Just a little eye candy

I never did show you guys the running skirt I bought a while back. I do love it, but I have to say, it’s too big! A luxury problem, I know. The first skirt I bought from www.runningskirts.com was in the size 16-18 range so when I went to buy another one I erred on the side of caution. That was silly! I had lost weight an inches since the first skirt! Now I can only wear this one for a very short period of time. Hubs took this photo of me yesterday:

Today I also wore a dress (that is a weeeee bit too big) that a friend of mine gave me. She also lost tons of weight and was swimming in this size. I liked the dress but it was something I never would have dared to wear. I like black and even when I try to wear other colours or look for clothes in other colours, I end up with black (or various shades of pink). I decided I was going to give this dress a go anyway, and even bought a yellow bolero to go with it. A week before S gave me the dress I’d bought my first bolero EVER in my life, now suddenly I have TWO. Hubs took this photo of me this morning: (which is why I still have sleepy face on)

My colleagues are still shocked at work, seeing me in colours. Hell, just seeing me in a dress. But this is actually more ME than anything I’ve been wearing for the last several years, before I re-committed to Weight Watchers. I like wearing skirts and dresses. I like dressing like a girl. I also like jeans, but not all the time. Being fat really held me back from the clothes I really wanted to wear. Being fat in the Netherlands is like a double curse – there isn’t a large overweight population (though, way to go guys, you are getting there) so there isn’t a huge demand for plus size clothing. Clothing has improved, but not enough that there are actually stylish shops out there for the larger woman (that don’t cost the price of a small child). Anyway, it’s much healthier to just lose the weight and then buy clothes in “normal” sizes (ok I really hate the word “normal” here, but I hope you know what I mean).

I’m not exactly where I want to be yet, but at least I’m closer to me than I have been in years.

I’m Still Amazed

Since June 7th, 2009, after I got my new running shoes as a reward for losing weight and reaching a mini-goal of under 90KG, I have logged over 600 Kilometers on my Nike +. SIX HUNDRED. Dudes, that’s like to running to PARIS from here!

I am still amazed! I’m a RUNNER people! I AM A RUNNER!!

After my holiday, and before my 16K in September, I am going to re-think how and when I run and set goals each month. I like what I’m doing now and it’s working just fine, but I feel a little bit willy-nilly. I’ve been doing the challenges on Blog To Lose Nike +’ers the last couple months and I am finally seeing just what I am achieving on the whole in a month’s time.

Here’s what I’ve done this year so far:
Jan 4 runs/ 21.18 KM
Feb 7 runs/ 56.04 KM
Mar 9 runs/ 84.6 KM
April 8 runs/ 54.8 KM
May 6 runs/ 72.58 KM
June 7 runs/ 65.74 KM

July will be low because of the holiday, but let’s see how I can crank it up afterwards!

Seven More Days

Seven more days and I’ll be lying next to the pool or on the beach in Crete.

There have been a LOT of changes since the last time I went on holiday with the kids and Hubs to Greece. That trip was in July 2007. We had a great time (for the most part – but there were times we weren’t thinking the kids were as cute as they look in photos; I’m sure you guys know what I mean), but I was fairly miserable in the heat, weighing around 225lbs.

I remember I had a hard time finding summer clothes. If there is one thing I really do not like, it’s being fat AND hot (and I’m not talking sexy here). I hate the way my legs would rub together. I couldn’t find a swimsuit that fit very well. I hated wearing sleeveless shirts because I didn’t like my arms. And sweating. Man could I sweat buckets. Before anyone else did. I really dread the summers when I am overweight simply because I am so uncomfortable.

Since I had like 1,372 starts, stops and re-starts since around 2005, I have had plenty of opportunities to make the summer more comfortable for myself. Only last summer did this start to happen. What with running (the C25K program), biking and bellydancing, plus the fact that I was actually finally working the Weight Watchers program, this led to more comfort and more self-confidence. Amazing how that works.

