Monthly Archives: May 2011

A Confession out of Sheer Desperation

Posted on by Renée
8

Well, it’s confession time folks.

Remember when I quit Weight Watchers because I’d had enough? Enough of trying to make ProPoints work for me. Enough of feeling like a failure. Enough of feeling miserable because I was hungry. I could do this on my own. I knew what to do. More than 10 years of Weight Watchers you would think I would know what to do!

So, when was that? I don’t know. February? I was around the 80-81KG mark then. Still maintaining just like the 15 months before. Then I went on holiday to the US. I expected to gain weight (I’m not saying “go to the US you’ll gain weight” it’s more, I was going home and I planned on having some food I don’t normally have here in the Netherlands and I knew there would be quite a few dinners out and, well, I wasn’t going to worry too much about it) and I did, 2.5KG. But since this gain I haven’t been able to go back down. Anyone remember that I was complaining that I didn’t want to weigh 80KG? Well. I’d love to weigh 80KG now. Hmmmmph.

I’ve been seeing 83, 84, and I don’t like it. I was still weighing and measuring my food, just clearly having too much. And, let’s face it, there were several ice creams involved in my life in the last few months. And back at the candy jar at work. And other things I really didn’t need.

So, with my tail between my proverbial legs, I joined Weight Watchers online again. Like a fool. Because you know what? I am sort of desperate. I haven’t used it much though. Again, foolish. Money wasted. After the first few days I was already frustrated again. I’m having such a hard time with ProPoints – it makes no sense to me at all! Like a Bad Ex there is just too much damage to our relationship. I have to stop this. I have to quit again.

Recently I saw a few local twitter friends had joined My Fitness Pal. They mentioned how great it was that there were Dutch foods in the database. One of the reasons I don’t log my food on Sparkpeople for example is because for me it’s cumbersome, time consuming. I have to enter almost everything into the database and personally I’d rather take the time to get myself to the gym than sit in front of the computer logging items if you know what I mean (as it is, I’m usually writing my blog posts in the train, because I can’t do much else). So, I went over to MFP and I joined.

I’ve now logged a week’s worth of food, drink and exercise. I can clearly see areas where I need to improve. Yesterday I planned out my dinner and I could see that I would be over for the day, so I changed up my snacks and the quantities I would have at dinner and made it work.

One could argue that I could do the same on Weight Watchers. Again, I’m thinking there’s a reason why we broke up in the first place. Sure the sex may have been great but for the long term, not the one for me.

So that’s my confession. I’m an idiot. I joined Weight Watchers again and I’m going to quit again. The last time. If you want to find me on MFP I’m here. This first week, wouldn’t you know it, I’ve gained 700g. Now I know exactly what to work on. Next week will be different.

Thanks. I needed that!

Posted on by Renée
1

I haven’t run for two weeks. In fact I’ve hardly done anything. What with my parents being here, plus the travel and then the exhaustion from work on top of that it just wasn’t happening.

But today I decided to put my running gear on and try to motivate myself to go out and do something. I’m not feeling really great about myself, my body and I know that running always helps get my mind in a better place (with the exception of the Half Marathon).

So while procrastinating I was on twitter and noticed that Monique Rubin was supposed to be running a 10K today in Den Haag and also wasn’t especially in the mood, so I said to her “just go and do it and I’ll go out and walk/jog 10K as well”.

As I really don’t like to go back on my commitments, even those made on twitter (and mind you, sometimes we HAVE to go back on commitments), I finally made my way outside to run.

I walked the first kilometer. Needed to feel like I could do it and it took me exactly that long. Then I headed around in a different way than I normally go running, but very close to a way we drive to the station in the morning. I went then through a part of Klarendal and back around to the Velperweg. At that point it was time to head home. My knees were hurting and I wanted to stop. I walked a bit again, checked my phone and saw that Monique was definitely doing her 10K. I knew then I just had to go for it. All in all I probably walked 2 – 2.5KM of the 10K and I’m totally ok with that.

It was good to go out again. I don’t fully feel like I have my mojo back, but thanks Monique Rubin, I really needed that!

A funny thing happened on the way to Luxembourg (part II)

Posted on by Renée
3

“They” say things happen in threes. I believe this to a certain extent.

