You’ll find me in Da Club because it’s my birthday!
in Rome baby – back on Sunday!
03
Sep 2010
02
Sep 2010
Here’s the verdict on August:
1) Food journal every single day. Whether online, on paper, on post-it notes, whatever. Every day journaling. Everything consumed.
Didn’t fully happen. I did journal a lot though, which led to my ultimate frustration, point counting, numbers, being hungry, etc.
2) Gym twice a week.
Garrrrrr! I went once. This has to stop.
3) Running: 85 KM this month.
I ran almost 95KM this month!!!
4) Add some really good things to my victory log
I added a few things – but I would like to be more focused on the good outcomes of each day.
5) Read another book
Picked a book. Carried around said book. Didn’t read book.
6) Take my measurements (but don’t get on the scale!)
Got on the scale and took measurements. Bones of Contention. Shifting focus.
7) Make at least one new recipe I’ve been meaning to try for the last bazillion years.
ha! well, *I* didn’t, but Hubs did. Does that count?
8 ) Write to my grandmother
Good Intentions…
9) Make appointment for my new tattoo
September 18th for my consult! YES!
10) Visit both of my girlfriends who just had a baby.
Had plans with both, one had to cancel, the other one I got to see and meet her new little fella!!
September goals are coming and a recap of my conversation with Thor – whom I recommend you follow on twitter – and Ellie, my Weight Watchers leader.
29
Aug 2010
I didn’t get the memo otherwise…
This whole past week has been on long bitch session. Every single day fighting with my body and it’s hunger. Thinking about how long it’s been since I actually lost any significant amount of weight. Today I even did my measurements and there is no change. HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE? I really have no idea. Maybe I’m measuring totally wrong. I don’t know. I specifically went out yesterday to by a new measuring tape (since I can’t find my old one) and then no change. I don’t get it. I’ve run. I’ve biked. I’ve walked. I’ve gone to the gym. My clothes are fitting fine. I bought new boots yesterday (and it’s been years since I could get a pair of boots over my calves. All of these things are GOOD THINGS. That I am not complaining about. That I am PROUD of.
However, I have EVERY RIGHT to be pissed that my numbers haven’t changed. I KNOW that it’s not the be all and end all. I think I rock and am totally awesome 90% of the time. The other 10% is important too. I AM STILL IN AN OVERWEIGHT BMI CATEGORY PEOPLE!! That means where I’m at now, with my weight, and fat percentage is not completely healthy. I am about getting healthy here and with a BMI of 29, I am officially NOT healthy.
After tracking all week – with the exception of the 3 glasses of wine I had on Friday night – I discovered that I was over ProPoints by an ENTIRE DAYS WORTH of points. That’s not normal. Or at least it doesn’t look normal. The only thing that was outside my normal, healthy way of eating last week was the BBQ I went to. I just guessed at the points and maybe I overestimated. Better to think “over” than under, right?
I have to say, from all my complaining, I got so many great suggestions via Twitter and also email. I can’t tell you all how much I appreciate that! And as I complained that I am not losing weight, I did get on the scale on Saturday (my new weigh in day) and I lost 900 grams (2 lbs). You see? I lost 900 grams from all the bitching and moaning I did this week! Hubs set up our scale so I could look at a few other numbers as well.
I don’t fully understand it, but my scale measures body fat, moisture, Resting Metabolic Rate, Basal Metabolic Rate, Muscle Mass Percentage and bone weight. I’ve amateurishly pasted together two photos for your viewing pleasure (hey, I DID say amateurishly):
To break it down:
weight: 79.5KG
Moisture: 48.6% (“good” is 40-60% “excellent” is over 60%)
Fat: 33.5%
Muscle:31.2%
RMR: 1517 calories needed if I just laid in my bed all day
BMR: 2478 calories needed based on my activity level to maintain my current weight
Bone mass in KG: 8.7 (don’t really understand this, since when Hubs did his, it said 120KG???)
So, this explains why I am often hungry. My body requires a lot of calories to maintain my current weight. And just to be clear:
YES it’s real hunger.
