Monthly Archives: August 2011

Quit What?

Posted on by Renée
4

I really wanted to start writing more often and had visions of brilliant prose flowing from my brain to my fingers on a regular basis. The reality is, I haven’t got a lot to say, and even when I try to think of things to say, it’s a lot of the same stuff over and over. I feel slightly cynical, negative even and have already “lost” many people along the way because they either have nothing to add or comment upon, can’t help me or are tired of my whinging (fair enough).

I’ve thought about “quitting” many, many, many times. I mean really, who am I kidding here? Twenty-One months with hardly any change, who wouldn’t quit by now?

Then I wondered what quitting would mean.

I mean, if I have maintained for this long wouldn’t that actually mean that the “lifestyle change” has taken place? People talk about it yet you hear about the struggles they have in between. Falling off the wagon. Having binges. Constantly having to start over again.

I don’t have a wagon to fall off. I do what I do and for the most part I like it. I actually prefer eating healthy over eating crap. That’s not to say that I’d say no to pizza occasionally but why should I? Where’s enjoyment in life if you can’t occasionally eat and drink something that you love? What about just having a balance?

You know when I have “binges”? When I’m stressed and I start in on the candy jar at work. Or when I’m really, really hungry (like the five eierkoeken I ate two weeks ago and then threw the rest away). I don’t even binge. I don’t eat entire jars of peanut butter anymore. I can have a package of hummous last me a week. I don’t really “get” why it’s so hard to not binge or what it means to have cravings. For the love of Pete I don’t even get bloody cravings! I can be sympathetic to those struggling, but I don’t really relate, if you know what I mean?

I do feel like I’m constantly starting over again but maybe that’s because I’m too focused on this stupid number on the scale. And I’m too involved in weight loss communities, I read blogs, and many women (and some men) around me are obsessed about their weight. Wouldn’t it be great if it were no longer an issue and we could just go on with our day and lives without wondering how many calories something has in it or how that skinny person over there is eating crackers and cottage cheese no wonder I’m fat with my grilled cheese sandwich on my plate? I enjoy being able to track at MFP but I look at some food diaries and I wonder how do they eat so little? Aren’t they starving? And I question myself and berate myself for not being able to “do better”. It’s crazy though, don’t we all have different needs?

So if I have already gone through the change (the lifestyle change, not menopause ha!) , I suppose that means I can’t quit. I mean, what would I do? Go back to eating shit all the time? Overeat and not be careful about how I fuel my body? How would I run properly if I don’t fuel properly?

This isn’t a weight loss “journey”. This is just life. This is my life. I’m perfect the way I am with ALL of my imperfections. I wish I could get over what everyone else is doing or saying or eating. No one has the body I have. No one can really say that what worked for them would work for me. Clearly I am a unique snowflake over here. I keep talking about acceptance and I wonder, how would I be if I had a debilitating disease? Or I couldn’t walk anymore? Wouldn’t that be HARDER to accept than just being slightly overweight? If this is how it is, then I would gladly take this over illness.

I still wish I could report in with what a great week I had (I didn’t) and that the scale is moving in the right direction (it isn’t). I wish I felt more positive, better about everything (I don’t), that I could move and inspire you to also keep going. This is probably more about survival than anything else. I can’t go back, BUT I could just stay right where I am and be ok with that.

If you guys have any tips on doing so, please let me know.

First Pre-Run Attempt

Posted on by Renée
3

(I scheduled this post for last week, damn it!!! )

Last week Wednesday my physio gave me some exercises to do to prepare for running again. Then we made an appointment for two weeks to see how things were going.

Monday night after dinner the Hubs and I put our running gear on (which already felt great!) and headed into the park to do a half hour of exercise – with me doing my thing and he giving it a go running a bit in the park (he’s not run since end of March).

My exercises consist of:
Fast Walking
Quick/short steps jogging
Backward kicks (for the thighs)
Skipping
Sideways Stepping

I tried to also do the balancing techniques he gave me which is:
Jump/step on one foot, other foot stays up, balance
Repeat

Then I’m supposed to repeat that but pick the place where I want to jump, close my eyes, balance, open, repeat

That didn’t work out too well though, I was WAY too wobbly and I seem to have hurt my other knee in the process. So I just did a combination of the first five.

Who knew that skipping was actually so tough!?? Man my heart was seriously pounding!