As I mentioned in my previous post, we rented a car to go to Luxembourg to pick up my parents. They had been on a long cruise and we knew they’d have quite some luggage with them (plus all of dad’s camera equipment) and we wanted everyone to be comfortable. The plan was Hubs would drive to the Station nearest to where I work, as they have a very good, very secure Park and Ride for a lot less cash than parking at the airport. I left work early on Wednesday and we agreed to meet at 3:30pm at the station.

I was the first to arrive so I purchased our tickets to the airport. We were renting the car from the airport since all four of us were leaving Friday midday to our subsequent destinations. Hubs called right after I had the train tickets in my hand; the Park and Ride was closed for construction!! Of course! The day we want to actually use the Park and Ride, it’s closed! We decided to drive to the airport and park in Long-Term Parking. We needed petrol (diesel actually) but could definitely make it to the airport with no issue whatsoever so we just drove directly there. I needed to pick up the car at 4:30 and we were now pressed for time (I have a “thing” about being on time, this is why we did not stop for diesel). We made a mental note that we would need to fill the tank when we arrived back from London. We had the GPS anyway and it would tell us where the nearest tank station was located. Having the car at the airport made perfect sense – now we could just drive directly home and not have to worry about any trains at all.

We picked up our car and drove to Luxembourg.

We picked up my parents the next day.

Everything went very smooth.

Thursday after we’d arrived back at our apartment we sorted my parents out with their check in for their flight back to the US.

We also checked-in to our flight to London. But I noticed something; Hub’s name was spelled wrong. You know how “they” are always going on about your ticket/ boarding card has to match your passport? We got on the phone to KLM who said we needed to phone Expedia as we arranged the booking through them. We phoned Expedia who said they would phone KLM to arrange the changes. There were TWO spelling mistakes (my bad; obviously I was in a hurry when I booked and I didn’t check properly) one in his first name, one in his last name. They said they would take care of it. We left it at that.

Friday we went to the airport. Everything went very smooth.

We dropped off the car. We got my parents to their luggage drop off desk. But. Something was still wrong.

They fixed his first name on the ticket, but not the last name.

I checked with KLM. They couldn’t change it. Not without a charge of EUR 50.

Now I’m getting nervous.

I phoned Expedia and had a very slight argument with the service representative about how it WAS actually important that the boarding card match the passport, especially in the UK where they are VERY strict about these things. Maybe we didn’t have a problem going to London, but we could have a problem coming back. Little did I know what was really in store…

So I’m on the phone, my parents need to leave, I end up on hold, Hubs hugs and kisses dad and stepmom, I give him the phone so I’m able to also say “so long” to them as well.

Eventually it gets sorted out. They issued a new ticket. We got checked in, we dropped off our bag, we went through security, and we got on our flight.

We had a great weekend in London. As I said before, going away even for a weekend with Hubs is always enjoyable. We like the same things. We love music, going for coffee, walking around, hanging out, having a beer. We did all of these thing and even met some interesting people at the music festival we attended Friday and Saturday. Sunday a few plans for meeting people fell through so we just wandered around a wee bit and eventually headed to the airport when it was time.

Heathrow is always a little challenge. It’s always busy and no matter whether or not you have checked in online, you still have to wait in a queue to drop off your bags. Sunday was no exception and it seemed we had loads of people ahead of us who had 5 bags and had to repack and change hand luggage or had some challenge with their boarding cards. We were still on time so no issue just more annoyance than anything. About 40 minutes before the flight we headed through security. As a seasoned traveler I pride myself on being fully prepared to go through security at any airport – I’ve got my few liquids separate in a clear plastic bag, my belt off, no sharp objects, phone put away, that sort of thing. Sunday was no exception. I put everything through, walked through the sensor, completely free and clear.

I saw my bag come through and the belt stopped. One person was looking at the x-ray. Then two. Then four. Then SIX people were looking at the monitor. Hubs was also through and waiting with me at the end of the belt.

One man came forward and asked who the owner was of the bag. I raised my hand, he came over and asked “Can you please describe to me what you have in the bag?” So I started naming items. Camera, wallet, iPod, headphones, tampons, a pen. Then he said “We noticed a small piece of metal in the bag, what could that be?” I said I didn’t know. Honestly, I had no idea. I had no nail files, tweezers, nothing of the sort in that bag.

The bag, which by the way, my dad gave to me in March, that belonged to my (dead) Uncle. The bag, which already passed through US security once as a carry on in March and through security from Amsterdam to London, just 3 days earlier.

