A Break

Phew. With the last months of running, goals, dietitians, working, not-sleeping enough, counting, traveling, and the last two weekends with each having a race on Sunday, I really needed a break.

I didn’t actually realize I needed a break of course. Typical me likes to just keep going, even though I don’t really like it… it’s what I do, I just keep going.

Sunday was my 16K and frankly all of the training and all of the mental preparation, plus work was really enough for me. This week I’ve done a whole lot of nothing.

Well, that’s not true. I have done things that needed to be done. I’ve done things I just wanted to do. I fulfilled step-parenting duties. I deliciously laid on the couch Tuesday night and watched Glee. I saw friends I hadn’t seen for at least five weeks. I went to bed early. That brings me to today.

I should also mention that it’s ridiculously busy and stressful at work this week. I work in accounting and this is our year-end. Madness is ensuing. A new business unit will be coming onboard at the beginning of October. It’s review time. Normally I have a lot going at once but right now it is madness. I had an argument with the candy jar this week and it won – but it wasn’t a messy, bloody disastrous fight. I recognize these things when they are happening; sometimes I mindlessly find the chocolates in my throat working their way to my stomach, sometimes I overcome.

I have really been so exhausted this week. I have made the decision to sleep until 5:30 every morning this week except for Monday, because I would rather sleep than prepare certain basis food items to take with me to work. In the past I’ve done things and mentally checked out, eating whatever simply because I hadn’t planned. This week was a little different. I did have some items at work and I can buy healthy items (as well as very unhealthy) and I pretty much did that. No counting, no weighing or measuring. I am just keeping and eye on things, being aware of my choices.

Yesterday I had that urge again. My nemesis, the candy jar was calling my name.

(EMPTY on a Friday)

I took a breath. I went downstairs and instead I bought non-fat yoghurt and a small packet of muesli. I was in fact hungry, chocolates would have been easy – 15 steps to the jar – I chose to work through it instead and go and get something that would make me feel better in the end for choosing it.

So, I’m on a break. But I’m really not. I can’t wait for the day when I don’t have the mental vigorous discussions about what to do, “what to don’t” (as my husband says). I don’t know if that day will ever come. Does it come to others? Do we ever stop thinking about what the right thing to do is? What the right decision is?

I believe Saturday we are due to start running again. I also plan on making a good shopping list and a meal plan for next week. I want to get back in my normal routine again. Being in my routine will most likely help me deal with the stress at work better. Yes I’m a bit of a control- freak, but I think I should use that to my advantage in this situation.

And for those number nerds out there – I’ve been pretty much winging it this week food wise yet I weighed 80.5KG when I got on the scale this week, which to me is pretty much a “maintain”. As per usual. So when I try I gain or stay the same. When I don’t try I gain or stay the same. At least I am consistent!!

What do you do when you just need a break? Are you not totally on a break or do you just throw caution to the wind and deal with the consequences later?

The Dietitian, The Scale and Two Races

Ugh. It’s been so difficult time-wise to put together my thoughts on several different areas right now. There are only 24 hours in a day and I have to use them wisely. Sometimes that means putting the blogs on the back burner and doing whatever I need to do to get through the day.

Last Monday I went to another dietitian. At the very least she listened to me. I had 45 minutes with her as opposed to the guy at the gym where I got 10 minutes. He basically told me to follow a list and train more and harder. I needed to work out minimum 3 hours per week in addition to the minimum 2 times a week I was going running. He didn’t seem to hear the fact that I work 130 kilometres away and training 5 days a week (at least going to the gym 3 times) is just not possible. He expected that I should lose 2 kilos a week if I followed his rules. This new dietitian listened to me, did give me a list but tailored it to what I like to eat. She took into account that I often replace dairy with soy or at least goat instead of cow’s milk (not all the time, but often). She took into account that I am NOT a sandwich girl and told me that I was doing a great thing with my little salads at lunch. She told me that actually there wasn’t much wrong with what I was eating but maybe we still had to work on portion control (and I don’t disagree). She asked me if I got enough sleep. I have mentioned before that I think my lack of proper sleep has something to do with my very-often-hunger feeling but she is the first professional to ask me (I have said it to my doctor before many, many times). She said it could very well be lack of sleep that is messing with my ability to lose weight right now. It’s not for certain, so first I have to try again a few things (like what is on her list). It’s been an entire week since I saw her and to be perfectly honest, I have not followed that list to a “T” so I can’t really complain if I’m not losing any weight, right?