NO I’m not thirsty, but I do still drink about 3 litres of water per day
YES I eat a protein rich diet
YES I load up on veggies and I eat the recommended amount of fruit servings a day
I think it’s also important to note that I do not have cravings. Not for anything at all. Not for sweets, not for chocolate, not for cakes, not even for burritos or pizza. When I want junk it’s for purely emotional reasons. I am totally aware of this. I don’t make excuses either, but I don’t need to, because I rarely do it. At the BBQ for example, I wanted the things that I eaten for the “emotional” reason of not having had those things in so long, but I STILL ate those things in moderation. So. Yeah. Again, maybe I overestimated the ProPoints on those items, but it’s hard to tell. Usually I don’t even eat cookies, for example, so I don’t even know how many points they actually have.
I mentioned it before, but in case you are just joining me, I think part of the reason I’m hungry is also because I am up and awake for many, many hours a day. My stomach schedule goes something like this:
5am – out of the bed after 2 snoozes, usually hungry
drink water and prepare lunch and snacks, shower, start getting ready for work
6am - eat breakfast. I used to eat things like eggs/egg whites with veggies, then the dietitian I saw at the gym told me I shouldn’t do that, that I should eat Swedish Crackers (knackebrood) instead. So I started eating that with light cream cheese and cucumber or with a slice of chicken on top. This week I got several suggestions for oatmeal with peanut butter and banana and that I would be “filled up for hours” and while I find it extremely tasty there is no real change in hunger.
8am – not quite at work yet. Start to feel a bit hungry on the train. Drink water.
9am – arrive in the office, have a milky coffee drink. Hungry.
10.30am – really feeling hungry now, take a break and go get a very large herbal tea.
11am – ravenous. Have a piece of fruit.
11.15am – Oh my god, is it lunch yet???
12.00 noon – about to fall over or kill someone who is in my way to the lunch room. Eat one or two sandwiches depending on what else I have to eat (a salad maybe), usually load with twice the amount of veggies as the bread weighs. Feeling much better now.
somewhere between 2 – 3pm – starting to get that feeling in my tummy again. Drink water or have another tea.
4pm - yep it’s that time again… fruit with cottage cheese will help.
5pm - leave the office. And I’m hungry again.
5.30pm – on the train. If it’s not too busy and I get the chance I’ll eat my Fage 0% Yoghurt, fruit (blueberries, strawberries and a mandarin) and almonds. If it’s really busy and I don’t have a seat to myself for a while, I’ll wait and maybe eat just a mandarin, drink water (though I hate to do this at this stage in the day, because I drink so much I’m in the loo every 45 minutes. My commute is two hours. That means I’m bursting anyway by the time I get home), or chew some gum.
7pm – home. and…Hungry!!!
8pm - dinner. Usually something with rice, meat (chicken, turkey) or fish, and a vegetable. Sometimes couscous instead of rice. Hubs cooks and has Weight Watcherized his recipes.
If we run, we have a snack (was a peanut butter sandwich, but I’ve gotten some new great suggestions now), we run, we eat later, like 9 or 9.30pm even.
10.30pm bedtime. If I’ve eaten at 9.30 I will wait until 11pm.
So, if you’ve gotten through all that, I thank you 
You can see for yourself I’m getting around 6 hours of sleep each night.
OK. How about something different now?
I had a goal this month to run 85KM. I have definitely achieved this goal with my run today. I had a “meh” run on Friday – I was just tired and my legs weren’t having it – and I really wanted to go out and do 16KM so my brain could register that I CAN DO THIS. Our 16KM run that we are participating in is in just 3 weeks. Between now and then there isn’t tons of training time, so I wanted to be sure that I could do it under two hours. For the challenge I’m participating in on Nike+, I was 4th place on Friday; I’ve now moved up to 2nd place.
I think I’m fairly awesome. I wanted to quit this week. Like seriously give Weight Watchers the old Fuh Q but I decided against it. I didn’t even want to try my run on Friday and I got out there and did it anyway. I tried many of the suggestions that people gave me. I decided actually that I’m not going to quit. I may not track points for a while but I’m not going to give up on myself. Weight Watchers still teaches me about moderation and portion size and I need that. For the fabulous Drop Dead Gorgeous by December challenge I took the following photo:
I WILL never give up!!!!