They said I had to empty the bag. So I started to remove the contents. Everything in a big tray. Another man had a metal detector. And there it was. The small metal object in my bag.

A bullet.

Yes, a bullet!

I have to tell you I was absolutely flabbergasted. I had no idea what to think. I was scared that’s for sure, I wanted to cry from the shock. I explained I had no idea that bullet was in the bag. I explained it once belonged to my Uncle, that I never even noticed it. I explained that he was former military and a marksman to boot, but I honestly never, ever saw it in the bag. The guard explained they had to call the police. The POLICE.

He took my passport and asked us to wait in another area.

Our flight was now being called for boarding. We weren’t going anywhere.

Fifteen minutes we heard that our flight was about to close, final boarding call. The security guard came back, gave me my passport and said “We’re going to let you go, but we’re keeping the bullet. Be careful next time when you receive things from others; you never know what might be in store waiting for you!” We then RAN to the gate and got on our flight.

Remember I told you that we needed to get petrol when we arrived at the airport, that Wednesday we picked up the rental car? Well, yeah, we tried, but we still ran out of gas.

Three things. Ticket. Bullet. Diesel.

I think this means that I’m in for some really GOOD luck soon!

What’s New Pussycats? Part I

Posted on by Renée
Reply

I’ve been incredibly busy lately. Rushing around all over the place.

My parents were here for a day, as I mentioned in my last post. They went on to Denmark and flew to Luxembourg as my stepmom’s best friend from school lives there with her husband. Hubs and I rented a car to drive down (nothing really wrong with our car, but we needed more room for their and our – story coming – luggage) and on Wednesday afternoon we picked up said automobile at the airport to hit the road.

Something about road trips. You know you are with the right person when some of the best times you have with someone are traveling (that and home improvement, a sure-fire way to test a relationship). We absolutely LOVE traveling together. We have a GREAT time. Sure there’s the occasional squabble over directions “do you want to drive or are you going to let me?!” and the where-do-you-want-to-eat-I don’t-know-where-do-YOU-want-to-eat situations but for the rest we get on like a house on fire. The minute we are on the road we are on “holiday”. Even if that holiday is an overnighter somewhere or a weekend away.

So we went down to Luxembourg City on Wednesday evening, which is a four hour drive through the Netherlands and Belgium and specifically the Ardennes. It’s a beautiful area but of course it was late and we couldn’t really see much. But we laughed and listened to music and stopped along the way to eat dinner (Pizza Hut Express; not my favourite but what are you going to do?).

We arrived at our Hotel in Luxembourg, appropriately called Hotel Italia (?), managed to get parking, checked-in, and situated and then walked over to a little square with a few pubs to have a beer. After a four hour drive one needs a beer to chill out and relax; you can’t be expected to jump straight in the bed like good little boys and girls do!

We went to sleep around midnight, woke up at 8 am, had breakfast (not my favourite again but certainly these continental breakfasts are for carb lovers! lots and lots of bread, croissants, jam, Nutella, that sort of thing) and then headed over to pick up my parents. We then spent the next several hours in the car, talking, laughing, waxing and waning philosophically at times. We stopped in Belgium for coffee and petrol, in Limburg for late lunch (they were hell bent on pannenkoeken yet when we finally found a Dutch Pancake House they weren’t super impressed with how it looked!) and then went to Arnhem so they could see where we live (our apartment AND the city).

We gave them a little tour (the apartment takes two seconds), dad and Hubs chatted about nerdy things, stepmom stroked the cats, and we did some practical things as well like getting them all checked in for their flight the next day. We then did a little round of the city, at least the parts we know and headed off to dinner at our favourite Greek restaurant in Arnhem. Great dinner, great company, a great day and evening all in all.

We took them to their hotel afterwards (which they LOVED) and said goodnight. We arrived home very shortly thereafter and went to bed with the intention of getting up early (enough) to pack for our own trip to England. They had to catch a 2pm flight back to the US and we were off to London at 3pm.

With that I’ll leave you and post Part I and perhaps even some photographs if I can get it all together at around the same time.

Changes

Posted on by Renée
9

I’m sure you notice there are a few changes on the blog.