Speaking of which – the scale: I have been on it a few times since I returned from Rome. It has gone down and then up again, just like the usual. At this very moment (or as of this very morning) it was 80.2 KG. I have also said this before – I do not want to weight 80KG. It’s still in the overweight category. However, I am slowly feeling calmer and accepting of the fact that this is what it is right now and as long as I keep doing what I’m doing (exercise, being mindful of what I eat, running) I am fine. I feel fine. I look fine. I’m not perfect, but then again I don’t want to be. I would like to weigh less. What more can I really do if I’m already doing the best that I can? I will keep focusing on feeling good and being healthy.

So everyone knows that I had a 16K race this past Sunday, but I also had a race the Sunday prior to that – the Bridge to Bridge in Arnhem. I *only* did the 5K but it was actually my first 5K (my first actual race was in March, the Zandvoort Circuit Run 12K and then in April I did the Zuidas 6K). This was purely a logistical decision on our part (Hubs ran too) – we had the kids with us and didn’t really want to leave them alone for too long. They are old enough (12 and 9) but we just didn’t feel great about dumping them in the rain with an umbrella and EUR 10 for an hour had we done the 10K). For this race I decided to just go for it, enjoy and experience it all. Which meant I ran without my music. Six months ago I couldn’t have imagined running without my music, I always thought I would be bored or just wouldn’t be able to do it, but I’ve proved myself wrong a few times now. Anyway, it was really nice to do this race, in the city I live in instead of schlepping all the way to Amsterdam. Where I live we do have several bridges and quite a lot of hills (for the Netherlands, where the west of the country is either at or below sea level), so I knew it would be somewhat challenging as we normally just run on pretty flat elevation (at the park across the street or through some long stretches of farmland). I ran this race with a smile on my face – all of the people running gave me so much energy, and even the rain made me feel so good. I ran this race with my official time being under 30 minutes (29:58 to be exact!!), which is really a first for me. I ran this race also giving my kids an example that they, we can do anything we want to do, anything we set our minds to (my stepson seemed interested in the 1K kids run after seeing several groups running). They know I have had a weight problem, they know that we smoked cigarettes and now they have seen both of us change our lives and better our health. That makes me feel really good.

But the 16K… I’ve been working on this one for quite some time. I have only done 16K two times previously whilst training and there was quite a bit of walking involved so I was quite nervous about it. I was also nervous about the fact that there were over 35,000 participants, that this race was one of the biggest races in the Netherlands (as far as number of participants goes). I was nervous it was going to be hard – several of my colleagues had mentioned that in the past, when it was really hot, it had been really difficult. I remember a few years ago, one of my colleagues actually puked after the race. So yeah, I was feeling kind of uneasy. I also wanted to do the race under two hours and I wasn’t sure I would manage. The day of the race though, I just decided I was going to do it and do my best. I wanted to run the whole way, no walking and that I managed with the exception of 1) a potty break just before 5K (though I went three times prior, I was not going to make the whole 16) 2) I walked for about 10 seconds to drink water at one of the drink stations and 3) I walked for about 45 seconds when I had a bit of a stitch, right before the 10K mark. I was kind of hoping I could do it in 1:45, but 1:50 was probably more realistic. In the end my official time was 1:53:01. Lots of things to be proud of there; the fact that I did it and the fact that I came in before three other more seemingly fit colleagues are the two things that are in the forefront of my mind.

I have to say I really loved this race! There were so many people out, fanfare, singers, people cheering – the energy was just fantastic! I also loved the villages that we went through, really “typical” Dutch – small streets, dikes, tiny houses. Normally what is conjured up in people’s minds about what the Netherlands looks like (tulips, windmills, etc), that’s what it was. I had my headphones off much of the race, just to take in all the cheering and music. I would definitely do the Dam tot Damloop again!

Here you can see video and photos – just type in my number 22185 and click on “zoeken” – “video” is, well, video and “foto” is photo.

I noticed in the videos that I am waddling. I think it’s time to work on technique. If you don’t recognize me, I’m wearing a pink Chicago Cubs Spring Training ball cap, like this:

My running friend and colleague and the one who motivates me a lot of the time tried to convince me to at least do the 8K in Amsterdam (while he does the Marathon) in October, but I’m done now until November. I have too much going on and I want to be really ready for the next two races: the 9.6KM Berg to Berg on 5th of November (a night race!) and the 15K Seven Hills in Nijmegen on the 21st of November. My training will now be focused on elevation and endurance. And not waddling :)

That’s the latest and greatest – life is good! I am alive!!

Motivation, that fickle Friend

What motivates you? To do anything really?