Category: Body, Exercise, Food, Mind, Weight Watchers
Tags: Challenges, fabulousness, Hunger, Life, Monthly Goals, ProPoints, Running 8 Comments
24
Aug 2010
I have the hunger again.
Whenever I run it’s normally at least 6KM and anywhere up to 12KM. This number is going to increase. That’s a given. Especially since I have a 16K in just 4+ week’s time.
I can not eat enough. I’m hungry. I’m hungry before I run. I’m hungry after. And the next day? Oh my god, I can’t eat enough.
Thing is I don’t know what to eat.
I’ve done different combinations – like smoothies with fruit and almonds, peanut butter sandwiches, banana and cottage cheese, or even just having some chicken lunch meat. Before and after runs. This in addition to my normal everyday food.
I don’t know what to eat.
The next day – because often runs are at night – I am ravenous. Yesterday I really wanted to be within my points, so I started off with a small breakfast like I normally have (some Swedish crackers, light Philadelphia cream cheese, and some roast beef) – and I was working from home, so breakfast was at 9am – by 11:30 my stomach was rumbling so loud I thought the neighbours might come over and ask if there was construction going on in my apartment. I then decided to have a pretty bulky lunch – 2 eggs, 2 egg whites, spinach, tomato, mushrooms and feta cheese scrambled. I ate slowly, even though I was hungry enough to have scarfed it down. Within 30 minutes my stomach was rumbling again! Later I had a sandwich with low-fat cheese and chicken lunch meat and some cucumber to bulk it up and before dinner another cracker with some peanut butter. I felt like I could have eaten the whole day and never really been satisfied.
I got very little sleep the night before – in fact the reason I worked from home was because I literally slept a half an hour before my alarm went off. Sometimes I wonder if lack of sleep leads to being hungry.
I drank lots of water. I remembered what so many people have said “Maybe you are not hungry, maybe you are just thirsty”. This really didn’t help. Well, at least I got my water in, right?
I know I’m not a seasoned runner and I don’t run bazillions of miles/kilometers a week, but I’m doing at least 20KM a week, trying to run minimum 2 if not 3 times a week.
I want to eat to fuel myself for running, but I want to lose weight as well! It seems I can not have both.
My regular argument with myself over the scale numbers not being the be all and end all is in full swing over here, people. I DON’T WANT TO WEIGH 80 KILOGRAMS!!! I want to be LESS. I don’t need to be skinny, I’m not asking for that. No matter what anyone says I AM STILL IN THE OVERWEIGHT CATEGORY. I don’t want that.
Yes I know I need to be patient. I have to keep trying to find what works, but throw me a bone here universe, will you? I need help. I don’t know what to eat anymore. I don’t eat junk, I eat all my fruits and vegetables, I drink all my water, I get my dairy and good fats in. What else am I supposed to do?
I don’t vary eating much during the week. Here’s a typical workday:
Breakfast: 2 Swedish Crackers with something on them: filet americain, Philadelphia light, chicken or roast beef, coffee
Snack: large non-fat latte at work (with 1 pump sugar free vanilla), some fruit if I’m hungry before lunch
Lunch: two slices of brown bread, some sort of lunch meat, filler veggies (tomato or cucumber), “greek” salad – 2 tomatoes, cucumber, red onion, feta cheese, olive oil, balsamic vinegar
Snacks: cottage cheese, banana, yoghurt with berries and almonds
Dinner: usually something chicken or fish, always veggies and sometimes rice or couscous
How do you fuel yourself as a runner? Have you also lost weight very slowly because of running?
21
Aug 2010
This is the third time I’ve attempted to make a blog post.
Two days ago I I wrote a whingey little baby post. I may as well have filmed myself lying on the ground having a temper tantrum.
One day ago I wrote something that was a bit more grown up. I meant to post it and I didn’t. It’s irrelevant now.
Let’s see if I can do this today.
