This week?  Much, much better. 

First off, last week I said

So, how about a do-over. How about just a couple of things:
1) I will go to Zumba on Tuesday night and gym on Thursday
2) I will track at least 3 days this week
3) I will finally weigh-in again on Saturday 30th Jan. I did w/i yesterday, 82.4KG. I don’t even know if there is any change there or not.

I DID go to Zumba on Tuesday and it kicked my cellulitus to the curb.
I did NOT go to gym on Thursday. Instead I ran. Hubs was interested in going running again so I took advantage of that.
I DID track 3 days. But just barely.
I DID weigh in this morning: 81.8 KG. That’s a loss of 600 gr or about 1.3 lbs. Whew!

Something else I did? I signed up for the Zandvoort Circuit Run (link is in Dutch) - a 12KM loop that will take place on 28th March. There is no turning back now, I am GOING to do this! So I need to get it in gear and quick because I’ve never actually run a full 12KM before (10 was my max). 2 KM is actually on the beach, and one of my friends lives very close so I’ll go and train with him a few times to get a feel for sand running.

I feel like I ate really well, dealt with stress fairly well and got *just* enough sleep.  So overall I’d say this week was a success.

This week I’d like to:
1) track at least 3 days. a FULL three days.
2) go to the gym at least twice
3) go for a run at least twice
4) see another loss on the scale next Saturday

This past week, one of my favourite WW Bloggers and All-Around Glamour Girl *Bitch Cakes* mentioned me on her blog which in turn got me a lot of hits on my blog.

However, I must be very boring, because with over 130 hits, not one comment.  Why is that? What is it that people want? What inspires you to actually comment on someone’s blog and well, life, actually?

And I have “met” so many lovely people on Twitter and through other weight loss blogs and I’m feeling like I didn’t quite make the cut to be with the cool kids.  To be very honest, I know what I’m thinking and feeling is a little odd and childish… and admittedly most of this blogging shit stuff is for me to be accountable, to get stuff out, to see my own progress, work out my way of thinking, etc. and that’s cool.  But I was hoping at some point to have more of a support group.  Perhaps I’m doing it wrong or looking in the wrong place?

Or perhaps all of this is just a cover up for something else?  I remember talking to Hubs this week and we were discussing success and failure.  I can tell you that a lot goes through my mind when thinking about these two things (and funnily enough, it was also mentioned on a TwoFitChicks Podcast I heard last week) and I get extremely emotional when actually discussing the subjects.  Hubs was saying that he would never aspire to be a runner, that he just wants to go running to get rid of the 5KG he put on in the last 6 months.  I said I really wanted to become a runner.  That running to me and actually finishing a run or a work out that I set up for myself, makes me feel like a success.  I don’t feel successful in other areas.  In fact in most areas of my life I feel like a failure.  This, of course, is not reality (Of course I’ve had successes in my life, I just tend to forget them 99% of the time).  Just talking about it made me get a lump in my throat and want to cry.  Anyway, that’s another blog that I am going to open up about, just not right now.

Even if I want this to be a place where I can write whatever I want and be honest and open and write out my own history as it’s happening, I still want to have people accept me, “follow” me, comment, say “hey, great job!” and with 130 hits and not even a “hey”, well, it feels kind of like a let down.  Like, I’m 12 again and it’s only me and the deaf kids left over to be picked for PE basketball teams.

Don’t get me wrong. I got a few comments last week and I’m grateful.  I’m talking about the 130 hits. 

Anyway.  Enough Verbal Vomit. Maybe It’s the moon. Or the Stars. Or the planets. Or, whatever.  Sometimes I’m just a mess in my head.

I noticed that the blog was also hit with searches in Dutch, for the Weight Watchers ProPoints Plan.  I am happy to answer any questions.  Als uw iets wil weten over het programma, laat maar een comment achter - ik vind het leuk te proberen een antwoord te geven. 

I find quite often that I’m conflicted in my head about food, treats, eating, not eating, being denied something, etc.  I mean, in essence, food is sustenance, right?

So when we feel like we are being denied, we go through this sort of argument in our heads about why we “deserve” it, or on the other side of it, how it’s so “unfair” that others can have it and we can’t.