It’s taken me quite a while, which is fine, because as I was reminded this week by Mary at A Merry Life this whole thing (“journey” or whatever you want to call it) is for the rest of our lives. It’s not a must to reach numbers by a certain date, time, duration, year, whatever. This thing I’m doing has to be basically forever (and no giving up!). So yeah. It’s taken some time, but I’m now in the 70′s (78.4KG was the last weigh-in), which is pretty much where I was in 2005 when I started to really panic about my weight gain. Had I only known it would take me 4 years to get my act together!! Well, even if I had known, maybe it still wouldn’t have been enough for me to do something about it. I truly believe that no change will ever stick until you are really ready.

Here I am in Rhodos, July 2007

and here I am, today, June 2010

In seven days I will be on holiday again with the kids and Hubs. But this summer vacation will be different. I have more confidence – mainly in myself and the choices I make. In the past I was either afraid that I would screw everything up so I couldn’t enjoy things OR I would have something I “shouldn’t” and then think “screw it, I’ve already messed up today” and go on a week-long binge, only to be angry and scream to the heavens about how UNFAIR it all was (even though I did it to myself!!). At this point I actually have LEARNED something. I know about portion control (and I don’t HAVE to be afraid to NOT have my food scale with me), I know that eating a “regular” yoghurt for example, instead of a fat-free yoghurt, is actually OK. I am not going to put on 10 kilos overnight if I don’t have exactly what my past-brain required. I’ve let go of the all-or-nothing way of thinking and I’ve moved on to MODERATION with food and alcohol. Am I perfect? No. Though I’d love you all to think I was ;-)

In seven days I will actually ENJOY my vacation, the sun, my family and my LIFE. We only get one life. We may as well enjoy it. Healthy living goes way beyond just losing weight. Now that I finally get that concept I feel like the whole world has opened up to me.

So don’t be hatin’ when you think of me lying on the beach in Greece, soaking up the rays (whilst applying SPF50), or swimming in the glorious blue Mediterranean sea. Eating fresh fish, and gorgeous salads and having the occasional popsicle. Because I will be enjoying my life and reporting back to you on all the things I’ve learned while I was away. And I would almost bet money that there won’t be a serious effect on the scale and if there is? Not the end of the world!

What to do when your head space is freed up to enjoy each moment

I’ve been thinking over the past few days about how I can really make a proper schedule for myself and how to actually execute it. My “dietitian”, Hubs and my coach all mentioned that to really have a life – work balance I have to pretty much force myself into the routine that I want until it feels natural.

The dietitian said pretty much that this is where I’m going to stay if I don’t make a stronger commitment to fitness and food. Right now it’s ok. Today it’s ok. But ultimately there are fitness and health goals I would like to reach. Not numbers, but actual goals like running farther and maybe even faster, getting more sleep, choosing to eat well and have that be a real, natural choice. I can keep doing what I’m currently doing of course. There is nothing wrong with it. However, I’m not getting any younger and there are races to be run and cute running skirts to get into.

My coach suggested to find that life –work balance I need to really consider how to improve in the areas where I lose the most time. We all know where that is, don’t we? That would be the 20+ hours a week I lose in commuting. Oh what I could do with those 20 hours! At the moment I am getting up at 5 – 5.30am, but there is a possibility that I could fit my running into the mornings, then I would be up at 4.30 LATEST (probably more like 4). Um. Yeah. That’s not going to get me more sleep, that’s for sure and I’d love to use some of that commuting time for sleep! He suggested then that I find and propose a way to work from home at least one day a week. I need to think about this plan and then propose it SOONER rather than later. Putting things off doesn’t improve ones life any quicker, right?

Working from home could accomplish things also from an exercise standpoint. I could plan to always go to the gym the night before and for a run that day, since I would be home all day anyway and most certainly home before 7pm! On those days as well I obviously could sleep in a wee bit.

Hubs already made up a plan for me (he’s efficient like that) but I’m not entirely sold on it. He also suggested that I just have fixed days and if anything comes up or I have to skip running or gym, I just skip. No guilt, just moving on. No trying to make up the next day, no worrying about burning cals before or after something fun like going to the pub with my mates came up, or football (like this weekend). Just, this is the schedule and if you miss, too bad, no big deal. I like the concept, it takes off the pressure and it keeps me in the present moment. Obviously I would do what I could to keep to the schedule, but you know, life happens sometimes! One suggestion he also made is that we always go running together on Sundays. I like that too; something good for us that we are doing together.