I felt so happy to be out there again. I simply can not wait to start running soon. I know I have to be careful, but it does so much for my mind, my body, my brain… even Hubs said he just feels better mentally when he’s running, even though it’s not really something he’s excited to go and do (he likes it while running and the feeling afterwards, but getting started is another story).

I know I won’t be able to do a few of the races I was looking forward to doing, but at least I’m really on my way back!

That thing about Weigh-In Day

Posted on by Renée
4

To be honest, I saw this pattern a long, long time ago and yet I still let it mentally bother me each time it happened.

Whenever I would weigh-in, I would somehow, somewhere throughout the day go overboard with food. It’s like whatever the message was on the scale, subconsciously my brain decided I was going to overeat.

Lost weight! Whoo! Brain thinks it has “room” to eat a bit extra.
Gained weight? Bummer. Screw it, have a treat.
Maintained! Well, nothing new there. I may as well have a (insert whatever food item you like here).

It’s amazing that after all these years I am still psychologically affected by this stupid mechanical machine that rarely ever gives me the answers I want. There have been periods where I just don’t get on the scale, days, weeks – simply because I don’t want my mind played with in this way. And I lived! Imagine that!

There are those who will argue that the only way you can get real control over that number on the scale is to be consistent with calories in vs. calories out AND weigh yourself at the same time every week (in the same way). Some people weigh themselves every day (I remember when I used to do that – after I lost weight with WW and was on maintenance) – I think this particular method would send me into a frenzy.

At least I know myself by now. Weighing myself every day is not going to help me mentally at all. Monthly weighing gives me too many excuses not to try my best every day. So what about weekly?

I was thinking that on my weigh-in day (which I’ve now officially chosen as Wednesday) I should just leave it as an open day. I guess some people call it a cheat day but I don’t like the term “cheat” as it implies I am “bad” or “wrong”. 90% of the time I am really conscious of what I am eating, even when I am over-eating! I’m conscious that I’m making that decision to have whatever it is at that moment. I think if you looked at my food journaling you would also see that what I’m overeating is not exactly “bad” stuff, most of the time it comes from my evening meal – like too much rice, or pasta. Everything else you see is fruit, vegetables, low/no-fat dairy, lean meats, good oils, whole-wheat bread. So if I just tell myself, Wednesday is an open day, I wonder if that would help, or if the brain would say it’s a free-for-all?

Well. I’m just going to try it. I think also one of the reasons it happens is because for several days I’m working very hard on being at or under my calorie goal for the day and I get pretty hungry. So by Wednesday, nothing is really making that emptiness go away – I have to actually eat more to stop that feeling. And I’m not saying stuff myself, I’m just saying eat something reasonable.

I have tried very hard to convince myself that there is nothing wrong with being hungry. And there isn’t. I’m not starving by any means. But there are times when I really physically don’t feel well – headache, dizziness, and even sometimes confusion. I don’t actually understand at all how people can eat so little (or the Eat Stop Eat “method”) and not feel awful. (or maybe they do feel awful but they don’t admit it?)

I know everyone is different. I just find it so amazing that some people have what looks like an easy time with the physical part of weight loss. Perhaps it’s a good thing that this is taking me so long so that mentally I can develop and learn as well.

The Last Week – an update

Posted on by Renée
2

Haven’t had much time for a proper update post this week and this one will have to be quicker than usual -

On Wednesday I weighed-in and officially lost 1.3KG my first week back from holiday and following my food guidelines again. Whoo! I am going to talk a little bit more in the next post about what happened that day, because I’ve found a pattern and I want to find a way to deal with it…

On Wednesday I also went to the physio. The good news is, the knee is not painful at all, it can take 40KG squats and I’m allowed to do some warming-up type exercises, like what you do before you run (I’ll see if Hubs can’t help me with photos of these exercises so that I can describe them properly this upcoming week. We set an appointment for two weeks and if all is still going well, I’ll be on the road to running again! Whoo!