I have a few motivators in my life.

I’m motivated to get out of the bed (albeit reluctantly at times) on weekdays to go to work. I do this because I have bills to pay and prefer that to people breathing down my neck asking me to pony up my debt with them. I do this also because, even though I lose 20+ hours a week commuting to and from that place, I actually like it. I like my colleagues. I like the company. I feel good there.

I haven’t always felt good there. At least not 100%. But I stay because I visualize the good things when the not-so-good get me down. To be honest, I’ve had it pretty good there and it continues to go better and I continue to grow. That’s a good motivator to me.

I’m motivated to spend time with my husband and step-kids. 99% of the time I truly enjoy their company and my heart feels like it’s going to explode from the love I get from them. I’m motivated to be considerate, kind and loving, and I get it back. So when I have an argument with my man I always forgive because I think about the good things, the things that remind me WHY I’m there in the first place.

I’m motivated to keep in touch with and reach out to friends. I haven’t always been the best friend in the world and yes I’m a bit selfish and self-absorbed at times. When I have disagreements or become annoyed when others are acting out (for whatever reason), I remember why we were friends in the first place. I think about the great times we’ve been through together and I keep going.

I’m motivated to feed and water my cats. I love them and would hate if anything would happen to them. They depend on me and give me love right at the exact time that I need it.

I’m motivated to do regular things for myself like my laundry – who wants to run out of clean knickers, right? And I like to look and feel like I’ve made an effort. When I see a cute girl in the mirror that cleans up well and looks pretty ok for a 42-year-old, I feel good about myself. I remember that feeling on those days when I don’t want to bother having a shower or getting dressed (like on the weekend) and I do it anyway. I’m always glad I do it.

I think most people have motivators like this or at least something similar. So why is it so hard to be motivated to take care of ourselves enough to be FIT and HEALTHY?

Why is the “diet” and exercise the first thing to go?

What makes it OK to lose our motivation when it boils down to two CORE ASPECTS of our lives?

What is this, MOTIVATION thing? It seems it’s a fickle friend. It’s there for so many other things, maybe it’s even there for your 100%, giving you it’s undying love and attention and then WHAMMO! It drops you like a hot potato.

And funny how it goes when you are:
Sad
Lonely
Depressed
Angry
Upset
Confused
Tired

Oh, so you are only my friend in GOOD TIMES? No, no, Mo. I’m not going to have a relationship like that.

Motivation. It’s not what you think. It’s a concept. An idea. Something we can easily use to propel us towards good things, but also something to BE USED AS AN EXCUSE.

Can you imagine if we used it on other things besides ourselves?

“Oh, Hi, Visa Card. I can’t pay you this month; I lost my motivation to write out my cheques.”

“Hey, honey. I can’t really bother caring about you this month. I love you but I’ve no motivation to show it.”

“Hey, guys, sorry, I have no motivation to shower or wear clean clothes. Brushing my teeth is cumbersome as well. You don’t mind do you?”

These things sound a bit ridiculous, right?

So why is it OK to say “I can’t be bothered to eat right today. My motivation is completely gone” or “I’ve no motivation to get out and run or go to the gym”?

I felt a bit like I was struggling sometimes with motivation the last months. I’m frustrated. I’m hungry. I’m still not finding a balance with my food.

But I don’t want to be friends with Mo in only certain situations. I want that 100% undying love. That love is me loving myself. I am different but EQUALLY important as my job, my husband, and my relationships.

Any other friend you wouldn’t put up with at only 50%, would you?

Don’t let Mo think you are not important. You have control over you. No one and nothing else. YOU. Stay motivated to take care of you. We get one life; make you a priority in it.

If you are struggling with motivation, think about why you started this in the first place. What is the reason that you wanted to become healthy or to become active? Did those reasons change? Do you still have the same desire for the end result? That you will be healthier and leaner and younger? Or maybe that you will become an athlete? Focus on what is important and don’t make excuses that you have no “willpower” or “motivation”. You are the only one who can do this.

ProPoints, I’m done with you!

As of right now, I am no longer following Weight Watchers ProPoints.

I’ve had enough.

I am still using the program to give me guidelines on serving sizes and what ranks higher in nutritional value.

But I’m done counting.

I’m going to trust myself.

This is not a license to go off and get crazy. This is a license to carry on down the path that I have been going down for a very long time now. Only now without the confines of the numbers which clearly do not work for me and do not make me feel better about myself.

Eating well, listening to my body, running, gym, cycling, being active in general, these are the things that make me feel GOOD about myself. Yes I am still technically overweight, but right now I’m going to focus on something else. That’s me LIVING and treating myself with the highest respect possible.

