I find quite often that I’m conflicted in my head about food, treats, eating, not eating, being denied something, etc. I mean, in essence, food is sustenance, right?
So when we feel like we are being denied, we go through this sort of argument in our heads about why we “deserve” it, or on the other side of it, how it’s so “unfair” that others can have it and we can’t.
I remember when I was a kid – my brother was considered “hyperactive” at the time (which I think nowadays would be ADHD or something like that) and so the advise given to my mother was no sweets, no sugar, no white flour, no, well, anything tasty basically.
It seemed only fair that I also have none of these things. I mean, if he can’t have it, surely his sister can not have it either.
Around the time of the great sugar and white flour elimination, I remember two things distinctly happening, but right now I’m only going to talk about a major one: My mother joined Weight Watchers, maybe for the first time, at least the first time that I remember.
My mother being on Weight Watchers showed me her distaste at herself and her body trough her daily struggle with food and seeing herself as overweight. I saw her do really well some days and then binge on other days or just give up after a week or two on plan, only to start over again. This was the example of self-loathing I seem to have picked up. There were other things going on as well that somehow led me to hating what I saw of my own reflection in the mirror. And here’s where I somehow turned to eating. Mind you, I was 10 years old at the time, I’m 41 now…
Somehow or another I took to going to the bakery near the school and spending my lunch money on boxes of Little Debbie’s, Ding-dong’s, Ho-Ho’s and Twinkies.
And I learned also how to eat these alone or in secret, because I certainly wasn’t allowed to have these at home.
I got a bit older and I started thinking even more about my weight. I thought I was fat in high school. I understand now that I was not. But I remember lunches being pizza and chocolate and definitely not “horrible” high school cafeteria food because it just wasn’t cool to eat in the cafeteria! When I was old enough to have friends who had a car, we would go to Wendy’s and eat from the salad bar (because salad was healthy and all my friends seemed to think they were fat), have a Frosty n’ Fries and then talk about how fat and disgusting we all were and how we were going to lose weight.
I left high school and lived on my own. I discovered I could eat as much junk as possible because it was MY life and MY money and MY apartment. I lived in Chicago then and I ate as much and as often as I could. Even being on a budget it was easy to eat well. Or at least eat “tasty”. I’m pretty sure I had no concept of nutrition then. No, as a matter of fact, I didn’t.
So a few things changed – I gained quite a few pounds before I was 21 and then lost it shortly before leaving Chicago for Portland. I did this by going “vegetarian”. I’d like to clarify that being a vegetarian does not mean you eat only pasta, pizza, drink tons of espresso and smoke cigarettes. Just because I didn’t eat animals didn’t mean that I was eating well (and I have to say *most* of the diet was espresso and smokes). And as I got a little older I did learn a bit about nutrition and the value of exercise because I joined Weight Watchers for the first time in 1992.
The whole point of all of this is – I’ve done all of the things I could possibly do to abuse food and abuse myself with food. I’ve eaten sweets and cakes and candies and the best pizza in the world and delectable savoury foods from several different countries. I’ve eaten cookies in secret, shoved chocolate down my throat when having a bad day, drank myself silly. And really, it’s like being a spoiled child. A brat throwing herself on the floor having a tantrum.
It’s time to grow up. There is a time and place for “treats” and then there is a time and place to be realistic. There are people who are sick, who are truly hungry and I’m throwing a mental tantrum in my head because “it’s not fair that other people can have it”? It’s not about being fair. It’s about treating food and my body with respect. Whatever the reasons I have done those things in the past, they are no longer valid. I will NOT self-medicate, not with food or drink. I will NOT feel sorry for myself because I only have carrots and other people have fries. I will NOT compromise my health and well-being one second longer. I’m a grown woman, it’s time to stop being such a baby.
I have a few goals this week – My WW online program weigh-in date has been changed to Wednesdays, which means my points start all over again tomorrow. Here they are:
1) I WILL track every single day
2) from this Wednesday to next (6th – 13th) I will run at least 1 time, and do some other form of exercise, minimum 20 mins every single day
3) I will join the gym, to train for 12K end of March (done!)
4) I am shooting for a loss of 1KG
82.3 (so, yeah, I’m up)
Measurements, taken Saturday 2nd January:
Waist: 93 cm/ 36 inches
Hips: 112 cm / 44 inches
Thighs: L + R 53 cm/ 21 inches
Calves: 40cm / 16 inches
Upper arms: L + R 32 cm/ 12.5 inches
Bust: 104 cm/ 41 inches
Neck: 34.5 cm/ 14 inches