Sometimes you come full circle. I started a “life” blog a few years ago and branched off into weight loss. Then my whole life became about weight loss and you see where that’s gotten me? This is one of the reasons I have moved from my weight loss twitter profile back to my original twitter profile.

Another one of the reasons I switched is because I was being influenced, sometimes negatively by others. Or, more like by myself, comparing, wondering what was wrong with me, getting wrapped up in trying to be “in” with the popular kids.

So really. This is going to be much more of who I am now. I’m going back to liking myself again. I hope you are going to like that part of me too.

Something Good

Posted on by Renée
Reply

Friday I got to see my dad and Stepmom in Amsterdam. They are on a cruise that docked here for exactly 8 hours.

It was great to see them. Dad’s doing well. It’s still early days since his radiation therapy for prostate cancer but he feels good and is not having any symptoms or problems related to the therapy OR the cancer.

I hate living so far away from him right now. But I appreciate the time we have together. Next week I’ll see them both again in Luxembourg and then we will come up to Arnhem so they can see where we live.

It’s good to appreciate relationships. They are both great people in my life.

Today’s Post Brought to you by: Depression, Anger, Disappointment and Bad Self-Esteem

Posted on by Renée
11

Now if that is not an uplifting post title, I don’t know what is!

Look, I do know and acknowledge that I have good things in my life. Really, I do.

And I do know that my life is a piece of cake if you compare it to those who have it much harder than I do. People who have had terrible tragedies happen in their lives, people who are sick, people who don’t have family or friends that care about them. I KNOW. For some reason my brain doesn’t want to truly embrace that and move the fuck on.

I’m cheesed off about everything. I’m mad, angry, disappointed and I feel really let down. I feel abandoned. I’ve got the self-esteem level of a crack-whore being kicked in an alleyway. For what? I WISH I KNEW.

I feel very depressed. I keep saying that good times are coming again in the HOPES that my power of positive thinking will actually work. Yet I sit here in tears for the god-only-knows-nth day in a row. For what???

I’m disappointed in myself.

I’m disappointed in others.

I’m angry that my body will not cooperate with me.

I’m sad and confused as to why I can’t get my head in the right place.

I’m pissed off that I can not seem to follow through, not one single day, with doing the right thing.

I’m tired. I’m exhausted actually.

I don’t really know what to do any more. “They” say that eating right and keeping active keeps your endorphins in the right place, keeps you or helps you feeling better about yourself. But that’s not doing it for me.

What’s it going to take to get me going in the way I want to be going again?
…………………………………….

Half Marathon Thoughts

Posted on by Renée
10

I wrote a post earlier this week but have decided to try again in another way, at least giving my impressions for anyone who may be interested to do this in the future.

But I’m going to be honest, it wasn’t the greatest thing that ever happened to me. I didn’t feel “amazing” at the end. I did it, yes, and I’m proud that I did, but I didn’t have an experience that will propel you into signing up immediately after reading this post.

Leading up to the Half, I knew I wasn’t fully prepared; I hadn’t done all of my runs as my training indicated I should do and my head has been playing games with me for weeks now, so mentally I also wasn’t ready. I figured I would just keep going – I’d done 16KM a few times and figured it’s “just 5 more”, surely I could do it if I could do 16? My last 16KM training, which included walking, I did in 1:50, I figured I could do the half in 2:30. I was so wrong.

The weather was against me actually. It had been very hot for at least a week leading up to the event. I had to go out and buy new running clothes because I pretty much only had winter gear, long pants, that sort of thing. I also bought a belt to put my phone and iPod in, and that held two 20oz bottles of water. I should mention I am not a fan of carrying anything on a run and, regardless of function I really hate those water belts in general. I had taken Tara’s advise a while back to carry water with me and it seemed to help with the headaches to keep hydrated (I mention Tara, but actually several people said it was dehydration that was giving me the headaches; Tara showed me a type of bottle she carries and I bought something similar). With the temperatures as they were, I knew I would need to have water with me, hence the belt.

I prepared for the race like I normally do. Lots of water a few days before. Carb-loading. On the morning of the race I had my big bowl of oatmeal and packed a raisin bun with peanut butter and banana for later. I also had a Luna Bar with me (I stocked up on these while I was in the States) and a PowerBar that I’d bought the day before the race when I went to pick up my race packet.