So, yeah, I was a bit annoyed/angry at the Social Media world, particularly Twitter, which I have two profiles for. Why do I? Well I don’t want to talk weight loss, food, etc. on my “normal” profile. Main reasons are 1) I don’t want to alienate non-WL people and 2) there are colleagues on the profile (like BigWig colleagues, but also regular dudes). I don’t think they need to be blatantly directed to my blog, do you? Nah. Didn’t think so.
My twitter profile that connects me to so many WL, healthy living and runner people is who I reach out to in the good and the bad times. So, for example, in the good, it would nice to be acknowledged for that. When I say I ran my 100th run since I got my Nike + it would be nice to get a “WHOO HOO”. When I explain how many kilometers and then calculate what that is in miles for people who don’t know they can google that information how to translate that into their own “language” , it would be nice to get a “Great job!”. When I demonstrate, for the visual people, what that means in distance from here to Dijon, France, it would be cool to get a “WOW” back. When you have followers that have 3,672 followers themselves, well, you become invisible. Unless you are a cool kid. Which I am not because I bitch too much and don’t blow smoke up people’s arses. I think my posts about my running just got lost in all of the other posts and therefore no one really had a chance or took the chance to say anything.
So that’s my whinge. Done and Dusted. Don’t take offence, I’m not talking about the people who regularly interact with me. I love you guys. I just sometimes feel like I did when I was in High School and I don’t want to feel that way. Twitter is just interwebz people (*ahem* Renée), it’s not High School, regardless of the cliques out there.
After going through that whole thing, all the emotions attached, etc., I realised.
It doesn’t matter. It just doesn’t matter. I KNOW for myself how fecking cool it is to have run already 685 kilometres. I know what my leg muscles look and feel like now and I know that I am MILES (no KILOMETERS 
) ahead of where I was one year ago. So yeah, ROCK ON Pinky!!
What is in my head, where these emotions come from, is the damage leftover from surviving my childhood. We didn’t get a lot of “great job” and “I knew you could do it”‘s. No. In fact my parents still don’t really get that kids need that (and yes, at 41, I am still someone’s kid who is hoping deep down for just a tiny bit of praise) I want to get to a point mentally and emotionally where it doesn’t matter anymore!.
I will probably still rant and rave from time to time, but at least I know who my real tweeps are out there, eh? I’m glad there are several of you who put up with me.
So without further adieu (haha! a little French for you since I “ran” to France):
100 Runs so Far (since June 2009)
I went and got the Mustard (get it? Dijon? hahaha. Yeah a real comedienne)
A few other updates.
1) I’m not tracking! DOH!! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME??
2) I did not manage 30 days without the scale (challenge FAIL!) AND I gained weight. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME??
3) I have not started reading my book yet even though I picked it out. Garrrr!
4) I have not written to my grandmother.
5) I HAVE made my appointment for my tattoo consult.
6) I have 30 KM to run to reach my goal this month (but I have 9 days so it will happen)
I need to get it together. I am so affected by stress (work stress) and this is the result. Me. Flailing around and not being in control.
I signed up for Jess’ Drop Dead Gorgeous by Decemberr challenge. Not that I’m not already drop dead gorgeous, but, you know… I guess I better fully read the rules of the challenge since it starts tomorrow, eh?
What do you do when you don’t get the acknowledgment that you admit you need? Do you suck it up and find it within yourself?
How do you handle all of your followers/ followees? Do you ever feel invisible?
Category: Body, Mind, Self
Tags: Challenges, fabulousness, Life, Monthly Goals, Raving like a loon, Running, Weigh-In 18 Comments
15
Aug 2010
I never really have a full look at myself at home – I took this after staying in Utrecht after a night out with Colleagues (was easier to get a hotel than try to get home; our station is closed and there are only buses for the last 30KM of the journey)
Feeling particularly positive one morning waiting for the train – could have been the sunshine!
On our way to Castlefest last weekend
I love taking pics of me and Hubs
What’s a Medieval Festival without Mead??
Delicious garlic bread available at the festival. Huge chunks of raw garlic were consumed!
Hubs brought Raki. It was necessary I guess.
It rained – HARD. For HOURS.
Medieveal Food. This had to be a Tyrannosaurus Rex leg!
Of course you also need beer, right?