I am going to come up with a plan for all of this very soon. I wanted to already make a commitment, but I’m being realistic now. I have exactly 10 working days left before I am on holiday and half of those days include travel to our Germany office, month-end close, figuring out who’s going to be my backup and training someone in a new role. I am not going to put the pressure on to also break my butt getting home, going to the gym, running at 4am, going to a WW meeting, etc., before then.

So. The head space is freed and more thinking will be done and a good workable solution will be in place soon. AFTER the holiday ;-)

Next!

Just wanted to report in that I had a GREAT day today.

Yesterday I had a MEGA fail at running… or so I thought and then I switched it around… You know what?  I tried!  I went out there even though I was exhausted and had a bit of a belly ache (ate too many nuts) and I TRIED as hard as I could.  That was enough!  That was what was meant to be.  I came home, I ate dinner, I laid down in the bed before 10 and I got some kip for once.

RESULT!  I felt great today!

I wore a cute colourful sundress my friend S gave me.  Like, not black.  Not other dark colours.  No comment about how I’m a goth or a rock chick or an emo.  No.  The comments were:

“WOW! you look GORGEOUS today!”

“Those colours look amazing on you!”

“You are starting to look like a real lady!”

“Hey, Skinny!”

“You look so summery today!”

“You look GREAT!”

How could I NOT freaking feel great after that?! HA!

Today I set out to have a good day.  To eat WELL.  To live WELL.  And I did that. RESULT!!!

Bring it on! LIFE is good and worth celebrating! There is no reason to feel disappointed, not motivated, unhappy or feel like a failure.  I am most definitely succeeding.   I am succeeding at what is actually most important now.  Feeling good about ME, my life, my body.  Having my mind and spirit being in alignment.  Not taking the moment for granted anymore or skipping over it to worry about the future.  There is no “When I reach goal I’ll … ” anymore.  There is just today.  And today ROCKED!

So What?

Yesterday I met with my coach – I have been going through coaching for a few months now, for work, but it’s also helping me with my personal outlook on life – and there was something that we talked about that kind of caused me to have one of those light-bulb moments.

No matter whether work or personal-related I mentioned to him how I constantly have these two voices in my head competing with one another. You know those voices? The one that says “wow, you are doing great! Your confidence is amazing! You deserve this!” and the one that retorts “You could have done better. Why didn’t you react differently? Why did you give in? No one is ever going to respect you. You don’t really deserve this.” To simplify things, we’ll call these the LEFT (good feedback voice) and RIGHT (negative feedback voice) voices.

Listening and following the LEFT voice happens often and generally creates a good atmosphere in my mind and spirit. These are the days where I feel good, I feel accomplished, and I feel like, hey, life is actually really OK, nothing to complain about here. He explained to me that this is when I’m in acceptance mode. I accept all that is my life, am ok with it and am in the present moment. When the RIGHT voice kicks in, I’m not being accepting anymore and I may be in the past, I may be comparing to others, I may be comparing to past results of something or I may be somewhere too far in the future. Everyone has these voices apparently. Top Athletes have these voices for sure as they are always striving to do better, go faster, work harder. Nothing wrong with a little drive and motivation of course, but it can affect you in a negative way as well.

I mentioned “results” above. One thing he said to me, the thing that put the light bulb on, was “You are too results oriented instead of goal oriented” In ONLY focusing on the results, i.e., “I have to hit our targets, I have to accomplish xyz before the end of the month, my team has to clear the aging before xyz” or “I should run farther in that amount of time, I am not losing weight, the number on the scale is wrong, I should be a size 42 before my birthday”, the goal actually gets lost. I’m too far into having to see that result that I’m not in the present and I’ve lost sight of what the actual goal is.