This race was in Utrecht, only 35 minutes by train (as opposed to the races I normally do in the North, more than 1 hour drive/train) but I wanted to be early just to try and relax and get into the spirit. Hubs and my friend Melissa were there with me to support. We actually arrived at around 12:15 but I wasn’t due to start until 2pm. We sat in the “party area” and watched the Marathoners running on the big screen. I drank more water, ate my PowerBar, did some warming up and tried to get my head in a good place.

After several trips to the toilet “to be sure”, it was time for me to say so-long to M and Hubs and line up for the race. There were no corrals which kind of confused me. I think I made it towards the start at about 3 minutes past 2 o’clock. And… we were off.

Just after starting I felt so incredibly thirsty. This happened to me at the last race too and I put it down to nerves. I was surprised at how quickly we’d reached 3 kilometers, right before the first bridge we had to cross.

I felt really good then, my legs felt great, my head was calm but I was thirsty. I didn’t want to start drinking too soon as I had no idea if there were toilets along the course (turns out there weren’t) and I didn’t want to have to go before I’d reached the half way point.

It was incredibly hot out. I don’t know where the first water station was, but it was a welcome treat to have a drink. At this point we were out of Utrecht and in De Meern (I think) where the locals were out cheering and spraying us down with water hoses. I was so happy to see these people. In fact all along the way people were supporting us to keep us cool.

I must have been around the 8KM mark when I walked a minute or two. Here’s where I took a drink of my own bottled water (which was enhanced with some powder that replenished electrolytes). I picked it up again and about 1KM later is where I saw the first casualty – a guy laying on the ground surrounded by First Responders.

Just over halfway I walked again a few minutes. My feet were hurting, my whole body was overheating, I had to just cool down a bit. I sent a message to M and Hubs that I made it more than half but they were actually tracking me on Endomondo so they already knew. We were about to approach another bridge, I walked up that and started running again going downhill.

Around the 16 mark I was starting to feel very lightheaded. I think I had basically used every ounce of fuel I had in my body at that point and was completely empty. From 16 to the end it was a series of walking and running. At one point around 19 a group of maybe 10 people saw me and started cheering for me (I was walking then) “Come on Renée! You can do it! It’s not far now! Pick it up!” I found this very motivating and gave me the boost I needed so I started running again and they all cheered! Was a very nice feeling!

Sadly I could not carry on running the last 2 kilometers. I just continued to walk/run. Around 150m from the finish I decided I had to run across the line and not walk. So I put everything I had back into my legs and went for it. At 50m I saw my husband and M and somehow had the strength to smile and wave.

Crossing the line was actually the weirdest moment of the race. The woman ahead of me decided to run over the line with her very small child and they were taking up a huge amount of space that I couldn’t seem to get through. I had to actually slow down to cross the line! Plus my “finish” photo is basically her and her kid and my trying to get around them. This really pissed me off to be honest.

So. That’s it. I did it. I crossed the line. I got my medal and I felt like complete and utter shit. I found Hubs and M, I got a beer, dug around for my sandwich, but it was too late. I was so empty and feeling so bad that I threw up all that stuff anyway on the train ride home. I honestly don’t feel great about it. I don’t know that I’ll do it again.

Things I learned:
1) You have to train. Don’t be stupid and not train. If you don’t have time to train then don’t do a half-marathon
2) You have to eat more. You need to eat enough fuel that will keep you going throughout the race. And, if you want to do gels and stuff during the race, test them out before a race so you are sure you won’t get sick (I wanted to try some gels but ended up not and was advised NOT to do this during a race. Not everyone reacts to gels well)
3) Look up the course beforehand. No toilets along the way is kind of unacceptable.
4) “Just 5 more Kilometers” is bullshit. It was like trying to cross the frickin Sahara. You can play tricks with your mind and try to motivate yourself into something but be realistic.

I wanted to finish at 2:30. I finished at 2:41. I know that I finished and that’s great, but I’m kind of embarrassed about the time. If I do another Half (ever) it’s not going to be in spring or summer. I would much rather run in cooler temperatures.

I didn’t want to make a negative post about it, this is just my honest feeling about the whole thing. Acceptance is also about admitting things maybe aren’t the best for you – I think my weight holds me back too. For now I will probably stick to 10 – 16KM races. I know I can do these, I feel good at the end, accomplished, proud. I felt nothing like that at the end of this race, just sick, disappointed and like I wanted to keel over.