And Fried Apple Thingees
Back to work – photo at Sloterdijk station
Cool slanted mirror – found in Arnhem
Reading to go biking – normally I do not expose my legs like this, but I took the opportunity to get over the bullshit in my head!
Bikes had to go on the train from Oosterbeek to Ede, to get a train to Utrecht, to meet our friends from Den Haag!
On the bus home from the 60+KM cycled around Utrecht
14
Aug 2010
I had this great post written for you guys (on my work laptop) and really have had no time to put it all together. Here’s some highlights of the last week:
Food at the Festival: could have been worse. could have been better. did I have a great time? YES! We did stay a wee bit active as we rented bikes to go to and from the festival instead of driving. Approx 8 KM Friday, Saturday, Sunday. did not run or go to hotel gym.
Gym: Haven’t been.
Running: Ran Monday. Was a GREAT run, felt good! Twisted my knee a bit after I got home. Hence no gym and no further running. Knee is feeling better now, but had it in a compression bandage for a few days.
Food: Tracked until… Wednesday afternoon. Haven’t tracked since then. Not on paper or online journal anyway. Was thinking about it this morning and realised that I don’t track as well if I’m out of my schedule OR if I have stress. Wednesday I worked from home (out of my regular routine) and I had quite a bit of stress at work this week. I also have been very hungry, but I put that on hormones (which also were a bit “elevated” let’s say this week).
Reading: Picked a book – Club Dead (3rd of the Sookie Stackhouse series), haven’t started reading it yet.
Writing: No letter to grams yet.
Scale: Been very tempted. Why I’m tempted during a more eating, stress, hormonal period I will never know.
Victory Log: did have a sweet victory on Thursday; am going to update that right now.
Appointment for my tattoo: Am going to make that damn appointment! I’m running out of cash though so I’ll do it for end of the month (after the bankroll comes in).
What else? Going on an epic bike ride now, will only have my blackberry but I’ll try to get some pics!
Have a great weekend!
06
Aug 2010
and more “Can I get a ‘Woot! ‘Woot!’?”
It’s six days into the new month, I’m feeling strong, positive, happy!
Today I officially start my weekend. We’re going “away” (to Lisse) for the weekend for Castlefest – staying in a hotel and hanging out at the festival, spotting hobbits and witches and drinking Mead til all hours of the night with friends. Should totally ROCK! (Hmmmm, how do I count medieval food??? ha!).
Hotel has a gym… hubs “jokingly” said we were running this weekend as well… we shall see about that! We are renting bikes though, to get to a from the festival grounds and to the grocery store for snacks (so we won’t come home with a medieval wallet) so I’ll be active enough. I am bringing gym stuff just in case.
Here’s Week One of August Tracking Results so far:
KM’s for this week (from the August challenge on Nike +)
I’m in Second Place in case you couldn’t figure that one out!
I have not made it to the gym twice – I opted for some sleep this morning, though my original plan was to go.
I picked out a book yesterday and then found out it was in Dutch (which is fine, but I want to read a book this MONTH, not be 87 years old when I finally finish it).
So. That’s the update so far! I feel pretty pleased with this first week!
Category: Exercise, Fun Stuff, Self
Tags: fabulousness, Monthly Goals, Positivity, update 4 Comments
05
Aug 2010
I think it’s fairly normal when we make big plans or set goals for ourselves that we start off with a real BANG! Right? Being an all or nothing personality type, this is at least what I do, but I do want to change and be that person that succeeds more or less at their goals. I can’t tell you how many times (because I simply can not count that high) I have started out with a bang and then petered out after a few days.
It’s different now. I don’t want to just talk about it. I want to DO it.
I think you get to a certain point in your life where you just say “enough is enough! I’m going to have the best possible life that I can!” Maybe it’s an age thing. Maybe it’s a one-too-many-negative-experiences thing. Maybe it’s a realization that you’ve wasted so much precious time that you can never, ever get back. Never.
I was talking to a colleague yesterday – he wants to lose 10 pounds before going back to the US on holiday (he’s also an American living in the Netherlands) and we were discussing different ways of losing weight, things to do, “things to don’t” (as Hubs would say) and it came down to this: “Being overweight is not a problem, it’s a symptom of something else”. Oh my God, how true is this?!