So Far September

I did not mean to go this long without a post. In fact, I was writing up a post about my trip to Rome on my “regular” blog and I haven’t even finished that one yet. It’s been a little bit busy since I got back. My intention is always to post at least once a week to keep people interested, but also for myself so I don’t easily forget about my accomplishments.

A few things:

1) I wanted to set some September goals, but here we are at the 12th already! So basically my goals are:
a) complete 5K in Arnhem (Bridge to Bridge) – DONE (and kicked ass, thankyouverymuch)
b) complete 16K in Amsterdam on the 19th – bring it on
c) clock at least 85 KM this month running
d) go to the gym. really. just once.
e) write that letter to my grandmother

2) Our trip to Rome was AWESOME. I mean really and completely awesome. We did so many things and I haven’t even been able to sort through all the photos yet and put them online, but there are at least a few (nearly 100!) here if you want to have a look. I absolutely loved Rome and plan on going back. Oh and the food? OMG. Awesome. Seriously. I did not worry about eating while I was there. Pizza. Pasta. Ice Cream. My birthday weekend was definitely one of the best so far. The Highlight? Going running around the Colosseum. Epic. When was the last time YOU ran around the Colosseum in Rome?

3) I have been food tracking but once again the numbers are all over the place. It’s really, really frustrating. I am going to a Dietitian tomorrow, but honestly, it may be time to just accept that I may possibly weigh 80KG for the rest of my life. If I am hungry I’m going to eat. I refuse to walk around completely empty and light-headed, cranky and headachy, in the name of trying to drop a few kilos. Trust me I am not eating anything crazy. I always get my fruits and veggies in. I eat lean meats, fish, my dairy servings. How can you go wrong when you actually snack on roasted vegetables? What I really hate though? Is that people eat way worse than I do and they consistently lose weight. It feels very unfair. But I know. Mom always said “Life is not fair.”

4) In case I failed to mention it, I am doing two more races in November. One is nearly 10K and the other is 15K. They are both closer to home (compared to the 2 races I’ve done in Amsterdam and now 1 in my city) and they both include a buttload of hills. Next year I want to do more races, maybe a half and …

5) Hubs and I decided we are going to do the BERLIN Marathon next September. Berlin, people. Need I say more? It’s only one of my favourite cities in Europe and moreover an amazingly cool city to run in. Last June (2009) we were there for the second time and we’d already started the C25K, so we decided to do two of our runs that week in Tiergarten. Of course I could run a marathon in the Netherlands, but why not combine my passion for travel and running in the same trip? We are going to have to get on a training plan STAT.

For a little glimpse of what this Runner Girl eats:

Last weeks food also included: 2 cookies, 2 mini-Nuts, 2 home-made Curries (that Hubs tailors to my dietary needs)and a Mexican dinner including Mojitos (and beer and wine… oops). For the rest, I eat like those photos show you. I also ran 25KM this week (Sunday to Sunday). Last time I weighed, the result was 80.5KG, up a kilo from the last time I posted here (but down since I returned from Rome).

Ask me what’s in the photos, I love to talk about the kind of food I eat!

That’s my update for now, but I have a few other posts up my sleeve which I can hopefully get to this week as well.

August Recap

Here’s the verdict on August:

1) Food journal every single day. Whether online, on paper, on post-it notes, whatever. Every day journaling. Everything consumed.

Didn’t fully happen. I did journal a lot though, which led to my ultimate frustration, point counting, numbers, being hungry, etc.

2) Gym twice a week.

Garrrrrr! I went once. This has to stop.

3) Running: 85 KM this month.

I ran almost 95KM this month!!!

4) Add some really good things to my victory log

I added a few things – but I would like to be more focused on the good outcomes of each day.

5) Read another book

Picked a book. Carried around said book. Didn’t read book.

6) Take my measurements (but don’t get on the scale!)

Got on the scale and took measurements. Bones of Contention. Shifting focus.

7) Make at least one new recipe I’ve been meaning to try for the last bazillion years.

ha! well, *I* didn’t, but Hubs did. Does that count?

8 ) Write to my grandmother

Good Intentions…

9) Make appointment for my new tattoo

September 18th for my consult! YES!

10) Visit both of my girlfriends who just had a baby.

Had plans with both, one had to cancel, the other one I got to see and meet her new little fella!!

September goals are coming and a recap of my conversation with Thor – whom I recommend you follow on twitter – and Ellie, my Weight Watchers leader.