Let me put it another way. Yesterday I wrote that I was disappointed in myself for *only* running 13.5 KM in an hour and a half. Seriously???? How can I be disappointed in myself? I had a goal and it was to run for an hour and a half. I did exactly that. In that moment I achieved success of what I set my goal as. No one, anywhere, required me to go farther, faster, or break any personal records. What am I running for? For my health and for fitness. I’m not running to lose weight. I was NEVER running to lose weight. I started running because I wanted to run. I wanted to know what it felt like. I wanted to become a runner if it was possible to do so. And it was. I AM a runner! I am spending way too much time and energy outside of the present moment. Comparing myself to others who clearly have different fitness levels, different bodies, even a different age than me. I will never run like my friend M, who is 6 foot tall and has lean legs as long as most of my body, so I should stop even thinking in those terms.

So what is the goal? What am I setting out to achieve?

Yes I would like to lose weight. I would love to be one of those people who reports in an excellent loss every week but I’m just not that person. I have lost 20KG. That is nothing to shake a stick at!! I have 10 to go. So WHAT if I don’t hit that by a certain date, time or age? Am I then a failure? I think not.

I would like to be healthy and fit. And for the most part I am extremely healthy (I NEVER *knocks wood* get sick, not really) and I have no signs of any hereditary diseases like what both of my parents have (Diabetes). I quit smoking 1 ½ years ago and have absolutely no plans on ever doing that again (and it’s not conducive to running anyway). My BMI is too high, but as long as I keep working at this it’s a not issue. I am, for the most part very fit; I have rock hard muscles in my legs, my arms are really shaping up, I can feel my curves coming back to their original shape. And speaking of fitness, I can run for an hour or longer without stopping. If one is not fit, that is certainly not possible.

I want to have a life too. I want to enjoy my friends, my family and YES, I want to enjoy food and drink. I’m not going to apologise for that and I’m going to stop freaking worrying about how many hours in the gym or running I’ll have to spend to work off that session I had at the Hard Rock Café or from this upcoming football (soccer for the North Americans) and concert weekend I’m about to experience. I’m going to run and go to the gym because I WANT to and for no other reason. Sure, it helps, but I’m not going to do it because I HAVE to have RESULTS in some tangible form. What about results in the non-tangible form? Am I happy? Do I feel good? If the answer is “YES” then I have my result right there!!

I want to be in the present as much as possible. Sure the RIGHT voice will kick in now and again, but I’m going to listen more to the LEFT voice whenever possible. I feel a lot better listening to the LEFT, I’m content, I’m confident, I’m focused, I’m driven. That’s what I’m striving for. The goal is the here and now and doing the very best I can for this particular day.

The Road To Hell

Was paved with good intentions…

That’s what the past, oh, I don’t know, 10 days has been like. Lots of half-blogs written, goals jotted down, notes of “I’m going to fill-in-the-blank-here” but honestly, it’s all been just a cover-up of paving the road to hell.

Last week I was in London for work and before I left I wrote this brilliant post that I obviously did not publish about how I was going to tackle the fact that I was outside of my normal routine. I would eat well. I would use the hotel gym facilities. I would get up early and run in the Hyde Park. I would not drink tons of alcohol. Sounds like it was a great plan, right?

Fact is, I went to London on a Sunday evening with a colleague, and met up with another colleague (but also a friend, who was at my wedding, so he’s not *just* a colleague) to have dinner and *ahem* cocktails so that was basically 5 minutes into the plan before abandoning it. We made plans for breakfast the next morning and even stopped off at a convenience store for fruit supplies (so I could eat at least something when I woke up, since I am usually very hungry upon waking). The plan was: Breakfast at 7am, walking to the tube station, at work by 8.30.

The Hotel breakfast wasn’t too shabby. I managed to avoid the sticky buns and croissants and other sweet pastries that were available. I did have fruit, nuts, and protein. However, hotels seem to not take the low-to-no fat approach on anything – the yoghurt I had was full fat (and absolutely, divinely delicious), but I ate fruit and a few slices of toast and cottage cheese and I felt like that would hold me well until lunch time.