How many of us have lost weight only to gain it again? How many have been on some form or another of diet since we were teenagers or younger? And WHY is that? Moreover, WHY does it take so long to sink in that we have to change the CORE before we can actually change the outside?
I’ve talked about it before; my issues with my body started when I was 10. Someone made the sick decision to choose to molest me (and I’m sure I wasn’t the only one) which changed my life forever. Forever, people! Because guess what, there was nothing wrong with me then! I was a young girl, not fat, not ugly, not disgusting. None of those things that I saw in the mirror after that happened. None of those things that I have repeated back to myself for the last 30 years.
I watched my mother berate herself. Abuse herself with food and then turn around and go on a diet. Oh, so this is how it works? I’m supposed to hate my body? Well, ok!
My friends as well. We think that we are affecting the teenagers nowadays with all of our dieting and “perfect body” messages nowadays? Trust me; we were already becoming fucked up in our own way 25 years ago! I don’t recall any one of my friends growing up who didn’t have some sort of issue with their body. Too fat. Too thin. On a diet. Secretly throwing up. Secret eating. Yeah. I don’t need their confirmation to be almost 100% certain we were all affected in some way.
So what am I going to do now? I’m not going for just the outside. I’m not going to just cure the symptom. I’m going for the whole disease. I’m going to change the core. I’m not going to be negative about my body. Not ONE MORE DAY.
What I AM is beautiful, strong, funny, smart, sexy.
What I AM is successful, talented, creative, and a great friend.
What I AM is someone who DOES what she SAYS.
I am a believer. In myself!
All of my goals for the day, the week, the month, the year – there are no doubts that I can accomplish these things.
The core has to be changed. The symptoms will then go away. There will be no more struggling. There will be awareness. There will be no excuses.
It’s early days as far as my monthly goals go, but I have to say I feel so positive, so empowered. Day 5 of my goals, Day 11 of the 30-day No Scale Challenge and there is no feeling of failure. There is no “need” to ask the scale to tell me how to feel today. I’m doing this. It’s early days, but this is the CORE work now.
03
Aug 2010
Recently I read on Mind Over Mayo this great post “Success Breeds Confidence” and thought I would also break out my August Goals in the same way:
1) Define Your Goal – as I posted here, all my goals for August are defined.
2) List the benefits:
a. Food journaling:: with tracking I can actually be more aware of what I am eating, how much and WHY and stop stress eating before it happens.
b. Gym twice a week:: to see changes after being more committed to my new weight circuit program and to get my money’s worth (EUR 43 per month).
c. Benefits of Running and having a KM goal:: conisistent build-up and readiness for the 16KM Dam tot Damloop in September
d. My Victory Log is beneficial to SEE in black and white all of my non-scale accomplishments
e. I love to read and feel like I’ve done something also for my brain.
f. Taking my measurements is beneficial as another way to see progress.
g. I love to cook and love to find new recipes to see how they can fit into my life. A good meal means a LOT to me. To enjoy AND fit things into my health plan makes me feel really good!
h. I could make my grandmother’s day, just by writing her. That also makes my day.
i. Making the appointment is beneficial to putting the wheels in motion for the tattoo I’ve wanted for years. I’m not waiting anymore for “goal”. I’m not waiting for anything anymore.
j. It’s beneficial to my relationships with my friends that I visit them – their lives have changed and I want them to know that our friendship hasn’t changed.
3) My actionable steps are to actually DO all of these things on this list. Especially with food tracking, gym and running – I am simply going to track, there is no half-way. I have made appointments with myself to go to the gym. Hubs is running with me so I have appointments with him. On my gym days I’m packing my bag before I leave for work and eating a large salad in the train on my way home so I just GO.
When I track I will make notes for my Victory log.
I have already picked out a few recipes with Hubs. I am going to pick out a book asap. The other things I just need to do
4) I Definitely have the support of my Hubs. I hope I have support of others, but to be honest, I don’t know who else to ask…
5) I will be keeping a record here, for sure!
6) The last thing I’m going to do is give up. I have come WAY too far to do that!
What are your goals and how are you going to accomplish them?
