I get up between 5 – 5:30am. I was making my breakfast and eating in the train at 7am. This kept me going until around 10 – 11am and then I would either eat an egg or a piece of fruit and wait until lunch to eat again.

2) I’m supposed to eat every 3 hours. So uh, that would mean 5:30/8:30/11:30/2:30/5:30/7:30. Now wouldn’t that be just brilliant if it could all work out that way? As it is I have lunch at 12 (not 11:30 it’s too early and I often have meetings in the morning). This morning I tried 6/9/12, etc and OH MY GOD I felt completely effed up all day. My breakfast at 6 lasted me until exactly 7. My head tells me to eat when I’m hungry but I waited until 9. I was in Murderous Rage Stage when I walked into the office needing to warm up meal number 2

3) Two meals are carb only. Oh but no pasta or rice or grains. Uh. OK. But muesli bread is ok. Yeah go figure. Technincally not allowed is Bob’s Seven Grain but Steel Cut Oats are fine. ??????????? So today meal two was Bob’s 7, banana and apple with maple syrup (allowed). This lasted me until 10:30 when I became ravenous again.

4) After I ate lunch – turkey and veg sautéed in coconut oil – I was hungry immediately.

5) No more than two cups of coffee per day. Mentally I miss my one latte I allowed myself each day if I really wanted it. I’ve been drinking green tea, which I discovered has caffeine, which is not allowed after 2 cups. :(

6) All this stuff about what cavemen ate or what the ancients had makes no sense to me. So, they were eating cottage cheese? Wasn’t it more a feast or famine type of thing? Ancient Anasazi’s where wrong with their beans???? (not allowed) Kamut is wrong? It’s an ancient grain! Quinoa?

7) I didn’t want to focus on weight loss or diet.

8) I didn’t want to focus on weight loss or diet.

9) I didn’t want to focus on weight loss or diet.

10) I didn’t want to focus on weight loss or diet.

11) I didn’t want to focus on weight loss or diet.

12) I didn’t want to focus on weight loss or diet.

13) I didn’t want to focus on weight loss or diet.

14) I didn’t want to focus on weight loss or diet.

15) I didn’t want to focus on weight loss or diet.

16) I just want to eat when hungry and choose the right foods. I don’t mind taking supplements or fish oil or other things that will enhance my health but seriously this is bullshit.

So three days and I’m fed up already. This is just not the way I want to live my life. I’ve mentioned it before I’m done with obsessing and caring about my weight. Sure it would be great to not be in the overweight category but I prefer to be HEALTHY, STRONG, and FIT. Dieting sucks, I hate it and I’m not going to keep doing this.

Friday I’m having a very serious chat with my trainer to emphasize ONCE AGAIN I do not want to focus on weight loss or diet.

A Bust

Posted on by Renée
1

This week has been one.

I went running on Monday and on Wednesday night I went to bed early… those two things were probably the most positive I did for myself. When the holidays are over I’m truly going to enjoy my nice little controlled planned life again! Or rather I should say my ROUTINE. Is it so OCD to want a routine?

Anyway, before the madness of cookies, wine and pasta dinner begin, I’m going to get dressed and go for a run. It’s well overdue.