Lunches and Dinners were something else. You know how when you are with colleagues, sometimes you just pretty much go with the flow because you are not there long enough to just do your own thing. Or you are visiting another office and you don’t know what is in the area so you just follow along. That’s pretty much what I did. Two of my colleagues were around from Seattle, one was travelling with me from Amsterdam and the rest were the colleagues we went to visit. On Monday we actually went to a Thai restaurant for lunch (which, I might add, was fine for me, but my Dutch colleague was a little confused about it “What? Thai for lunch? Can’t we just get sandwiches?”) and Monday night we were in a pub for dinner. Tuesday was pub lunch and out for Italian for dinner. Wednesday was Fish and Chips (a must apparently in Jolly Old England), and dinner wasn’t really dinner at all since we were travelling back to the Netherlands (so beer at the airport with garlic bread and weird sandwiches on the plane).

I really wanted (and so did my friend from Seattle) to go for a run around the park, but there were three of us staying at the hotel and one didn’t want to eat too late so we opted to skip the workout and just go to dinner. I’m totally ok with this but it took me a little while to switch my brain from being selfish to being flexible. (On the other hand, why do I give up what I want when others aren’t always flexible with me?). I thought about using the hotel gym, but as it was I still had to get up at 6 (instead of 5) to get ready and be down for breakfast on time. I really thought I would do it Wednesday, and just order breakfast for in my room, but again, I gave up the selfishness and decided against it at the last-minute. Besides, Tuesday we went on the London Eye Experience and got back around 10.30pm. Not super conducive for getting up early, working out, packing the suitcase, eating breakfast and getting to work by 8.30 (considering the gym only opened at 6.30).

Thursday I tried to get back to normal, but wasn’t very prepared food-wise. That evening I ended up home just after 8pm, dropped by the supermarket and “accidentally” bought a bag of m&m’s. Hey they were the special “Oranje” ones to celebrate the World Cup. Obviously I *had* to buy them!

Friday things were fairly ok, but still had wine and m&m’s in the evening. I thought I would go for a run, but I was “too tired”

Saturday I was meeting with friends in Amsterdam. At the Hard Rock Café. No self-respecting patron of the HRC goes without having cocktails, a big-ass cheeseburger, fries and onion rings whilst at the establishment! Did I exercise before I went to off-set the damage? Oh hell no!

Wow. Check out all the excuses I had the last week!

On Sunday I *finally* ran. It was ok. 13.5KM in 93 minutes (that was 5 min warm-up, 85 min running, 3 minute cool-down). I’m not super impressed with myself right now though. There should be MORE kilometers in that time. It just seems like I can do BETTER now.

Sometimes I feel like I should be doing more, doing better, achieving more results. The results are not really showing physically on my body at the moment and that is frustrating, though I really strive to keep a good perspective on the whole thing. I guess once in a while I just feel like I have nothing to report and am one of “those” bloggers who just talk a lot and have nothing to show. I wish I could report every week what a great loss I had or that I ran more, faster, longer. But I can’t. So this is what you get. The real, honest-to-goodness-yes-I-make-tons-of-mistakes Pinky. One day you will see me reach my goals. Not just the number on the scale either. I hope you will stick around that long. It could take a while.

Where was I?

Oh, yeah.  That Project I was working on.  The exercise. The food.

I seem to have run out of steam.

And isn’t that funny, right after I finally broke under 80 Kilos.

Right after I went on a fabulous shopping trip, that scored me clothes that really show off how far I’ve come so far on this trip I’ve been on.

Right after I ran for 2 hours.

Right after I had been so diligent in tracking, weighing, measuring.

Right after my major epiphany that I honestly feel good about myself, that I’m OK with how things are going, not just physically but emotionally as well.

For the first time in weeks I did NOT take full advantage of the time I had to have a work out.

So, I’m tired and I need to take care of that.  Today I also ate completely out of whack.  At least tomorrow that will be back to normal.  If I get a decent night’s kip I think my energy level will be back too.  The plan, the project, the dedication continues, it’s just had a little blip.   This is LIFE, right?  It’s never perfect all the time.

I still need to tell you guys all about that Blog Award I received too -  and I will definitely do that very soon!