I remember when I was a kid – my brother was considered “hyperactive” at the time (which I think nowadays would be ADHD or something like that) and so the advise given to my mother was no sweets, no sugar, no white flour, no, well, anything tasty basically.

It seemed only fair that I also have none of these things.  I mean, if he can’t have it, surely his sister can not have it either.

Around the time of the great sugar and white flour elimination, I remember two things distinctly happening, but right now I’m only going to talk about a major one:  My mother joined Weight Watchers, maybe for the first time, at least the first time that I remember.

My mother being on Weight Watchers showed me her distaste at herself and her body trough her daily struggle with food and seeing herself as overweight.  I saw her do really well some days and then binge on other days or just give up after a week or two on plan, only to start over again. This was the example of self-loathing I seem to have picked up.  There were other things going on as well that somehow led me to hating what I saw of my own reflection in the mirror. And here’s where I somehow turned to eating.  Mind you, I was 10 years old at the time, I’m 41 now…

Somehow or another I took to going to the bakery near the school and spending my lunch money on boxes of Little Debbie’s, Ding-dong’s, Ho-Ho’s and Twinkies.

And I learned also how to eat these alone or in secret, because I certainly wasn’t allowed to have these at home.

I got a bit older and I started thinking even more about my weight.  I thought I was fat in high school.  I understand now that I was not. But I remember lunches being pizza and chocolate and definitely not “horrible” high school cafeteria food because it just wasn’t cool to eat in the cafeteria!  When I was old enough to have friends who had a car, we would go to Wendy’s and eat from the salad bar (because salad was healthy and all my friends seemed to think they were fat), have a Frosty n’ Fries and then talk about how fat and disgusting we all were and how we were going to lose weight.

I left high school and lived on my own.  I discovered I could eat as much junk as possible because it was MY life and MY money and MY apartment.  I lived in Chicago then and I ate as much and as often as I could.  Even being on a budget it was easy to eat well.  Or at least eat “tasty”.  I’m pretty sure I had no concept of nutrition then. No, as a matter of fact, I didn’t.

So a few things changed – I gained quite a few pounds before I was 21 and then lost it shortly before leaving Chicago for Portland.  I did this by going “vegetarian”.  I’d like to clarify that being a vegetarian does not mean you eat only pasta, pizza, drink tons of espresso and smoke cigarettes.  Just because I didn’t eat animals didn’t mean that I was eating well (and I have to say *most* of the diet was espresso and smokes).  And as I got a little older I did learn a bit about nutrition and the value of  exercise because I joined Weight Watchers for the first time in 1992.

The whole point of all of this is – I’ve done all of the things I could possibly do to abuse food and abuse myself with food.  I’ve eaten sweets and cakes and candies and the best pizza in the world and delectable savoury foods from several different countries.  I’ve eaten cookies in secret, shoved chocolate down my throat when  having a bad day, drank myself silly.  And really, it’s like being a spoiled child.  A brat throwing herself on the floor having a tantrum.

It’s time to grow up. There is a time and place for “treats” and then there is a time and place to be realistic.  There are people who are sick, who are truly hungry and I’m throwing a mental tantrum in my head because “it’s not fair that other people can have it”?   It’s not about being fair.  It’s about treating food and my body with respect.  Whatever the reasons I have done those things in the past, they are no longer valid.  I will NOT self-medicate, not with food or drink.  I will NOT feel sorry for myself because I only have carrots and other people have fries.  I will NOT compromise my health and well-being one second longer.  I’m a grown woman, it’s time to stop being such a baby. 

I have a few goals this week – My WW online program weigh-in date has been changed to Wednesdays, which means my points start all over again tomorrow. Here they are:

1) I WILL track every single day
2) from this Wednesday to next (6th – 13th) I will run at least 1 time, and do some other form of exercise, minimum 20 mins every single day
3) I will join the gym, to train for 12K end of March (done!)
4) I am shooting for a loss of 1KG

Today’s weigh-in:
82.3 (so, yeah, I’m up)

Measurements, taken Saturday 2nd January:

Waist: 93 cm/ 36 inches
Hips: 112 cm / 44 inches
Thighs: L + R 53 cm/ 21 inches
Calves: 40cm / 16 inches
Upper arms: L + R 32 cm/ 12.5 inches
Bust: 104 cm/ 41 inches
Neck: 34.5 cm/ 14 inches