I have the Leontien Ladies Ride coming up on 18 September, which is 70KM; last weekend I did 40+ KM to Nijmegen and back and today I did just under 40KM to Doesburg and back. I still have 4 weeks to train a bit. I’m hoping next weekend to 60 and the weekend after that maybe 70KM just to know what it feels like. I finally remembered to wear my bike shorts today – what a difference! It was beautiful the first half of my ride and I’d never been to Doesburg before so I was really pleased when I saw how freaking cute the town is! Plus there was an Elvis Presley Festival going on, and a Photography Market. Always nice when things are going on at your destination! The 2nd half it was threatening to rain AND it was a route that I’ve done many times (especially running); I wanted to be fairly close to home so I was back before dinner.

Next week the goal is to do my physio exercises at least twice and get to the gym once.

Hope everyone is ready to have a great week ahead of them!

So. Where Was I?

Posted on by Renée
2

Right. I had a little vacation. Three weeks to be exact. That was the first time I’ve actually taken three full weeks off of work to spend time with my family (we always have the kids for three weeks of their summer vacation). Even though I’ve been here in the Netherlands for 17 years (today!), I still feel like taking more than one week or ten days is too long to be away from work. I’m getting over that feeling though, now, obviously.

Before I left I also had a nice, good, calm feeling about everything. I had done all that I could. I had written up documents (that sounds fancy; they were not) for my team to back me up while I was away. I left my laptop and my desk key at work. My work phone stayed at home. I was going to enjoy this holiday without thinking about work!

And that happened pretty much for the most part. We went to Crete again and had an amazing time. The weather was awesome, the food was fabulous, and the beaches were sandy and beautiful. The kids are older now (13 and 10) so we had I think maybe only two occasions where things got a little hairy (it used to be an almost daily occurrence). We swam. We walked. We ate ice cream. Vacation life is good.

One thing I’ve learned over the years is that vacation doesn’t have to mean that you undo all the hard work and effort you’ve put into weight-loss/maintenance efforts. It’s also a good lesson about life. Sure, when we are in our normal routine, and we have full control over what we consume, then by all means, do your best. When on holiday – RELAX a little bit. Life would be terribly boring and stressful even if all we did, all day, every day of our lives was worry about calories in vs. calories out.

The fact that you make an effort to be “reasonable” on holiday is actually enough in my book. Why should I pass up desserts on holiday when I just about never have them in my normal, regular, structured life? Why should I pass up an ice cold beer in the afternoon whilst sitting by the pool, when that is actually the thing that *I* feel would be most refreshing at that moment? Life is too short to worry about a few vacation pounds/ kilos.

So here’s what we did. We stayed in a little apartment-hotel that had a wee kitchenette, including a little refrigerator. We went to the grocery store and bought basics: for the Dutch Crew – bread, cheese, lunchmeats; for me – light cheese. We bought low fat milk, yoghurt, and lots and lots of fresh fruit (which by the way is SO wonderfully delicious the further south you travel). In the mornings, we had our coffee and breakfast at the apartment. Sometimes at lunch we would eat at the apartment as well (similar to breakfast items), sometimes we would eat out and then just have dinner as sandwiches at the apartment. Sometimes we’d order huge Greek Salads and share them between the four of us. We had one big, hot meal a day. We drank tons of water. We walked like crazy (and it that heat, we were sweating buckets) and we swam like the fish themselves.

My clothes still fit when we had to return. I didn’t feel like all my efforts were for nothing. In fact, I got on the scale to check the “damage” – 2.5 KG. That’s all. That’s 5.5 lbs. As of this morning (non-official w/i, but just checking) I’m already down 700gr or 1.5lbs.

I know there are people out there who are very strict about their intake, about logging every single morsel, every day, but that’s not me. I already know that I can only do as much as I can do with the way my body is behaving right now – I’m not going to restrict myself further or not allow myself to have fun outside my normal routine. There are probably people out there who would say, “Well, that’s probably why you can’t lose weight” and you know what? That’s fine to think that. I realize that “having fun” doesn’t necessarily have to mean food and drink, but actually I LIKE those things and I’m not going to give up what gives me pleasure with others. I am active and fit and healthy and yeah I gained weight on holiday. It’s no big deal and it will be off again in no time.

With all that said, I AM logging on MFP again since I’ve been back as I do want to stay a bit structured when I’m not travelling or just on “normal” days. While ultimately I would like to be under 80kgs, right now my focus is mostly on 1) getting back on a (food) routine, 2) healing my knee, 3) getting a regular activity schedule and 4) starting to run again (whenever that may happen). One day, one step, one choice at a time.